5 by Faith

Whoa Nelly.

2011-07-11T21:13:00.000-07:00

I'm still stuck in a somewhat reflective mood. Thinking on a year home. All the milestones and accomplishments our girl has made. The joys we've experienced of having a sweet daughter in our family. I often sit overwhelmed with astonishment, at how very brave she is. Bravely trying to right her world from being turned upside down.

I also have been weary and emotional. We moved last week. The weeks leading up to it were, as imaginable, hectic and chaotic. I went into it knowing it could undo her. Literally, you can watch this girl "undo". She just unravels before our eyes some days.

I'm still SO thankful for the opportunity to attend the Empowered to Connect Conference and hear Dr. Purvis speak. It gave me SO MUCH more understanding and compassion for her behaviors. I'm not sure anyone else would notice her "unravel", but I can see it. It makes me sad for her, because we've just been locked into a survival mode for 2 weeks. Knowing this change was HARD for her. And when it's hard for her, it's HARD FOR EVERYONE. What does it look like, you might ask? Her eyes dart furiously around. I know she's frantic, on high alert, waiting for the next thing to change, not wanting to be caught off guard. Not wanting to be left behind, or blindsided. She gets upset by one small thing, and then when we try to figure it out and ask her, "what do you want, sweet girl?" She franticly reaches for thing after thing. Grasping for anything and everything. Changing her answer 10 times. LOOKING LOST. She doesn't know what she wants...she just feels unraveled by the activity. It's hard for all of us. We WANT to meet her need, if only we could figure it out! I know we desperately need to get back to our "boot camp" mode. Lots of structure, lots of sensory activities. However, we also need the boxes out of our living space. Like I said, we KNOW we need to plow through and survive these few weeks, so we can get back to order (at least, structured chaos!).

We did finally get the AMAZING word that we are finally Giardia FREE!!! I was so happy that day, the lady on the phone probably thought I was nuts over being so happy to be parasite free. we waited a looooong time to hear those words.

We are still chasing answers for some other minor health issues, which led us to another Dr. The local hospital in Portland, Or, called OHSU has ONE Dr. with lots of experience with international kids. We finally took the plunge to take Lucy to her, hoping for some more answers or at least clues. We are not dealing with anything major, but persistent small issues. I'm feeling like I've dead ended with our regular family practice, and we just needed a fresh set of eyes with experience with kiddos from Africa. While I did not LOVE our experience there (we waited 1.5 hours past our appt time to see the Dr!!) I do feel like we got new perspective and some direction towards possible answers.

I know there are families with WAY more medical/physical/emotional issues than we do. And I feel for you. I know that I just get bogged down some days with the weight of it. Constant questions. Constant concerns about her health. Non life threatening, just constant and nagging. Knowing her life could be easier if she felt better. Juggling appts, multiple dr's, specialists...and too many questions still hanging and not enough answers. It's frusterating and overwhelming at times. Always wondering about things we'll NEVER know the answers to.

And then, following the great bog down days, I'm always recharged when I return to my source of grace. The Lord. I'm overwhelmed then, too, in a different way. The Lord extends grace to me for my shortcomings. For losing it when my strength and stamina run out. When I realize, it should never have been my strength and stamina I was relying on. I would do much better if I asked him each and every day to FILL me with gratitude and thanks for where we are. To let my list of things I'm grateful for fuel my day of things that are not so fun to deal with. To reflect on what gives me joy and fills me up. To allow the Lord to use those things to keep me focused on the task at hand. The Lord is always faithful to me, and so full of grace. He carries me through the hard days, and loves me when I fail. He loves me up and sets me back on me feet for a new day. I'm so grateful for that.

Sidenote: I am almost finished with a great book, 1,000 Gifts by Ann Voskamp. It's a "challenge to live fully where you are". I have loved the challenge to be thankful, deeply filled with gratitude, for the itty bitty gifts in my life. To allow that gratitude to fuel my perspective on life. To let JOY carry me through challenges. To find my center of gravity in grace and gratitude for those precious gifts. As a result, I've started a thankful journal. A few snippets of things I"m grateful for:

41. Long snuggles from Lucy, asking "Stay Mama" at bed time.
42. KISSES from Lulu.
43. A new home to head to.
44. 8 miles-long run.
45. a Dry 8 miles....BONUS!
46. Naps, for me :) Sunday naps are fabulous.
47. Books I love to re-read.
48. Snuggles.
49. "mama rock-ee"
50. A clean house that stuck for awhile.
51. Long lap snuggles from a reluctant child.
52. missing front teeth on an almost 7 year old.

And, to top it off, I've been BAWLING lately when I hear this song on the radio. When I'm feeling like a weakling, ready to cave, it recharges me to fight for my girl's needs. To keep putting one foot in front of the other, picking up the phone for the 10,000th call to the dr. To keep going.

I am so blessed by this life I have. I am so honored to continue to be here. To love Lucy as she bravely goes through her days, trying to find her way. I pray for strength and patience to be constant for her. I know I'm among many who are doing the same...it's humbling to be given such a gift of being a parent to such precious kids, isn't it?

Tags: I Won't Let Go (CMT Invitation Only), Rascal Flatts, Rascal Flatts Videos

Lucy Day! One Year Home

2011-05-28T21:21:00.000-07:00

I can't even believe it's been one year since we met Lucy. It feels like yesterday, but also feels like she's been with us forever, we can't imagine our life without our girl.

One year ago, I lifted a very concerned and sleepy girl from the baby seat and into my arms. Poor babe, was dead asleep and woke up to a stranger!

The year has been full of so many milestones and celebrations. And, I'm not gonna lie...lots of challenges as well. I'm going to post more about that later, but this post is about celebrating!

Lucy has gone from a tiny little bean of a girl, to a full blown toddler. She has gained 10 lbs this year and grown so tall! We are always commenting on how long her arms and legs are, and her feet are size 8!!! Seems crazy huge for a girl who's not even two! She's gone from this tiny timid girl...

To our little princess...or Puff-Uff, as she likes to call herself! She loves to wear her tiara and tutu..over her jammies, while she eats breakfast...any time, anywhere.


This girl can CLEAN UP a plate of dairy free pancakes, like nobody's b	usiness!

To celebrate our first year together...we went to our fave local Ethiopian restaurant, Enat Kitchen. Our whole family LOVED it. Every time we have Ethiopian, our whole family likes it more and more. Lucy LOVES injera. It was so so tasty. Then, we went to Yo Cream for dessert...and they even had Dairy Free sorbet for Lulu! It was a great family night together...although the boys didn't quite get why Lucy get ANOTHER day besides her birthday! It truly felt like a birthday to me...after all, it was the first day I held her in my arms, and that day with our boys was the "birth" day. You know?

The kiddos

our tasty platter

lulu and daddy

me and my girl!

Of course, being a gal who loves to give (and get) gifts, I had to give my girlie a gift. She's liking her baby dolls alot lately, and sort of pretending a bit. I thought she'd love this baby cradle. I found it at Goodwill, and rehabed it. I got my inspiration from Pottery Barn Kids, here.

Here is the PBkids version:

Lucy even has this little baby doll from my sis-in-law...her name is really Lucy, so who could resist that? And the cute thing is, the white one's name is Abby, which is my neice's name, so of course, grammy got her one too. But for $5 for the cradle at Goodwill, and $4 in paint...I saved myself about $50. I did the lettering with my Cricut cutting machine and adhesive vinyl (which I love and am completely addicted to). I loved the fun way PBK documented the birth info, but since we don't know Lucy's birth weight and such, I though I'd add her birthday in ET, and the day we met her. I love how it turned out!

We had a fun day celebrating our girl. Our journey of adoption is far from over. We continue to learn and grow toghether all the time, and God has used this precious girl to teach us how to truly depend on the Lord daily, for wisdom, for unconditional love, and patience.

jumping jack.

2011-05-16T20:31:00.000-07:00

Oh, this boy.

He has long had me a pile of mush.

One lazy day at home about a month ago, during Lucy's nap, we played in my bed.

I knew it was a moment I wanted to remember and I'm so glad I grabbed my camera. I think I had a rented lens this day, Canon 50mm 1.2L series.....sigh. I really want to own this lens!! It's like butta. I digress.

My sweet, sweet boy. He oozes personality. His Nana says he will be on TV someday. I wouldn't be surprised. He is a mama's boy through and through, and don't tell my hubby, but I like it that way :)

I love the dirty fingernails, the scrapes, bruises, and freckles...it's just Jack.
ps...this video slideshow is best viewed here small. If you try to blow it up full screen, it's grainy. I'm still trying to figure out how to best post video here!

new.

2011-04-24T21:54:00.000-07:00

Fall has always been my favorite time of year...but this year, I'm finding I'm in love with Spring! It's really fitting us right now. When you think of spring and all that it brings, NEW comes to mind. For us it's been a season of REnew, NEW beginnings, NEW habits, NEW growth.

It was a very VERY long rainy season here in the pacific northwest, and I think we may have broken some records for days in a row... I believe in March we had 30 of 31 days of "measureable" amounts of rain. Usually, Matt and I don't mind the rain at all, we like jeans and sweatshirts and hot coffee. But, this has been alot of long grey days! When it hit 55, my boys wanted to get out the slip n slide! Needless to say, seeing the cherry blossom trees beginning to bloom, tulips and daffodils finally popping up...the color has been FANTASTIC! This week one of my BFF's and I were doing our weekly run and it was DRY and SUNNY! It hit 70 yesterday! Yahoo! (however, today, the rain is back!)

Lucy's first easter basket! She loved her fancy accessories, but could care less about the cute bunny I made her!

Today is Easter. I was again reminded of new beginnings. And I have been feeling a full grateful heart all weekend at the NEW signs of growth and trust I'm seeing in Lucy. We had company all weekend, and in the midst of noise and chaos, she was a champ. She has been reaching for me, asking for me and even preferring me, even with Daddy home. (that NEVER happens).

Some Lucy related things I'm feeling so thankful for:

Almost every day this week, she's let me rock her to sleep! Previously, I'd get maybe 5 minutes and she'd be begging to get in her bed on her own.Each day I rock her, the time it takes her to relax and fall asleep has gotten shorter and shorter and I really feel like it's a shift in her. She's trusting me to soothe and comfort her. And, I dare say, she's even ENJOYING it.
She's been waking up alot during the night. Not sure what that's about...seems to be having some dreams that frighten her or something, but when I go in her room, she's reaching for me, asking me to "snugoo" (Lucy speak for snuggle). I melt every time and scoop her up.
She's giving me affection, generously. Kisses and hugs, without me having to beg and plead!
Her language continues to increase rapidly, and it seems like she tries to repeat anything you ask of her. Her words have been pretty age appropriate for many months, but we're seeing a surge of growth in this area...For MONTHS she's only done sign language for "thank you" even after loads of encouragement to use the WORDS thank you. She just would.not. do. it. All of a sudden, clear as a bell, she's saying "Thank You, Mama!" Thank You, dada!" It's music to my ears!
When we say, who do you want to rock you tonight? Mama or Dada? She's been picking me every time! This feels huge to me.

It's odd, but we are feeling like since we crossed the 9 months home mark, she actually started really showing more reservations with me. Like, she expected that I'd disappear after a few months. That is what she has known, and been able to deal with thus far. It's like, she realized I'm not leaving and she didn't really know what to do with that. She really started showing signs of not trusting me in an intimate natural way, between a mother and child. She knows I will meet her basic needs, food, diaper, bed, play. But to really trust me? To LOVE me? Not so much. After reading some of Dr. Purvis' research and attending the Empowered to Connect conference, the facts started to make sense to me. She really did NOT trust me. I could see the anxiety in her face throughout the day, as if she's on high alert, expecting things to change. Not allowing me to be emotionally close with her.

It's amazing how 2 weeks of implementing Dr. Purvis's parenting strategies for adopted children, I'm seeing lots of changes. Feeling more connected to Lucy and she to me. I am feeling so so thankful for the opportunity to attend ETC and gain some tools to help build a trusting relationship with Lucy that she and I are both finding so much joy in this week!

Here's some pics of our first Easter together! She absolutely LOVED getting all dressed up and "fancy". She kept saying, "Fanseeee, Fanseee" and cried when I took of her pretty church dress. She just wanted to stay FANSEEEE!

What a love. I'm so enjoying my girl right now, and soaking up the blessings.

Easter with the cousins, all dressed up!

My wonderful sister in law, Rachel and I (we did not coordinate on purpose!)

My Nephew, looking so sharp!

By big boy!

Sweet KiKi! She and Lucy looked so cute in matching dresses!

My little handsome man, Jack!

Hayden and I, so proud of what a great big brother he is!

My sweet girl in her "Fanseeees"

could NOT get her to sit still for me!

sweet slobbery girl. Love her to bits.

Empowered to Connect Conference- Part 2 CONNECTING with our kids.

2011-04-17T16:11:00.000-07:00

Today, I've got connection on the brain. Dr. Purvis said it over and over, and so did the Monroe's in their session, that CONNECTION is THE MOST IMPORTANT THING we can spend our time working on and giving our children. Not just existing in the same space, but being fully present for our children, meeting their needs, responding when they ask for us to meet a need.

Our adopted/fostered kids, experienced the "trauma" in their stories that they have, be it abuse or neglect, or simply the separation from their birth parents, or malnutrition, or ANYTHING really that they have experienced...it's literally changed the way they perceive their "voice" being heard. Obviously, our children have physical voices. But they have learned through life experience, that their voice may not matter to those whose ears it falls on. Maybe they cried in hunger or thirst and a parent was unable to meet that need. Maybe they cried in pain or loneliness and that cry was not responded too. Maybe, the were being hurt physically by someone they trusted. There are a million variables.

In our home, this looks like this: Lucy will shriek or scream to get our attention, (like when she's thirsty or wants a toy) when we know she knows the words for water, toy, etc. She will yell or demand attention instead of using her words. This is something I've really been working on this week (truly, it's more of a habit I need to develop, than her...I need to teach her to use her words). So, example. Lucy will shriek...I know she wants water. Putting my finger under her chin, asking gently for her to look at my eyes (which she'll do almost every time, just with my asking) and then I say, "Can you ask Mama for your water? Water please?" Then she'll usually respond with "wa-wee peeez" or "peez mama". And I say, "Oh, thank you for using your words! I'd love to give you some water!" Already in one week, I can see her learning to use her words instead of shrieking. She's learning that her words are important to me, and I respond to her need when she asks me for something.

Dr Purvis shared that over the course of a child's first 3 years, in a normal uninterrupted development situation, a child will have a need and have it met by the parent 100's of thousands of times. Isn't that amazing? But OUR children, have had that cycle interrupted. They had needs that went unmet. They learned that their needs didn't always get met when voiced. We have to get that train moving again. Teach them... using your voice= I will meet your need.

I share this, not to toot my own horn, but I've gotten lots of response from you other adoptive parents who are also feeling the need to try another tactic. Wanting to see more trust and connection with your children. I hope that sharing my learning lessons and success and failures, you can glean inspiration to keep working on connecting with your precious kiddos.

Dr. Purvis shared so many great little scenarios like this at the ETC conference, as well as in the TCU dvd series.

We feel incredibly blessed that Lucy spent time in two AMAZING orphanage/foster care centers before coming to us. Her physical needs were well attended to, and she was loved and nurtured there. However, they were still "staff". They worked in shifts...her caregiver changed at different parts of the day and she moved to different rooms or houses as she grew and developed. (I say this fully believing that our agency is top notch. I would choose Gladney over and over. Some things just can't be done differently.)

I have come to understand in the past month, (after our meltdown experience and lots of thinking back and pondering and praying) that in Lucy's perspective, ALL of the women in her life who she loved or loved her...have left her or been removed from her. When I think of that, it totally makes sense that she keeps me at a distance, protecting her little heart from being hurt again. It shatters me, that a 20 month old child, can live in understanding that mommies can't be trusted. I HATE IT. But I love her, and long for her to believe otherwise.

Dr. Purvis shares that every thing we do...every interaction with our child/children needs to be done in a way to provides a connection between us (the parent) and our child. Every moment of fun, correction, meeting of basic needs....we need to HUNT for a moment of connection. Those moments of connection are what will build trust in our child. Give them the understanding that THIS mommy or daddy is ON DUTY for good.

This is a lengthy video, but please take the time to watch it when you have a bit of time. It will give you some real understanding of how your child's mind works, and how to make changes that will help you make better connections with your child.

The Connecting Link - Dr. Karyn Purvis from Tapestry on Vimeo.

Lessons Learned from Empowered to Connect Conference- part 1

2011-04-15T08:29:00.000-07:00

Where to begin, really? My brain is still trying to wrap around all that I learned at ETC. It was SUCH AN AMAZING CONFERENCE. It was so worth the cost of a plane ticket and travel to be there. I feel like it was totally life changing for me, understanding where my girly is coming from, and how to help her face her history as a unified team. Ok, this post is long and loaded. I'm trying to process this myself, but I'm SO hoping some other parents can glean something out of my experience. It was TREMEMDOUSLY helpful.

So, I have a new understanding of how our children's (adopted or foster) brain chemistry has literally been changed, due to their "history". Even in situations when our child has been placed with us at birth, as Dr. Purvis put it, EVERY child comes with at least 9 months of history (pre-natal). It is impossible that a pregnant woman, contemplating how to handle her pregnancy (wether or not to terminate), or stressful conversations or lack of with a significant other, or contemplating keeping or giving up her child, or how she will provide for this child...or pure anger AT the child for interrupting her life....it's impossible for the stress hormones (cortisol) to NOT affect our children. And children who go through traumatic separations, or go with needs unmet during the first formative and developmental years of their life, thier sweet little brains are altered. Physically changed. Their precious little brains, shift to survivor mode. Fight, flight, or freeze. Survivor mode takes over and literally does not allow their brains to cognitively function like yours or mine (assuming ours our "normal").
(Here is a great video on Understanding our Children from Dr. Purvis speaking at Tapestry adoption ministry, where she explains some of this, much better than my attempt here!

Better Understanding Our Children - Dr. Karyn Purvis from Tapestry on Vimeo.

Some risk factors she stated were stressful or difficult pregnancy, difficult birth, Early hospitalization, abuse, neglect, trauma (such as being separated from birth parent or other). ANY or all of these risk factors can cause an imbalance of brain chemistry.

When the little brain chemistry is out of balance, they literally are stuck in survivor mode. Like, ALL the time, even when there is no reason for it (by our judgement). They live in the fear of having to take care of themselves, and they are on constant alert, looking for how they need to stay in control of situations to get their own needs met. They don't trust us as the mama or daddy to take care of their needs. Especially when our kiddos have been in situations when any of their needs have gone unmet.

Ok, sorry, there was no way to get to THIS part, without that explanation. SO...one of the tools I brought home, was to start a little relationship and trust building boot camp. I'm not quite sure how long it will last, but for now our days will look like this for the most part.

Our kids, Kids from "hard places" need some extra stimulation to some of their sensory needs. This will help kick those sweet little brains back into gear, turning down that survivor mode, and turning ON the parts of their brain that allow them to process life in a healthy, cognitive way. Dr Purvis suggested some of these activities to get things started.

1. Keep them HYDRATED. (I found this ironic, since Lucy is constantly on alert, asking where her water is. ALL DAY LONG.) Hydrate, Hydrate, Hydrate.
2. Feed them every 2 hours during the day, and a snack with protein before bed. This will help them gain confidence that there is no shortage of food and that need will be met by you. It also can be calming to our kids to have certain foods (sweeter foods, like fruit, tend to have a calming effect, tangy or sour foods can be stimulating. choose accordingly)
3. Physical activity every 2 hours. Dr. Purvis 's institute has a room they call Crash N Bump. Climbing, jumping on a trampoline, spinning on a sit n spin, climbing up a slide and jumping from the top with a buddy...all stimulate different sensory needs in the brain. These activities serve 2 purposes, One- attachment. You as the parent are fully engaged in these activities with your child. Eye contact, praising their accomplishments, working together to count, etc. This builds trust and relationship. Second-the physical activity literally helps engage parts of the brain that have not been used. This helps reorganize the brain and regulate some of those out of balance hormones and areas. This will help them be able handle the input of the world around them and allow "survivor" mode to shut down.

Dr Purvis states that when the brain re-orders, our kids language tends to have a major growth spurt, as well as we start to see the fear diminish (which can be shown in anger, anxiety, or "crazy" behavior). We want to trade our kids...take away fear and give them trust. These activities will help accomplish this by serving to that dual purpose.

I made my own version of Crash n Bump in our family room. A mini trampoline, a sit n spin, and some ride on toys to ride around the table. These particular activities are chosen to help stimulate Vestibular (inner ear) sensory needs and Proprioceptive (large muscles) Sensory needs. Here's a little video of some of our play time in our little Crash N Bump zone. We declared yesterday a jammie day, so excuse our pj's and messy hair. Towards the end, it get's a little boring the first few minutes are my most successful time with her.

I also put a little sensory table in my kitchen that we'll spend some time at during other parts of the day (things like beans and rice, water, or shaving cream). I set up a "schedule" for Lucy and Jack..mostly for my sake, to stay focused on my goals for the day. It sort of falls into a natural rythym.

I'll be honest, by 2pm, I was TIRED. It's alot of mental energy to stay totally engaged and on task. My house was a total mess, but we stuck to our goals of eating every two hours, and having physical/ sensory activity every 2 hours. It's demanding, but I think in the BIG picture, it's a short term "boot camp" with LONG term huge benefits. On a typical day, Lucy usuaally has asked me to put her to bed twice when it's not her nap time...her escape from the overwhelming parts of the day. Since Monday when I started this, she has not asked ONCE to escape. It's kind of amazing. I still see the need to continue, and will for a few more weeks at least.
Here's some snippets of our day.

Snack Time or meals every 2 hours

Hydrate, Hydrate, Hydrate!

Our daily routine (I can't get it rotated! Sorry.)

Playing in the dry rice and beans (they LOVE this! but be prepared to sweep.)

Today I switched the table to shaving cream. Went straight for the hair!Not sure I"ll do this one again soon. It ended in baths for both kiddos!

a nice shot of the herniated belly button :)

I got a new little point and shoot camera for an "anniversary" gift from my hubby. It's so handy!

Adoption from the Inside Out- Michael and Amy Monroe

2011-04-12T17:34:00.000-07:00

This past weekend, one of the breakout sessions I attended during the Empowered to Connect Conference was taught by Michael and Amy Monroe, adoptive mom and dad to 4 beautiful kiddos.

This is a link to the same teaching they shared at ETC. It's good stuff. REAL good. I encourage you to hop over and take a listen...there's even fancy slides to go with the Audio. It's probably about 45-60 minutes, I think it's downloadable. They share about what they've learned about dealing with their own histories as parents, in order to parent our children who have high needs without dragging our baggage in and loading it onto our kids. This couple had a passion and gifting for equipping adoptive parents to help their children from "hard places" heal and connect to their families.

Take a listen HERE.

Empowered to Connect Conference. AMAZING!!

2011-04-10T19:44:00.000-07:00

WHOA. I'm on a little bit of brain overload. I had the tremendous HONOR of attending the Empowered to Connect Conference in Denver this past weekend. I know some of you have read the book, The Connected Child by Dr. Karen Purvis. GREAT book. Somehow in my adoption preparation, this book got past me, and I didn't read it prior to this month. In a quick google search on the book, after our little dramatic event this past month, I stumbled up on this conference where Dr Purvis was the main speaker.

I HAVE TO SAY, THIS IS THE BEST $300 I HAVE EVER SPENT. The conference itself was only $60 for me and my mom to attend, the airfare was the rest. The book, The Connected Child in and of itself is incredibly insighful and has amazing information on how to help your child heal.

HOWEVER. If there is ANY way you can get yourself to a Empowered to Connect Conference or purchase the DVD's off the Empowered to Connect website...DO IT. It's so much MORE helpful, inspiring and motivating to hear her speak it with passion in person. My brain feels like jelly, after two full days of amazing teaching and seminars. Packed full with amazing illustrations, strategies, information and most of all HOPE for ANY child. AMAAAAAZING stuff, folks. You can by the complete set of DVD's from Dr. Purvis and TCU's team of child development experts on the website for around $250. I fully intend to buy every single one and watch them over and over. This is by FAR the most helpful information I've seen or read (and I've read ALOT) on helping your adopted or foster child. Seriously. Even if things are going smoothly, it will help you understand so very much about the way your childs brain operates, and how to help them develop healthy relationships with you and TRUST you. I honestly have thought we were sailing along pretty smoothly, and truly things HAVE gone well with Lucy. But, I learned so much, and it clear that my sweet little pumpkin still operates out of fear and not full trust. She's doing incredibly well, and attaching more all the time (as are we...it's not just up to her!)...but she still does many things out of underlying fear, because that's what her history has taught her.

PLEASE. I'm begging you. Please check out these resources! You will NOT regret it.

www.empoweredtoconnect.org
TCU educational videos

Sometimes...

2011-03-11T18:14:00.000-08:00

So, I've been totally absent from this blog. Sorry.

But, it's been a good few months. We're STILL battling Lu's Giardia, and think it has affect on some other health problems...but all in all she's INCREDIBLY good. She's running all over the house, copying everything we say, learning about 10 new words a day it seems. So funny and fun.

Today, I'm processing something in my head, and I just need to write it out. Maybe, it will be of use to someone out there, wondering about attachement/bonding.

Sometimes, we (matt and I) look at each other and say, "OH. This is attachment!". We feel like the last two months we've seen big changes in our girl, in really positive ways. For some reason I think we had it in our heads that that bonding and attachment thing would happen in the first 6 months. And then, that's what it would be...like, forever. Bonding, we felt, happened pretty quickly. She liked us. She even preferred us. While we were still in Ethiopia, she called us Mama and Dada. She made good eye contact. We felt like she got it pretty quickly, that we were the ones who would meet her needs. I don't know why we thought that it would all magically happen in 6 months. We didn't even know what was missing, exactly. But when "it" happens, we just say, "oh wow! Look at that!" Like, giving us kisses. We weren't sure if it was her personality or a trust thing, but she would NOT give us kisses, or let us kiss her. We'd say give me a kiss, she'd turn her cute little cheek and offer it for a kiss. Never the sloppy wet, open mouthed kisses we'd gotten from our boys at that age. We thought, maybe that's just HER personality. Then, all of a sudden, one day, she did. She offered those sloppy wet kisses. She's been giving them ever since. The other thing, is laughter. She's often given a little giggle and loads of courteous smiles when we do something silly or funny. But then one day...BELLY laughs started coming out and she hasn't stopped. She gives us little love pats on the arm, or plays with my hair. When she's hurt, she runs to me and wants loves. It's like in her little mind, there's this trust level we didn't quite have before, but all the time she's trusting us more, and we're learning that this bonding and attaching thing has no end date where it's "complete". It just keeps getting better. I don't know why, we just didn't expect that to be the case.

And sometimes, I feel like I just want to say out loud to her...."Will you just let me LOVE you??" The girl is busy busy busy. Go, Go, Go. Never sitting still with us, unless we're reading a book, or giving her a bottle (yes, we're still giving her 2 bottles a day, even though she's 19 months old! Hey...it's the only way we get snuggles, and we're not making any apologies for taking advantage of it.) We usually rock her for about 3.5 minutes before bed, before she asks to go night night in her bed. She LOVES her bed. She likes to give herself little time outs in her bed...I think it's her escape. Heck, I'd love it if I could hide in my bed when I want to escape the chaos too.

Yesterday, I had a mom's group function to attend. Normally she's been doing pretty well in these environments. We stayed away from ALL of these type of functions for months. Crowds can still be overwhelming, and noisy ones really do her in quickly. But, she's been doing well. Our plan was for Matt to come and pick up the kids after his dinner with friends at 7pm, and take the kids home for bed time. Lucy, however usually hits the hay at 6:30. At precisely 6:30, she was walking around the room (in a friends house). It was busy and bustling, lots of moms and music going. She turned her back to me, and when she couldn't see me, she started looking around. I could see her, and was making my way to her, when I saw she looked confused and lost. SHE PANICKED. I quickly grabbed her up in my arms, and soothed her. But, she was SO upset. Couldn't calm herself down. I called Matt to come get them early, becuase it was just too much for her. She was really REALLY upset. Matt said she cried all the way home, wouldn't take her bottle, and finally, totally exhausted fell asleep fully clothed. This morning, she was back to her chipper self, seeming to have forgotten about last nights drama. But, when I tried to get some hugs from her, or rock her before nap time, she FOUGHT me. No hugs. No kisses. Squirmy. I just wanted to say..."LET ME LOVE YOU!" It felt like I'd lost some of that hard earned trust last night. It's tough for me sometimes, because I'm totally a physical touch, hugger, affectionate, whatever you want to call it, person. I love me some hugs. My girl...NOT a hugger. My jack...he's a hugger and Lucy can't STAND all the physical love that boy has to give her. It's kind of funny, but poor Jack gets shut down A LOT by the girl.

It feels more like it's me, the mom, that she has a hard time trusting. She loves to sit on Matt's lap. I can't help but wonder if it's becuase there were very few men in her life prior to us. None that were "caregivers". But women, rotated in and out of her life, day after day. Every few months, a new one would appear and the prior would vanish. I can't help but wonder if she's testing me out, almost expecting me to leave her...waiting to see if I'm really trustworthy. Can a baby even DO that? I don't know, but I sure feel like it at times. It makes me really sad...I'm emotional about tonight. Babies just shouldn't have to wonder if the mom is going to stick around, you know? I hate that her first instinct is that I will leave her.

It feels like we make big progress, and then go backwards a few steps. I guess that's all part of this process. Continuing to show her, we are here for the long haul. Not going anywhere. Trustworthy. Loving her unconditionally. It's reminding me of how Jesus loves us. No matter how we behave, he is steady. Now matter how far we push away, he is still there, loving us just the same, asking us to let Him love us. Wanting to lavish us with his presence, even when we think we don't want it. Lord, keep filling me up, so I can keep pouring out love to this little girl.

My list.

2011-01-07T20:40:00.000-08:00

The Holidays are over, and our 2 week "vacation" from school (for Matt and Hayden) ended with a round of yucky colds for Jack, Lucy and I. It's rainy. It's dark. I'm feeling ho-hum as I recover from my yucky cold.

So, I decided, to give an update in the form of things I'm thankful for right now.

1. Lucy is finally giving us affectionate kisses. It still melts my heart every time I ask for a kiss and she grins and leans in to offer her little lips. That one took about 6 months to get to! I have tears in my eyes now as I type it. We are a kissing kind of family. We kiss our kiddos alot and tell them how much we love them, and they reciprocate. We are just affectionate. I wasn't sure if we just had a non-affectionate kid on our hands, or if we just had to wait it out. For months, we'd ask, and she'd offer her cheek or forehead. IT'S A BREAKTHROUGH, PEOPLE! She IS a kisser!!

2. She's walking! I am terrible, and I don't even have a picture of it. My flip video camera is a peice of @$@#* broken at the moment. But our girls is walking more than crawling, officially. I'm thrilled that she's walking (at 17 months) and I'm so thankful though that we had lots of non walking time with her. It helped feel like we didn't miss quite so much before she was here with us.

3. Lucy has officially been with us for 7 months!! I can't even believe it. She has now been a part of our family longer than the time she was without a family. For some reason, that is a milestone to many of us adoptive parents. I think because we LIVE in family. Our lives REVOLVE around family, and the idea of one of our own living outside of a family, just seems so wrong. It is wrong and unjust. Kids should have a family. Somehow, knowing she's been WITH one, longer than she was WITHOUT one, seems to have some impact in healing that deficit.

4. Life is just starting to finally feel like a normal family again. It's good. At our Mom's group at church on Thursday, I was able to leave her in the nursery (which was a progression that took time, but I think we're successful now more than we aren't). When I picked her up at the end, and was holding her, another mom said, "Your daughter smells delicious!"...she does, it's the hair products, I admit. But, the point is, it just flowed right out her mouth. MY DAUGHTER. It felt normal and almost made me cry. I love being known by this group of women. They know our story. They KNOW she's my DAUGHTER. Usually when we're out and about, you can tell by the looks on others faces, that they are wondering. Wondering how our family is made up....is she our daughter? Are we babysitting? Does she have a different dad? Does she have a different mom? The look of wonder is on thier faces, and some are dumb enough to ask. But, my amazing friends, KNOW. We are just the Keslers. We are a regular family to them :)

5. I love that every morning, Lucy wakes up happy. She plays and talks to herself in her bed for about 20 minutes before I come in to get her. When I come in, I say, "Good Morning, Lovey!" And she is SO excited and happy to see me. It makes my day, right then. She jumps up and scrambles to get to me. I love it.

pretty sure I've already posted this one, but I just love it. Man, that was good hair day!

I could post about the challenges we still face, but for today, I'm just enjoying the blessings of our life, trying to soak up the good. It. Is. GOOD. We are beyond blessed.

Pie of Sweetness

2010-12-27T11:05:00.000-08:00

This morning, Hayden, Lucy and I were snuggling on the couch. He was reading her favorite book to her, which is a little baby book of first words. He kept saying, "come here, sweetie" to her, in his best baby voice. Then, he turned to me, and said, "I call her Sweetie, becuase she is just a PIE of sweetness! A Sweetie Pie!"

Melt.My.Heart.

Lucy in her favorite rocking chair by the Christmas Tree.

Christmas...One year!!

2010-12-26T22:20:00.000-08:00

One year ago, we saw Lucy's sweet little face for the first time. It was amazing...the best Christmas EVER.
I'm typing from my hubby's laptop, so I don't have a pic of our sweet girl handy.

We have a long standing tradition of getting new christmas jammies at Grammy's house on Christmas Eve. Then, we wear them ALL day on Christmas day. (remember my ugly referral photos last year? Jammies, greasy hair, glasses??? Ring a bell?) This year was no different, other than cute girlie jammies for Lulu were included in our Christmas Eve loot.

Christmas Morning, Lucy and I were in her bedroom. The boys were patiently waiting in the car. Lucy, although in her sweet little sheep jammies, insisted that she put on some shoes. Her fancy black patent leather shoes. She really loves shoes. As we sat there putting on her fancy shoes and giggling together, I started to cry. One year ago, Christmas morning, I was having a hard time feeling the "Christmas Spirit". I was longing to see our daughters face. We had just finished her bedroom on Matt's Christmas Break, and we were READY. God was so good to us, and we got the call of our life that day.

This Christmas, I am overwhelmingly thankful for our sweet girl who has lit up our life. She is light and joy. We are so enjoying her. she is full of spunk, giggles and learning about 10 new words a day it seems. She's taking little steps, almost walking. She does this silly "knee walking". Where she wants to be upright, but not enough to get up on her feet. She is finally FINALLY giving us real kisses and enjoying it. For ever it seems, when we ask for a kiss, she'd offer her cheek or forehead. But finally she's offering her sweet little slobbery lips! We are loving that. She loves loves loves shoes. Today, she sat with me for 20 minutes while I cleaned her closet to make way for new Christmas clothes. She just sat there trying on shoes and saying "Mo, Mo shoooooos." (More Shoes). Sweet girl!

We saw a naturopath a week ago, who gave us some natural treatment for her continual giardia. We are thrilled to see some improvement. (this will contain poop discussion!) She's been having only one poop a day (after 3-4 per day, normally). She is no longer begging for food/water every waking moment. We're so glad to be seeing some change.

Wishing a very merry Christmas to all of you families, who we've so enjoyed sharing this wild ride of adoption with this year. It's been a journey we will never ever forget and we're so thankful for the love and support of your unique friendships. Enjoy this season with your precious kiddos, and love and squeeze them all they'll let you. God is so good and faithful to bring us to the place we CAN do that !!!

Great "love makes a family" shirts!

2010-12-20T08:45:00.000-08:00

Check out these adorable shirts! I wish I was attending this awesome adoptive mom retreat...but it's in Atlanta, AND it's sold out. But you can be a part by buying one of these great shirts! you can get one HERE.http://www.babeofmyheart.com/what-makes-a-family-t-shirts-are-in-let-the-fundraiser-begin

Thanking Jesus.

2010-12-07T13:41:00.000-08:00

I've been spending the day, celebrating my sweet 4 year old boy today (that is another post). We've been making cookies, as I cleaned up I turned on my Christmas playlist and heard this song by Third Day, called Merry Christmas. A whole bunch of emotions came flooding back to me. LAST December, this song made me weep for a whole other reason. We were anxiously waiting. Waiting for news about a baby girl in Ethiopia, who's face we'd never seen. It was all I could do to pull it together and enjoy Christmas without knowing her. Praying every minute I was awake about her and for her. As you know, Christmas Day, we got "the call" and Christmas was made perfect for us.

This year, as I heard this song, I wept for a new reason. Because we ARE NOT waiting. Because this year, this Christmas, she's here. In our arms. This year, I DO get to hug her, and love away her boo-boos, and give her bottles when she's hungry, and give her an unlimited supply of Ritz crackers. This year, I get to be her mama. Today, I'm so thankful. I'm so very very thankful to be on the same side of the world as my daughter. That this Christmas she's a part of a family, OUR family. We are so blessed to be the ones to love her. One year ago tomorrow, she entered Gladney's care, and they prepared to give us our referral.

Thank you, Thank you, Jesus. You are SO faithful. Even when we can't see the work you're doing, you're still working. You are still meeting needs. You are making a way. You are tying up loose ends. You are reconciling loss and mending hearts. Thank you, for letting us see this one come together. We are so very very blessed.

Our sweet girl, almost one year ago, 12/18/09

Milestones.

2010-12-05T15:35:00.000-08:00

I'm not even sure where to begin. Life has been feeling crazy and chaotic for us for the past 2 months. When we think we should be heading out of "crazy", something new pops up that keeps the chaos ball rolling. But, in the midst of it all, when we stop to pause, we still feel incredibly blessed.

We had a speaker at our Mom's group this week, and I would say it was one of the most life impacting messages I've heard. It was a man I've known for a long time, named Cliff. His wife, Wendee, was my first real small group leader when I was in junior high. I baby sat their kids weekly for years. Wendee, mom to 4 amazing kids and wife to Cliff, passed away last summer. She was 49. Wendee's passing alone, impacted my life greatly...she was an amazing Godly woman, wife and mother. I think often of her, how she lived and hope that I can live out my life and faith like she did. How she had her priorities in order. How she spent time with the Lord daily. How wise she was. How she said "no" to certain things, and "yes" to her family. Cliff shared about how Wendee left an amazing legacy by journaling her times with the Lord and notes to her kids. Now that she's gone from earth and from them, they have this gift. How her daily quiet times with the Lord, are still impacting their family.

Anyhow, there's so much to think about from that message that I'm still processing, but one thing is clear. I need to be more disciplined in walking with Christ. I need that to feed my soul, so I can feed the little souls in my home. And, I want to journal more to document it.

So, one way to do that is to blog. I need to someday publish the blog in a book, so I have it on paper in our home for our family to remember.

So, on to the milestones. I feel like this always ends up being about adoption/Lucy, which I have a little bit of guilt about, since I do have 2 other amazing kids...but adoption and it's ripple effect on our life feels important to document, for now :)

So, about a month ago, I took Lu to the Dr. AGAIN. When our doc came in, he said, "oh man, she's sick again?" I said, no, not again, just STILL. Not miserably sick, just always this nagging chest congestion and coughing. Sometimes it's worse and she's more "sick" and sometimes it's just in the background, but never fully cleared. I realized it's been that way since we met her in May. And the documentation we got from Gladney, showed that she'd wrestled with the same since she entered their care. So, basically, for a YEAR this sweet girl has been struggling to get a handle on breathing without congestion. So, our doc felt it was time for a referral to an asthma/allergy/immunology specialist. Around that time I decided to try cutting milk out of her diet and see what happened. It really helped clear up her congestion and for the first time she slept without coughing fits.

We visited the specialist last week and they did a bunch of skin tests for allergies, and they all came back negative. Her blood work for bloodcounts, immunology and antibodies were all perfectly normal. Which seems to leave Asthma as the only thing left on the table. We began treatment for that on Monday, but so far, I haven't really seen much improvement. She's still congested, still coughing nightly.

Our sparkley snowflake girl!

In other Lucy news, she is taking off verbally and physically. She's growing a ton, and adding new words daily to her vocabulary. She's now getting herself up to standing from the floor, without pulling up on anything, and even taking one or two steps to something to hang on to. She is sass and spunk. She always has been, but in other ways we're really seeing her blossom. She's showing us more affection. She's offering snuggles and hugs. I have felt good about our level of bonding all along, but both Matt and I have noticed in the past month, that she seems to have turned a corner. I feel like she's "attaching" more to us all the time. Like when she's unhappy, wanting me for comfort. When meeting a new person, she clings to us and smiles, but wants to stay in our arms.

We have made the move to go back to church and start leaving her in the nursery. The first several times were not good, but also good. She did not like being left. She lasted about 5 minutes the last time. Even though by normal standards, that would be not a parents ideal. We want our kids to be happy about staying in nursery. We have a backwards normal it seems...we were happy when she was sad about being left, because it meant she wanted US. That felt great! It felt like exactly what we would hope for. She's not crazy about being in a crowd of strangers...she only lasts a short time before she starts melting down. Which is okay. We had a party last night we attended and then church this morning...thankfully she was the only babe in the nursery with a lady who was SO excited to have Lucy all to herself. She was hesitant about being left (which was great), but remained happy until we came back to get her. As soon as she saw me, she was falling over herself trying to get to the door. That felt really good! She was clingy to me all morning after that. Even at nap time, when she normally just wants to be put into bed to fall asleep, she wanted me to snuggle her. She is not a real snuggler, other than when taking a bottle and sometimes a quick snuggle before bed. But today, when she was upset, she just wanted me to hold her close. I rocked her until she dozed off, tried to carefully lay her in bed, but she started crying again, grabbing on to me. So, I rocked her some more until she was soundly asleep. That NEVER happens. I soaked it up, rocking her until she was content, silently thanking God for where we are. I'm so thankful to be this precious babe's mama. Thankful for the milestones, and thankful that she's choosing us. They don't seem like big deal things to the untrained eye, but they feel like a BIG deal to us.

She's growing in height and weight, weighing in about 22lbs and a whopping 32.25 inches! She's grown SO MUCH in the past 6 months!
For the sake of documenting for ourselves, here's some words she's saying.
mama
dada
ba-ba (bottle)
bye bye
da-dey (grammy)
hada (hayden)
jaaa (jack)
ca-ckoo (cracker)
wa-wee (water)
eee (with a sign, means eat, her FAVE word)
deee (drink)
ni-ni (night night)
baby
uce (lucy)
Auntie
Abby (her cousin)
Goggy (doggy)
oof (what a dog says)
mow (kitty says)
sssss (snake says, our attempt to get her to make a quiet sound!)
She's constantly mimicking our words and adding new words daily!

I'll be back, I promise.

2010-11-08T20:04:00.001-08:00

My goal for November is to be a better blogger. Hang with me friends, I'll be back.

Family Update.

2010-10-15T22:48:00.000-07:00

So, it seems adoption is a never ending state of change :) When we think we've got it nailed, we realize, we don't.

The nutshell version, Homeschool is out. Traditional school in.

Hayden at the Apple Orchard

I thought what would be best for us this year, was to simply be together. In July, we decided to go for it, to homeschool. We were 2 months into our new adjustment with Lucy. Things were going super duper well. Matt was home full time (being a teacher, we enjoyed the luxury of a summer home this year, instead of his usual picking up a summer job). We got to know Lucy, and she got to know us.

What we didn't realize, was the impact of Daddy-o going back to work full time, and back to school himself (as a student) two nights per week would have on us. We dove into homeschool. Matt started back at work. It seemed good. THEN, Lucy began to get a little "high maintenance". Demanding my attention every moment she was awake. Shreiking and screaming at me, literally, if she didn't have it. Homeschool + shrieking baby= unproductive education. This past week, it all really caught up with me. It was already a challenge to get Hayden to want to "do school" with me. He really just didn't understand that learning sometimes takes priority over bike riding or lego building. So, when I finally could pull him in for some learning time, Lucy, would instantly start DEMANDING my attention. I'd go to change her or put her down for a nap, and I'd end up with butt cracks drawn on my garage door in sidewalk chalk. It seems this mama can't meet all the demands of homeschooling a kindergartener and preschooler, and a *needy-recently internationally adopted-turned her life upside down 14 month old.

After a melt down Tuesday and some heart to hearts with some wise folks in our life, we prayed about what we needed to do. I began to think back, when did Lucy become so needy and demanding? Why do I feel like she's changed? Oh, right. She had two full time parents for the first 3 months home. We pretty much had one parent on baby duty, and one parent on big boy duty all summer. She had constant attention of one adult. I began to realize that it's ok for me to not homeschool. That maybe being together every waking moment isn't what we need. Maybe we all need some breaks and changes of scenery. Maybe it's okay to let Lucy have high priority attention right now. She's still figuring out how to be a part of a family, even though she's done incredibly well adjusting. It's not done. And, it's ok. And, Jack, former baby of the family, just might benefit from some one on one time with mommy while Lucy naps, and Hayden is at school.

So, today, I enrolled Hayden at the neighborhood school. I met his awesome teacher. I am SO excited for him to GET to go to school, I know he's going to love the stimulation there, that I just can't give focus on right now. He starts Monday. He doesn't know it yet, but I know he's going to be thrilled.

Turns out, the best plan is to be okay with the plan changing. (You would think that I'd already learned that lesson this year, international adoption and all). To do your best to parent your kids, and when you realize it's not working, be willing to adapt. Be ok with admitting you don't have it all figured out and nailed down...heck, even that you made a bad call. I hope my kids will learn that it's okay to be wrong and mess up, as long as you are willing to try and make it right.

Lucy girl at the pumpkin patch

* Hope I'm not making my sweet girl look bad. She IS doing incredibly well. She's so smiley, loving and really blossoming in so many ways. It's just really easy to take that for granted and forget that life is still super different for her. Her little life has been majorly shaken up every few months HER WHOLE LIFE. That's traumatic--even for the sweetest of babes.

I forget sometimes, that this time of pouring our attention into her, is healing her wounds. Her need to be the focus of our attention is her way of making sure we're not going away, not leaving her behind. It's so easy to loose sight of how many scars her tiny heart has. How every day of her hollering at me, is her asking me to love away her hurts. It's so easy to just want to move on to "normal" and forget the major losses of her life. That those months of a mother naturally focusing 24-7 on her newborn baby and being totally attached...didn't exist for her? She's still trying to catch up, sweet girl.
Wow. I haven't really pondered that in a while. Still brings tears to my eyes when I do.

Lord, give me your grace. Give me patience. Give me unending amounts of unconditional love to fill up this little wounded heart. Let your love, through us, heal her scars. Let me see what you see. Let me hear those demands for what they are...
Lord, let us find the balance. Let us continue to build a safe home and confidence in all of our children. Help us find ways to nourish each of our kids hearts with the kind of love they each need. Give us wisdom to know when were screwing it up and to try something new. Thanks for blessing us with these 3 amazing little humans as our children.


Jack with his pumpkin

4 Months Home...Lucy report.

2010-10-05T23:41:00.000-07:00

I truly can't believe we've been home for 4 months already!
My favorite picture right now...

FOUR months?? I can hardly believe it's been that long, but it also feels like she's been here forever. I've become the worst adoption blogger ever this month, since school has started, basically. But, to catch you up on Lucy this month, here's a little list:

Lucy is growing like a weed! The girl is chunking up a bit, but she's really tall. She's all of a sudden feeling really heavy to me. At her one year check up she was in the 90-95th percentile for height! So, she fits in perfectly with the Kesler family and our tall tall boys and large feet :)

Lucy is really blossoming, physically, and emotionally.

She still says da-da with varying voice inflections for just about everything, but she's pretty clear at communicating what she wants. She does a few baby signs, which are super helpful, but her favorite is simply the sign for "please". Please, please, please. As in, give me that NOW. We joke she's saying "pretty pretty please" because she does it with such enthusiasm, especially when related to food.
We can't fill up this girl. She chokes/gags about 4 times per meal, becuase she inhales her food and swallows it whole. We laugh, but wonder, is this a Lucy thing, or an international adoption thing? She acts like she's never going to see food again, at every meal and snack. It's no wonder she's filling out! She's also finally willing to drink from a sippy cup and holding her own bottle (which we haven't pushed, but I'll admit, it's nice now she can occasionally do it herself-like in a long car ride).
She is becoming much more affectionate with us, which we LOVE. She's learning to give "loves" and kisses, and is offering them without us asking now. Every once in a while, she'll just lean into me with her forehead, offering up her sweet face for a kiss from Mama or Dada. It feels like a milestone. She was accepting of our affections before, but it feels like a big deal that she's now offering up affection, with it being her own idea.
This girl LOVES soft things. Soft cuddly stuffed animals, soft jammies, and of course, her favorite purple blankie. You hand her something soft, and she just grins and snuggles it up to her face with this look of pleasure...."ahhhhh, this feels sooooo goooood". It's so funny!
She isn't yet walking, but her strength is improving every day. She crawls with intensity. She is pulling up on everything and loves walking behind her little push toy or shopping cart at Grammy's house. She's even let go and tried to stand a few times on her own.
She has figured out the stairs, which I'm relieved about. She can finally turn her self around and go down backwards. It's a relief to me! We can get rid of our baby gate lockdown and not worry she's going to tumble down our 3 steps.
She is sassy. She is happy. She is giggly. Everyone we meet tells us how smiley she is. We get stopped constantly in stores or checkout with people who are taken with her charm and beauty :). She is a beautiful girl, and we are happy to admit it, after all, we had nothing to do with it!
She has a love hate relationship with her brothers. They make her laugh and cry, sometimes at the same time. Hayden adores her and is very helpful. Jack, can make her laugh so hard, but then, he'll smack her in the head. He just doesn't seem to get being gentle!
She is going to sleep on her own now, about 75% of the time. But, I still love to rock her. But now, I usually rock her for about 5-10 minutes, and then put her in bed, and she goes to sleep on her own.
She adores her Da Da. Lights up every time she sees him. Once he's home, she doesn't really want me to do anything for her. Probably because he's so smitten with her...
Grammy or "Daaaa" is a close second to DaDa. Again, she knows who will hold her endlessly, give her whatever she wants and dote on her every whim :) She's a smart little cookie!

We are loving our sweet girl!

Schoolhouse is Open for business!

2010-08-30T17:12:00.000-07:00

First Day of homeschool!

Hayden is officially a Kindergartner!

Teacher Mommy and hayden (photo by Jack, age 3)

Jack and Mommy (bedhead and all!) photo by Hayden-mommy looks kinda tired!!

School table- I love this old blue-green canning jar!

Learning new words with scrabble tiles (much cheaper than banana grams. I bought at a garage sale for 50 cents!)


Mama's book of Lesson Plans and Instruction guides (I just can't live with a plain white binder. CAN'T. It says, Learning, Laughing, Loving, Living on it.)

Hayden's binder-He is OBSESSED with riding this quad, so he loves this pic of himself!


I added little tabbed dividers for his worksheets and writing so we can keep it all in one place.

We started school today. It was overall, good. We started our day praying together and reading a Bible story, which I loved. We did some language arts, and worked on some new words. Hayden had fun making -AT words with old scrabble tiles. It was fun to see him put together the concept of changing just one letter makes a whole new word. Last summer I bought this really raggedy scrabble game for 50 cents at a garage sale, knowing I could use those tiles for something! They came in handy for this activity of spelling new words by changing out the first letter. Then he was able to read me a story about Pat, the Fat Rat :) He was quite proud, and so was I! My baby can read! We did a few other activities, math, history, science, and played at the park. Great day! We tackled school activities during Lucy's naps, which worked well for today. I think the boys will both be fresher in the mornings, but Math + snack was a good combo. They counted marshmallows while doing worksheets and were happy as can be this afternoon. They were a little tired, but that worked well for some quiet read-aloud time of me reading to them.

"I go to the sea to breathe"- Maryanne Rademacher Hershey

2010-08-28T00:11:00.000-07:00

This is a rambler, I'll just warn you. Get out now. My brain is about to spill and spew my week of painting and thinking about the Sea.

Paint. I like it. Spray, latex, acrylic, all of it. Since we've been home for the majority of the last 3 months, I've been staring at my walls, over analyzing their colors. My furniture. My picture frames...you name it, I've thought about painting it.

Our recent decision to homeschool this year, gave me the last bit of justification I ~~wanted~~ needed to go for it. I ripped up nasty stained carpet in our family room. We had discussed it, but it was one of those days where I was feeling a little stir crazy. Matt was gone for a few hours, and when he came home, the carpet and padding was rolled up in the garage. He came in and said, "Um, so we're going for it, huh?" My sweet husband. He ~~tolerates~~ loves me and my hairbrained ideas. You see, our carpet has been ugly since we moved in. Our precious children nastified the light beige carpet in about 3.2 months of living here (3 years ago). We knew there was concrete under it, which we fantasized about staining. We had fairytale dreams of lovely coffee color stained concrete...beautifully finished. Fast forward to the day I ripped up the carpet. The dudes who did the remodeling of our home (before we owned it) thought that the middle of this concrete floor would be the perfect place to spray paint the trim for the house. So, there was some lovely white stripes in the center of the floor. My hubby scraped, sanded, stripped...for HOURS. About 12 hours total. And, they were still there. As were the cracks, chips and the like from the carpet tack strips that were nailed into the floor. So, after many attempts at beautifying it (and failing) we went to Home Depot and bought a $27 gallon of concrete floor paint in chocolate brown. 2 hours later, we're calling it done. We know our little ~~hellions~~ angels aren't done thrashing our home, so for now it's much easier to clean than beige carpet and it's now our school room/dining room.

For which we needed a new bigger table. Since we have virtually no budget for new furnishings, I bought a $20 craigslist table. Which needed ...you guessed it, PAINT! And an armoire for the computer/office, to PAINT.

And now that you mention it, with the brown couches now in our "eucalyptus" colored living room, the black accent furniture doesn't really go, and it seems pretty dark in there. I should freshen that up too...white, i think. Oh, but shoot, my picture frames are all black...so those'll need a quick shot of spray paint too. Oh, and that frame sitting empty in the closet, we should really put some new art in there....blah blah blah.

My hands and feet have perma white droplets on them from all the primering and painting I did this week. Still have some loose ends to tie up, but all in the name of homeschool, I've been on a mini rampage to get our house "settled" and ready for school. My friend recently told me, "you're a project girl". Yes, yes, i am. I like quick, easy to reap the rewards of my effort. PROJECTS.

I've also been inspired recently (probably since we've been home. ALOT.) that I wanted our home to reflect us a little more. I'm ~~cheap~~ thrifty. I rarely pay full price for anything. Heck, I rarely buy anything for our home that is NEW. Craigslist and Goodwill are my two favorite places to shop (which probably reflects in my fashion or lack thereof). So, I paint. Initially, I painted most things black. Black hides alot of ugly. But, main living area was starting to feel dark. We aren't dark people. We love the outdoors, we love LOVE the beach. Now, I don't exactly want our home to scream "beach house", but I crave for our home to be a soothing and comforting place to land. I grew up vacationing at the beach, several times a year. One of the first moments in my own journey of faith was at the beach. Matt and I's first date was at the beach. We continue to go the beach often. I realized through this adoption process, when things are hard, and I feel like I can't breathe, I go to the beach. And then I can. Breathe in, Breathe out. And the world seems right again. As soon as my lungs catch my first breath of beachy salty air and the sound of the ocean hits my ears, I can feel the weight of the world lifting off me. ....all that to say, I want a little of that in my house. So...this week, I've been rearranging furniture, painting, lightening up our world. Trying to get some of that sweet sense of freshness in my living room. So, I'm thinking natural, sea like colors. The color of sea glass, sand, grass in the dunes, ocean foam, driftwood. It's like therapy for me, only a lot cheaper, because I found most of it on craigslist or goodwill :)

in all my gusto, I didn't take any before pictures, but I will post some afters. You would think being home for 3months, my house would be all neat and orderly. The reality of 3 kids, and really not a ton of routine in our life (other than nap schedules and bed times), our house been been a disaster zone. Matt going back to work and school starting was the kick in the rear I needed to get out of "adjustment" zone, and back into "structure" zone. We aren't super structured people, we are pretty easy going and laid back, but we are creatures of habit. We like our routine. I'm actually really looking forward to school starting up and getting back into somewhat of a "normal" feeling life. The HUGE downside is, Matt is back to work (which, is good, of course). But, he's been home for almost 3 months with us, every day. I love that part of him being a teacher, and this year, it was absolutely divine timing for our life. It's been so fantastic just being together for the summer. He started back to work this week, and I realized on Tuesday, something just seemed off. Then it hit me...I missed my MAN. We really hadn't been apart for MONTHS! We've never ever had that before. Usually he picks up a summer job and keeps working off an on all summer. It's been FANTASTIC. We truly love hanging out together. We LIKE each other. Heck, we LOVE each other :) I am going to miss you, honey!

OK, that turned into one really long, rambling post, without even a fun picture to break it up. Ok, I'll throw one in, it's what I'm framing on my wall. Cannon Beach, Oregon...a really cool driftwood bench that is near our favorite little coffee shop. CB is our favorite beach town. It kinda feels like home, every time we go there. I took this picture in April, when we went down to breathe when we found out we didn't get through MOWA for our court date. I felt like I was suffocating in adoption land (dramatic, I know. People have had it far worse than us). But, good ol' CB ocean air, togetherness, and some time soaking up the Lord's creation was just what we needed. Now on the other side of that, I want to remember how far the Lord has brought us. How perfect his timing is, and how joyful we are that he is in control, not us.

Day 10- Orphanage visits, heading home

2010-08-24T20:00:00.001-07:00

I forgot to journal this day...it was a blur.

We spent a bit of time in the morning visiting a few Addis orphanages. That's not something I'll soon forget. I can't post pics of the little ones at the orphanages, but this will give you the idea of what it's like.

One of things I can't stop thinking about is this baby room. Full, FULL of babies. Babies in wet diapers, babies with bottles propped up. There had to be over 35-40 babies, some two or more to a bed. Two ladies doing their darndest to keep up with diapers and bathing. I can still see the sweet, tiny little faces. Who knows how old any of them were, but I spent a while looking at this little one, trying to coax a smile that never came. She seemed sick, glossy eyed, and coughing. I don't think these precious babes ever really get held or nurtured. They are always in their cribs unless being changed or bathed (which is probably not often with only two ladies to care for them all). Matt stood for 5 minutes trying to coax a smile from a sweet little girl on the changing station, waiting her turn for a new diaper. He seriously tickled her feet for 5 minutes before he got half a smile. These sweet babes just don't know how to engage. They don't really fuss or cry, because I doesn't really do them any good.


Kebebe Tsehai infant room

I wish we could have done this visit earlier in the week, so I could have gone back for a second visit with my wits about me. The first time was honestly overwhelming. I didn't quite know how to respond to it. I was fighting back tears most of the time.

Here is a toddler room at the same place.
We also visited Kolfe Boys Home. This place felt hopeful to me...good stuff happening there. More could be done...we were amazed at the amount of Shiro and Injera it took to feed these boys lunch.

this seems a little decieving, think the size of a family size pizza, that's how big one injera is.

cafeteria at Kolfe

soccer field at Kolfe

We had lunch with a few of the families at Island Breeze, which was delish. really good food, wished we'd gone there earlier in the week. Then we headed back to the Bejoe to finish packing and say our goodbyes.

Bettie, Lucy's Gladney caregiver for the week

The Bejoe Guest House- our room was on the bottom left

Lucy's crib at the Bejoe


Our golden bed at the Bejoe (with our luggage)

We headed to the airport for our long journey home...first leg was to Dubai. We spent a few hours there trying to sleep unsuccessfully in our hotel room, and then another 16 hours to LA. Then, we layed over for a couple hours, and a two hour ride to PDX. LOOOONG ride home, but so very worth it!

yikes. Mama looks tired already, and we haven't even boarded the plane!

Us, Mark and Heidi (middle), and Travis and Lisa...waiting to board the Emirates flight to Dubai!

Previous travel posts:
Day 1-Hello From Addis!
Day 2- Gondar
I also had two jet lagged attempts at blogging Gondar, if you care to read)

Day 3- Lucy Day!
Day 4- Family Bonding Day
Day 4-Life with Lucy Melat
Day 5- Gladney Care Center Visit and Top View
Day 5-Life with Lucy part 2
Day 6-U.S. Embassy , Holy Trinity Church, & Fasika
Day 7- Birth Family Meeting
Day 8- Souvenir Shopping and Resort Dinner
Day 9- Shopping and sightseeing

Day 9- Museum, Zoo, Entoto Mountain

2010-08-24T20:00:00.000-07:00

from my journal:
Today we left Melat with a caregiver (so hard to do, but nice to get out of the walls of the guesthouse!)

Abiey and Matt

Abeiy and I at Entoto Mountain

Our driver took us all around Addis to Entoto Mountain, the Lion Zoo, and the National Museum, some classic Addis tourist stops. Entoto Mountain had a great view of the city and the fresh air alone made it worth the quick trip up there (Addis is very polluted with diesel fumes and dirty dusty air). It was only about 20 minutes from the Bejoe Guesthouse.

The National Museum is home to "Lucy" the famous human skeleton. She had nothing to do with our picking "lucy" for our girls name, but we thought it was a must see. It was neat to see some of the Ethiopian relics and historical artifacts, although we found it a bummer that it is all so poorly preserved. Lots of neat art to see, and the thrones of the Emperor/Empress and traditional clothing.

The Lion Zoo is home to Abyssinian Lions, unique to Ethiopia we were told. Our driver, Abeiy was quite proud of the zoo, and showed us around to all the animals there. It was not quite like our Oregon Zoo, but was interesting and fun to go somewhere our friend/driver wanted to show us.

Rodeo Addis :)

roadside stand

We picked up a few more souvenirs and had lunch at a spot Abeiy thought we'd like, Rodeo Addis, A Texas Style restaurant. They played american country music and we ate yummy cheeseburgers. We have yet to use our cipro, so we were feeling brave and went for the beef! Abeiy knew we like country music, and though this place would be up our alley! It was pretty awesome, and at a time when we were craving an "american" meal, it tasted pretty darn good.

Now we're relaxing, enjoying our last afternoon at the Bejoe. We also had coffee and chocolate croissants at La Parisienne. I wish I'd known about this place sooner, it was SO GOOD! the macchiatos were amazing and the croissants (with CHOCOLATE, which we've had a very hard time finding in ET) were sooooo tasty!

Day 8-Shopping, Coffee, & fancy dinner

2010-08-23T20:00:00.000-07:00

Daddy and his sweet girl

from my journal:

We spent the morning at a local church bazaar doing some souvenir shopping. It's on the last Saturday of the month, from 8am-12pm at the evangelical church. All the vendors are african non profits, benefitting various causes. It was so great to get handmade items and know our money was going to a good cause. We bought most of our souvenirs there. We got these really cool wooden salad tongs/bowls, coffee ceremony items, a few toys, and a clay nativity set.

We did a little more shopping at some souvenir shops for a few more items, like silver crosses, tshirts, other Ethiopian goodies. We also went to Tamoca again, and got some coffee beans for home as well as a few macciatos. Delish.

The three of us!


one of the suites at the resort

In the afternoon, we headed out in a van with the other families and Travis to a resort for dinner. I can't for the life of me remember the name of it (it wasn't Dreamland). It was beautiful, delicious, and so nice to relax, breathe fresh air and enjoy some good company. I would love to spend a few days there someday! It was about an hour drive out of Addis, but the van we rode in had A/C which was SO nice! It was really really nice, the food was excellent and about 450birr per couple.

Previous posts on our trip, in case you missed them!

Day 1-Hello From Addis!
Day 2- Gondar
I also had two jet lagged attempts at blogging Gondar, if you care to read)

Day 7- Birth Family Meeting

2010-08-22T20:00:00.000-07:00

From my journal:

This morning we met Melat's maternal Aunt. She seemed very very happy to see Melat, although baby girl didn't seem to remember her at all. She hadn't seen her since her relinquishment in November, 6 months ago. She traveled all the way from Sudan to meet us and say goodbye to Melat. She was returning immediately to her work in Sudan on a plantation.

Melat was very nervous to be out of my arms!

She seemed much younger than we expected. She seemed like a teenager to us, although our paperwork said otherwise. She seemed to love Melat so much. She said Melat had her mother's nose. We think she also has the family feet, because her Aunt had the same long narrow feet Melat has.

(I am editing some here, becuase there's just some of the story we feel is just to private to publish for the world to read).

We spent the remainder of the day relaxing and recovering from the morning family meeting. It was wonderful and hard. So glad we had the opportunity, but it was exhausting. So much life our little one has already been through.

We made a quick stop to the Kechene girls shop and the Gladney care center to snap a few photos of one more babe. Turns out, he was in Melat's old room, and the caregivers, in their very broken english, asked me who's mother I was. I said, "Melat" and they lit up and said, "May-lie, Oh, May-lie!" and made kissing noises, and I got the gist that they wanted me to give her their love. They obviously had loved her well, which makes my heart so full.

one of Melat's former caregivers

another one of Melat's caregivers...she was especially giving the kisses and loves to her!

Our little girl is so sweet- a little bundle of sunshine. She's so smiley and happy, we are totally enjoying getting to know her.

previous posts:

Day 1-Hello From Addis!
Day 2- Gondar
I also had two jet lagged attempts at blogging Gondar, if you care to read)

Day 3- Lucy Day!
Day 4- Family Bonding Day
Day 4-Life with Lucy Melat
Day 5- Gladney Care Center Visit and Top View
Day 5-Life with Lucy part 2
Day 6-U.S. Embassy, Holy Trinity Church, and Fasika

Day 6- U.S. Embassy, Holy Trinity Church, & Dinner at Fasika

2010-08-21T22:31:00.000-07:00

Notes from my journal (it was a full day):

We got up early to depart for the US Embassy. We arrived there at 7:30am and the place was already filling up. They started calling folks from our group just after 8am. I think we were the 2nd or 3rd family and we went upstairs about 8:30. The Embassy office reminded me of the DMV only with security check points. We went up to a window with an american agent behind the glass who asked us to raise our right hand and swear to tell the truth (like what I've seen on court tv :) A few questions and we were on our way. We were asked where Lucy was born, how she became an orphan, who relinquished her, basic stuff about her story. We were at the window 5-10 minutes. We had decided that I would be the one to answer the questions, since I practically had the paperwork memorized. I got incredibly nervous for some reason, once a the window. My hands started to sweat and shake. I kept thinking, "THIS is the final official thing! Stop shaking, or he's going to think something fishy is going on!" But, he was cool...I'm sure I wasn't the first goofy adoptive mom to stand in his window.

We left the Embassy, and went over to the Gladney Care Center for a quick follow up visit with Dr. Mikiyos. He wanted to follow up on her ear infection and diarhea (I can never spell this right!). He told us to hold the course with the meds. Lucy was NOT happy to see him. I think she's been given many many shots while there. She has scars on both upper arms that he told us were from medications and immunizations being given by shot. He said everything is administered by shot, antibiotics, immunizations, etc.


Belay's Father is in the light colored uniform next to the Emperor

inside the church, beautiful paintings and art


Belay in memorial, his father is pictured 3rd from left, middle row (can you tell?)

art depicting the massacre of the former Imperial Government officials

We had a little down time at the Bejoe before we left Lucy with a caregiver for a few hours and went to the Holy Trinity Church for a tour with Belay. It was amazing to get a tour with Belay (the director of Gladney's in country program). His father was the Commander of the Royal Palace Guard (or something important like that) for the last Ethiopian Emperor in the 1970's. In the Holy Trinity Church is where the Emperor Haile Salassie and his wife are entombed. There is loads of history, and it was interesting to hear about the Ethiopian Orthodox church. Belay told us that church services last 3 hours, and the members stand the entire time, men separated from the women (so they don't get distracted from worship and prayer). The church is filled with beautiful stained glass windows (from Belgium, I believe) and depict various biblical and Ethiopian events. Following the tour of the church, Belay took us across the road to the memorial for the 60 ex-officials of the Imperial Government who were massacred by the Derg regime in 1974 (of whom his father was included). It was very special to be given such a personal tour by Belay.

Later that night, we had a night out at Fasika with the other families who were in our travel group, as well as Belay and Travis and Joanna Norwood (Gladney in country staff). I think this night may have been one of the most fun moments of our trip. We had a traditional Ethiopian meal (which we really liked) and some St. George (local beer) and watched some traditional Ethiopian dancers. The real laughs came as we all gave our go at traditional dancing, when the pretty lady came and "invited" us to give our try at the Ethiopian shoulder shimmy dancing. It was hilarious, and fun, and I have to say, everyone was a good sport about being put on the spot. I think we all knew we'd look ridiculous, so why not!?! Except Matt. He somehow positioned himself outside our circle to "photograph the dancing" and got out of showing his skills.

Our traditional Ethiopian Meal

traditional dancers

Men with their Abyssinian Lion Mane hats, getting their dance on

This girl was BEAUTIFUL. Her hair rocked! That's me on the right, getting my shoulder groove on. It's like a game of Ethiopian Simon Says...you copy her moves.

Awesome hair lady, groovin' with Travis, girl has some neck whipping power.


Belay, such a good sport. I'm sure the Gladney staff must get sick of this meal and dancing!

Seriously, this girl was rockin' the house with her moves. So fast, hair whipping, it was awesome.

We also got a little surprise. We thought Melat's biological aunt was out of the country and we wouldn't be meeting with her. BUT tonight, Travis casually said, "you guys are on at 11 for the family meeting". Um, What?? We had thought she was in the Sudan. We are feeling a bit unprepared, but really excited to have the opportunity to meet her.

Stay tuned tomorrow for more posts! If you missed my earlier posts (like, a month ago) here's the links to them:
Day 1-Hello From Addis!
Day 2- Gondar
I also had two jet lagged attempts at blogging Gondar, if you care to read)

Finally, Ethiopia Travel Posts!

2010-08-21T18:09:00.000-07:00

Hang on to your hats, folks. They are finally coming! My hubby is out of town fishing for the weekend, and AGAIN, my kiddos are sick with some virus/ear infection. Seriously, someone in our house has been sick every single week since we brought Lucy home. As minor as drippy noses, as major as ER visits. I.AM.TIRED.OF.GERMS. So, instead of the fun day at the North Clark County Relay for Life with our friends, the Jensens, we are laying low. Again. The silver lining is, I am getting caught up on ordering some long overdue prints of our travel to ET, and getting caught up on my blogging of our trip. Sit tight...I'm also doing a little blog housekeeping, adding pages, etc. So, you'll find links to all my travel posts on the Travel page.

Sugar. Baby. Sweetie. Lovie. Bubbie. Darling...it goes on.

2010-08-13T23:50:00.000-07:00

We just can't get enough of THIS girl. I dragged her out into a nearby field this evening full of beautiful sweet pea's that I've been eyeing for 2 weeks. The evening light was golden, she was in a good mood...the boys are at Grammy's. Conditions seemed good, so we went for it!This girl turns my insides to mush. She cooperated pretty well, only ate a few strange plants, and drooled like a son of a gun. I tried everything to get her to grin for me, and in the home stretch, you know what did it? My shameful attempt at Ethiopian shimmy shoulder shakin' dancing! Totally cracked her up...at least there was no one else to see it, and she seemed to fully appreciate my effort.

Cat's out of the bag...

2010-08-11T01:13:00.000-07:00

No, I'm not pregnant, THANK THE LORD.

There is two little things I haven't told you. I have hinted at them on facebook, but haven't officially announced them to the world. Mostly, because I'm a weenie.

#1- I'm training for a half marathon. It's scary to even say that out loud. Never EVER did I think I would utter those words. Or that I would even entertain the thought, but here I am. Shortly after returning from Ethiopia with Lucy, and spending most of our days in lockdown, I realized I needed to run. I needed to burn some stress, frusteration, and honestly, some calories. It needed to be something that didn't take long. So, I started running. I have done the Couch to 5K program a couple times, but never really been ~~able to~~ wanted to push past two miles before quitting.

This time was different. I got to 1.75 miles and I wanted to know if I could go further. 35 minutes of time listening to whatever music I wanted, and 35 minutes of nobody touching me, and 35 minutes of nobody asking me to get them a snack, or anyone pooping their diaper...it was bliss. I decided to just go for 3 miles and see if I could do it. Turns out, I could.

One of my dearest friends, was talking about needing a partner for her long runs for an upcoming half training schedule. Her friend was no longer able to do it...it was crazy to even consider, but I began to wonder, could I do it? And, I wanted to find out. My husband has been so supportive, giving me my time to run and cross train. I'm loving it. I am feeling healthy and strong. I've lost a few pounds and I think a couple inches...my waist is begin to appear. So far, I've had two long runs, a 5 miler and a 6 miler. Both felt FANTASTIC! I never ever thought I could run that far, or that I would ever WANT to. But I do and I did. I can't really think about the 13.1 yet, it's too scary. But, I can think about 7. After that I'll think about 8...you get the picture. I've been kind of afraid to actually say I'm doing it, because what if I fail? What if I CAN'T do it? That would be embarrassing. But..in the words of one of my favorite Glee Soundtrack running songs.."What do you say to taking chances, what do you say to jumping off the edge?" Here I go, right off the edge. I'm going for it and hoping I can hack it. If nothing else, I'm getting some amazing quality time with one of my dearest friends every week and burning some extra calories trying.

#2 - I am going to homeschool this year. AND, I'm really excited about it. I've tossed the idea around for a while now, but there's been a million reasons why NOT to. A big one was the crazy change our family has been through these past few months with bringing Lucy home.

BUT, after being home so much these past two months, and seeing how much good it's done for my family has really inspired me to reconsider. After praying and researching, I am feeling really REALLY good about it. I think it's going to be a great fit for my kiddos this year. We have been through alot of change. Our local kindergarten is all day 5 days a week. I was feeling like Hayden would do fine with that, but Jack, however would not. I think it would be incredibly hard for Jack to have another huge change like that, and lose his best buddy all day, all week. I'm excited to able to spend intentional time with my boys, teaching them and training them in our family values and foundations of our faith. It was really hitting me hard, that if Hayden was suddenly gone from our home for 6+ hours a day, I would be losing a lot of time to influence his heart in the things that matter most to us. I am feeling called to take advantage of this time and this season of our life, in our little nest to build into my kiddos hearts. I'm super excited about it. We are not committing to a lifetime of homeschooling, but this year, it's a good fit for us. (and for the record, I don't say this with ANY judgement for families who put kids in public school, private school, whatever. I'm just saying this is what we feel God's leading us to do this year and that looks different for every family.)

So, there it is. The cat's out of the bag. No more secrets. You can keep me accountable.

Birthday Girl

2010-08-08T10:48:00.000-07:00

I can't believe Lucy Melat is ONE! In a way it felt like suddenly saying a two month old is one and throwing a party...since that's how long she's been a physical part of our family.

We had a fun day celebrating our precious girl. We started out with the traditional trip to Build-A-Bear with Grammy...she takes every grandkid on their first birthday for a new friend. Lucy picked a sweet grey kitty. Then later, we celebrated at the park with family. (Tip for new parents of Ethiopian little ones, we've found that Lucy does much better in a new environment if it's outdoors. The noise isn't so overwhelming, and generally, kids are running around playing and less is focused on Lucy. We've opted for a few new places when it's outdoors and passed on ones that are inside...although we've still hardly been anywhere with her.)

I found myself throughout the day, feeling pretty emotional (and I have tears now as I type this!). Several times I found my mind wandering back to this place, the hospital in Gondar where Lucy was born. The room where she entered the world.

I thought of her birthmother, what her first moments with little Melat in her arms would have been like. I'm sure she was pretty tiny (in comparison to my biological 8lb 11oz and 9lb 12 oz boys!), when we first saw her picture at 4 months old, she was just over 11lbs! Jack was almost that big at birth. I thought about how her birth mother would have nursed her, and had those blissful moments a mother has when the life she's carried inside her for 40 weeks, is finally tangible and in her arms. How you look in eachother's eyes, and marvel at how your sweet little one seems to know your voice, and it soothes them so much to hear you speak. *sigh*. Those are some beautiful moments that a mother cherishes in her heart all of her days.

Honestly, I didn't and don't feel sad that I missed those moments in Lucy's life, because they were not mine to have. I did feel sad that here she is, one year old, and her Ethiopian mother is not here to see the joy on her face as Lucy dug her long fingers into the frosting on her cake (although, I don't think they have frosted birthday cakes in Ethiopia, anyhow). I was thankful for the gift of Lucy's life, that only her birth mother could have given. She would not be Lucy otherwise. If I'm totally honest, I even had a few conflicting thoughts as I rocked her last night, savoring the last few minutes of our special girls first birthday. I thought, "this isn't fair! Sweet girl should have her first birthday with the one who gave her life." Those thoughts were followed by, "But, our amazing Lord, has a plan for her life. When life happened, and her birth mother could no longer be in her life, he gave her a new family." The good news is, our heavenly Father is a redeemer. He can redeem terrible situations, and turn them into blessings. We are thankful everyday, Lucy Melat is no longer an orphan, but a member of OUR family. The verse came to mind all day yesterday, "God sets the lonely in families" (Psalm 68:6). Often when we introduce Lucy to someone new, they (the new person) will say, "She is so blessed to have you." Which I instantly reply, "We are ALL blessed!" Everyday, we are blessed to have the opportunity to parent this amazing girl.

As I rocked her, I marveled at the amazing courage and resiliency our girl has. From her perspective, her life in Ethiopia was comfortable to her. We arrived, dragged her thousands of miles away to a new place, with new food, new smells, new people, new sounds. She has embraced it all with generous smiles and few tears. I am literally amazed at how well she has taken it all. Don't get me wrong, there are hard days....change is hard for all of us Keslers. But, Lucy, has been so strong. We are the 5th set of "caregivers" in her short life. Changing of the caregiver is not new to her, sadly. But, she has embraced us. She calls us MaMa and DaDa. She lights up when we walk into the room. She claps when she's been away from us for a few minutes and we come back. I dare say, she loves us (and holy moly, do we love HER!)

I struggled, just before going to Ethiopia, about changing her name from Melat, to Lucy Melat. Melat was all she had. Melie (May-lee, was how Ethiopians sweetly sung her name!) But, after a few months of knowing her, and daily seeing her resilience and courage and joy, Lucy "bringer of light" feels more and more perfect. Melat, I've since heard (since being in ET) means "wonder"...the combination feels so right. She brings so much joy and light into our home. She literally lights up, when we say "Lucy-girl!" and we often wonder at how amazing she is handling all the change.

Lucy Melat, you are an amazing girl, so strong and so sweet at the same time. You bravely enter new situations, and every day you trust your new anchor (our family)a little more, and let it sink a little deeper. Your smile melts us. Your new laughter is emerging...you've always been generous with the smiles, but true belly laughs are now surfacing more often (especially when your brothers are pretending to be quads). We cherish everyday you are here with us, and look forward to every day with you in our family!

stuff

2010-07-15T22:51:00.000-07:00

Well, I've pretty much failed at keeping up my blog! Oh well. More important things have been happening. At our one month home mark (July 2nd) we were feeling good, and even a little brave about re-entering the world. We've been nowhere, seen no one, and are actually starting to like it a little! (We are really not home bodies, usually...so this has been a challenge for us!)

(ok, these are boring details, but our life for now...sorry!)

So, there we are, feeling a little brave, ready to go to a 4th of July party in a few days, and BAM. Me and the boys are sick. (well, actually, I'd been fighting a cold for weeks, with a nagging cough) Super! First Hayden and I woke up with really sore throats. H battled a fever of 102 all day. We were supposed to attend our first outing, a family bbq with some friends from church. So, I was going to stay home with Lucy and Hayden. Matt took Jack and they went to the bbq, only 30 minutes later, were in the driveway with a feverish and sleepy Jack. The next day, Matt took Hayden in for a strep test...which is miserable for kid, and of course this day they were training a new medical assistant...so needless to say, it was a lousy experience. The strep test was negative, but we weren't convinced. The next morning I went to the Dr because I could barely swallow. I had a raging case of strep. Since both boys were sporting a fever and sore throats, we (us and the dr) were fairly certain they had it too, and we were all started on Antibiotics. Then, the boys started getting these terrible mouth sores. First Jack had blisters on his lips, then white blotches on his tongue, crying that his mouth hurt. Sweet babes, couldn't really eat it hurt so bad...I did some research, called my favorite Dr. Mom, Meredith, to see if it could be related to strep and stumbled on Hand Foot Mouth Disease (not really a disease, but a virus...why do they do that? Just to scare moms??)...they fit the symptoms to a "T". Turns out, it's highly contagious for quite some time, so we needed to basically quarantine ourselves until it cleared up. So, no 4th of July party for the Keslers! By Saturday, Matt felt sick too, but he'd been downing Emergen-C like a mad man, so it only lasted about 24 hours. We prayed little Lucy wouldn't catch anything and nagged the boys not to kiss her for days. We spent the 4th with my parents (because even "diseases" can't keep them away from the grandkids), and then came home to light our $20 worth of fireworks in the driveway. Lucy and Jack slept through it all...but Hayden had a ball with our neighbor kids. It turned out to be a relaxing day and even fun (diseases and all).
I took some pictures...Lucy couldn't stop looking at the gigantic flower on her head.
Got a few cute ones of her by herself like this:
But mostly this:
and this:

So by Tuesday, the boys and me are feeling good, but, my mom is feeling lousy...a visit to the dr, she has pneumonia! We'd all been coughing for weeks, but it hit her hard. Lucy had begun coughing at night time, but we seemed to be able to keep in under control. Wednesday, Hayden crashed his bike, landed on his chin, and landed us at the ER for the first time. about 4 hours and 2 stitches later, we were home just before midnight. Thursday Lucy was coughing like crazy when she slept, so Friday morning, we took her in to see the Dr. She was having terrible fits of coughing at night, that were freaking us out a bit. And, she came to us with a long list of "respiratory illness" so we were worried she was prone to difficulty breathing. After a very fun baby chest xray (not!)...our wonderful Dr concluded that she indeed, had Pneumonia!! Poor baby girl, really didn't enjoy the baby clamshell tube the put her in for an xray! She wailed and looked at me with these broken hearted teary eyes, as if to ask me, "I trusted you! Why are you letting them do this to me?!?" but...apparently baby wailing=a good xray, because it expands the lungs fully. So, at least there's that.

We seem to be finally on our way to health. We are pretty sure that Lucy's being exposed to a whole new world of American germs, and kindly sharing her Ethiopian foster care center germs with us. Hopefully, we've now gotten that out of the way, and can just enjoy some healthy summer for a bit! We went and played at Jamison Square in the water today, just becuase we needed to GET OUT OF OUR HOUSE. We are continuing to enjoy the little miss everyday.

Lucy has started some really precious habits...she is now crawling across the room and with her little ray-of-sunshine-smile, reaching up and saying "Da-Da!" Totally makes Matt's day and melts his heart. She really loves her fun with dada. (She prefers him for fun, me for needs most of the time).

She has also started wanting to snuggle her little face right next to mine when rocking to sleep...I'm loving that! She hardly holds still for a moment all day, except when we're rocking her. So, I'll take the snuggles then! At times, it feels frusterating that it takes her 20-30 minutes of us rocking her to fall asleep. If we try to sneek her into her bed when she's drowsy but not out, she usually will wake up and want to play....she really needs us to help her get to sleep (which is apparently healthy for an internationally adopted child, but against most child sleep experts advice) . It still comes to mind nearly every time, that no matter how many episodes of us rocking her to sleep for 20 minutes, it will not make up for the 7 months she's been without a mother and father to rock and comfort her. I get teary every time I really stop to think about THAT. So, sweet girl, can have 60-90 minutes of my day, at least for now.

The boys continue to love and grow closer with Lucy. Actually , they have loved her from the moment they layed thier dirty little paws on her, SHE, however, has not reciprocated the constant flow of love and affection! She is finally coming around to it, and becoming playful with them. I'm also learning to guide thier efforts into something helpful. Jack begged me to run inside and get my camera to take his picture with his "sissy" in the van the other day...this boy has a heart of mush...he talks mushy gushy baby talk to her all day long. His sing songy voice saying "hello beautiful girl" or "sweet shugie girl" ( I call her sugar...it's his short version)....

And Hayden happily entertained her with her favorite book, while we loaded up the car today. It was so sweet!!
Life has been a little crazy, a little bit of cabin fever, but every day is peppered with wonderful sweet moments with our kiddos (and salted with ones that make us want to gouge our eyes out). I don't know why this underlining thing happens sometimes...speaking of gouging my eyes out!! argh.

Gondar Post Re-Do Ethiopia Day 2

2010-07-03T21:08:00.000-07:00

Since none of my pics showed up, and I couldn't find my journal, I'm calling it a Re-do.

Here's a blurb from my journal:

Our flight to Gondar was one that made us laugh. We checked in at the counter in Addis, and went to the gate listed on our boarding passes. It was also the gate listed on all the monitors. When we arrived to our gate, we were the ONLY ones there. A nice Ethiopian Air employee came over and said "You go to Gondar?" He told us we were at the wrong gate. So he showed us to the right one (that was not listed anywhere!). We boarded a brand new plane, for what we thought was a direct flight to Gondar...which of course it wasn't. It stopped off somewhere along the way, a few people got off, a few people got on, and we were off to Gondar. We still arrived in just under an hour from our departure from Addis. We met a very friendly Irishman, Michael who talked our ear off all the way to Gondar.

We were greeted by Metewos, the manager of Bridge to Hope (formerly Bridge to Israel) Orphanage with a handwritten sign stating "KEFLAR", which we assumed was us (KESLER). Metewos and the driver took us to the Quara Hotel, and helped us get checked in. Our driver didn't speak much English, so Metewos asked us all the places we'd like to see/visit, and wrote them all in Amharic for the driver, so he'd know where to take us. They gave us a few hours to rest and eat lunch, and then came back to drive us to our destinations.views from our hotel room, homes of folks in Gondar (nicer ones, actually)

We really hoped to find a church that was significant in Lucy's story, that was listed in our paperwork give to us at referral time. We visited that church, but didn't find the info we were looking for. But, it was still a beautiful and historic place. It was St. Michael's Church. Ethiopians are very religious culturally, and church is a very big part of their life. This church was an Ethiopian Orthodox Church. Very very old, and had amazing hand painted artwork hidden beneath heavy drapes. We were given a personal tour for a small fee (20 birr, I think). Still on our quest for the family information, we visited another church (St George's Church) mentioned in our paperwork. Still, not what we were looking for, but another amazing and beautiful sight.
St George Church

After visiting the churches, our volunteer tour guide, a local Gondar University student "Dave", and our driver, took us to the main market or "mercato" in Gondar. It's where all the locals do thier shopping for food, livestock, clothing, get haircuts, sell anything from underwear to Injera. It was mostly closed for the day, which was Sunday and a holiday, but a few shops were open and happy to take some money from "Ferengi" (white foreigners). We even got a few "God Bless the White People!" which was odd and made us giggle. Dave seemed pretty happy to been seen with such hip americans as us (which, we are totally not!).

We bought a traditional white headcovering scarf, handmade in Gondar (we were told, not sure if we believe) for 150 birr(10 USD), which I'm pretty sure was double what we should have paid, if not more. This is the kind of headcovering most women wear to church.
We also bought a little handmade basket, made by 3 women in a tiny little shop. It's very small, and holds about a cupful of goodies. We also paid 150 birr for this, which we knew was way to much, but seeing where these women lived, we just didn't feel right talking them down. We jokingly call this the Ten Dollar Basket.

Around the mercato area is the worst of the worst housing. It was really devastating to see. Literally homes made out of plastic shopping bags, tee pee style. Sticks and plastic shopping bags, with families living inside. It smelled like human waste, and children ran around happily, barefooted, begging us to take thier photos. I doubt if they've ever seen a printed photo, but they loved to see their own faces on the back of our camera. We didn't get any photos of this area, except these 3 little beauties. It was all I could do to keep it together and not cry or think that this could have been where my daughter's family lived. Matt felt sick to his stomach, thinking the same thing.
The hardest part of the day was visiting Gondar University Hospital, where Lucy was born. We knew in advance, thanks to other traveling families gone before us, that it would be incredibly hard to see, but worth documenting our daughter's story. They were right. It was in a word, awful. There are several buildings on the hospital campus, we only visited the maternity ward. Family members were waiting outside for their wives, sisters, friends, who were inside laboring. We "Ferengi", however, we ushered right into the delivery room like royalty. It was incredibly awkward. 4 women laboring in a smelly, dirty, worn out room. One staff person, who appeared to be the "doctor". No nurses. She was caring for all the women. It felt incredibly offensive for us to be in there, and we practically refused, but they insisted we come in. Women labored on bare plastic mats on ancient looking gurneys. It was hot and humid. It was build in 1955 and has never been updated. Our guide told us that if Lucy was born at Gondar Hospital, this is the room she would have entered the world in. After about 30 seconds, we insisted we'd seen enough, and we practically bolted to the door, hoping to give these women in active painful labor, some privacy.
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From there, we went to the extreme opposite. A place of love and hope, and the highlight of our trip to Gondar. Bridge to Hope Children's Village. A loving inspiring place. Matewos and Asaye work incredibly hard to give the children who live there a family model. There are many "homes" on the compound, and each one has about 15-18 children and one "mother" who live there. The mother is responsible for the holistic development of "her children"...health, education, nutrition, spiritual growth. She is thier mother, all the time. Boys and girls live separately, but play together. Food is cooked in a separate building , but each mother retrieves the food, and brings it home to her "family" of children. This model helps the kids learn to respect her and accept her as "Mother". Metewos said that they know it is an artificial family, but they really believe the best place for children, no matter what life has given them, is in a family. The educate, love, and teach children there. They teach them to garden, life skills, and send them to school.Asaye, his daughter, and Metewos
Genet, the baby mother

It was an amazing, wonderful place. We hardly took any pictures, because we were both in tears the entire time we were there. Tears of hope, tears of relief, tears of thankfulness that there are such amazing people, loving the motherless and fatherless children of Gondar. Metewos said he IS the father to every child there, along with his own family who lives right on the compound.

Genet is the baby mother. They have only a few babies at a time, and all of them go to Gladney for placement. There was one tiny little 24 day old baby girl in Genet's care when we visited. Precious, tiny babe. Her name started with an M. They only accept children over the age of 3 to live at Bridge, and only ones who have no other person to care for them. They LOVE Gladney. They really believe that children really belong with thier own families, and do whatever they can to see children stay with thier biological families. The provide financial support to over 200 children in the community so they can stay with thier families. They don't want to see monetary needs be the reason children become orphans.

I cried like a baby there. The little boys looked at me with a "what's with the crazy white lady" look on their faces. I was so moved by the loving environment. They were so very grateful for families adopting children into "real" families. Metewos was emotional about it, very moved as he thanked us for being apart of it. He kept saying "Praise God! Praise God!". I know we'll be involved somehow with this beautiful place, but we are not quite sure how just yet. We'd love to see them get the support they need to keep doing what they are doing.

We returned to our hotel, emotionally exhausted, and physically tired, still fighting jet lag. We wandered down to the little grocery market in the hotel building, and Dave was there waiting to invite us to his family home for a coffee ceremony. We felt honored, since we knew this was a special thing for people they wish to honor. The ladies made us coffee, which was rich and very sweet. The "grandfather" of the family practically forced us to drink pints of honey wine...we did, but oh baby, it burned all the way down. We kept looking at eachother across the table, knowing we could get really sick, but also knowing they were being so generous and giving us their very best. We feel so blessed by the experience to be invited into a families home and be honored. David was very kind, not wanting us to pay him , but asked us to help him purchase a textbook for school. We couldn't find what he needed, unfortunately....hoping for a full nights sleep, so we can be rested up when we meet our daughter tomorrow!!

Ethiopia Day 5- Gladney Care Center Visit

2010-07-02T19:47:00.002-07:00

dang. just typed a long post and blogger lost it!! Here goes, round 2.

Today was our day to visit the Gladney Foster Care center. While we waited for our drivers to come, we spent time with these lovely folks and their darling boys. They were too much fun, and great Ethiopian dancers, but more to come on that tomorrow :)

The first thing I can say, is the children at Gladney are L.O.V.E.D. By all. The caregivers truly adore each baby and child. We toured around the facilities, spread over 3 homes. We didn't visit the older childrens home. We saw the ladies doing loads and loads of tiny laundry. We visited each baby room...Travis, one of the incountry staff encouraged us to pick up and love any baby we wanted to, no matter if they were sleeping or not. He said they like to stir up trouble and love on the babies as much as possible. It was SUCH an honor to meet the babies we knew would soon be going home to families, and even some who were matched with families that didn't yet have their referrals. There was an ADORABLE set of tiny twin girls, who were matched with a family, but the parents did not yet know about them...So, if you recently got twin girl referral of little twins, I have some sweet photos for you!I snapped a few others of babies I didn't know who they belonged to, so please inquire if you think your babe was there the last week of May. We were so happy to meet all the babies and toddlers. A few things I mentally noted while there:

babies go to bed on thier tummies or in a boppy type pillow on there back. (Janet, Ely was in a boppy). The beds are also lined with plush, soft blankets mostly. Lucy really likes something soft against her fact when she goes to sleep, even now.
There were prepared bottles of water in the rooms. Each room had a shelf with the babies names listed on them, each with their own row of bottles. They serve at room temp.
they hold all the babies while feeding, no bottle propping here!
the babes seem to get plenty of tummy time on the floor on a playmat with some toys.
The cribs are in little sets of 3, and there were 3-9 beds in each room, but they werent' all full in every room.
Belay knows every child by name, and there are over 100 kids in care. I was amazed by that. Genet, Belays sister and manager of Bejoe, also knew most of the kids by name.

We met Lucy's caregiver, who was ADORABLE. Lucy lit up when she saw her. She wrote Lucy the sweetest letter in English that we'll cherish forever...so special! It was obvious that she was very well loved there. Every room we went in, the caregivers squealed "Melat! Melat!" or "Melie!" We were so thankful that these loving women taught our girl how to love and be loved. SO THANKFUL. We really feel like she came to us knowing how to be bonded and so ready to be in a family. Gladney is AWESOME! We were not sure how Lucy would do that day. It's really SO confusing for the poor little ones. They are taken away from all they know, the start adjusting to you, and then BAM, they are back?? For another families take, visit here. Lucy did really well, but that night, she woke up in the middle of the night seeming really confused and upset. At the care center, they wisk the babes away for a bit to say their goodbyes and dress them in traditional Ethiopian clothing as a parting gift. When we came into the room where Lucy and her caregiver were, she started to cry and reached for me instantly. She had been so happy in her caregivers arms, but knew she belonged with us. This mama's heart was SO happy about that!
LOVE this picture, and how delighted Lucy looks!
Belay told us that the care givers love "their" kids so much, that they sometimes stretch the truth about the little ones physical development. When the babies learn new skills, like crawling or walking, they are moved into a new room with other kids with those same abilities. BUT the caregivers are so attached and want to keep "their" babies. One little toddler girl in our travel group was clearly an experienced walker, but it was news to her family. Belay said when he came into her room to say goodbye, he noticed she was walking, and her caregiver acted as if it was a miracle that she had just taken her first steps that day...so sweet! They truly LOVE these babies and children.

We closed our time there with a traditional coffee ceremony and popcorn, which was sooo delish. My coffee was interrupted by an explosive diaper from baby girl...but it was a nice time. Matt was really impressed when Travis mentioned she was crushing the coffee beans with a peice of an axle of a toyata pickup. We left the care center and went to lunch together with Travis and Joanna Norwood and our kiddos, at Top View. It was a nice, private place with yummy food. We returned to the guest house beat. It was an emotional day, but a good one.

"

Note: I left care packages I brought for other families on our bed. I was so nervous about how Lucy was going to do, I was braindead. I sent our driver back for them, and just after he left realized I left our video camera on the seat of the car! Sheesh. But, I did get the packages delivered, and some video. Lesson, put your stuff in clear sight or give them to your driver because you might be distracted :)

Ethiopia Day 4-Family bonding Day

2010-06-30T19:46:00.000-07:00

I can't believe we have been home for 4 weeks! That just seems crazy. So, now I will officially try to get my Ethiopia blogging done! I already blogged about Gondar, and our meeting Lucy Melat.

Technically this was our 4th day in Ethiopia. We didn't go anywhere at all, we just spent the day doting on Lucy and getting to know her. It was a really great day! We spent lots of time out side in the garden at the Bejoe, relaxing and getting some air. Here's some things we learned about our girl that day:

she is a happy smiley girl, she only cried when hungry or tired (both easily fixable!)
She was starting to crawl in little rough movements and bouncing on all 4's. It was amazing that our one on one attention to encourage her, and how fast her skills were improving just in 24 hours!
She could sit, but was not really solid.
She likes her head to be jammed into the corner of the crib when she sleeps.
Her favorite toy was a red rattle we brought from home that was also Hayden's favorite and Jack's!
She loves bathtime.
She can say Da-Da. It was not intentional at first, but has quickly realized it means Daddy.

We spent the day laying low, totally enjoying our girl. We ate pizza from Rico's for dinner (an easy to get to place from Bejoe with lots of choices). It was a great day.

Her tongue was ALWAYS out. We weren't sure if it was a nervous thing, or just feeling out her two new teeth.

Felt so so right having her in our arms!

Teething or Greiving? Heck if I know.

2010-06-23T15:07:00.000-07:00

Oh, sweet girl. We had a major hour long melt down at naptime yesterday. My hunch is teething, since a combo of Orajel and Tylenol seemed to quiet her down after we realized she was yanking on her gums with her two little fingers. She's done this a few times this week. Her mad drooling (for weeks, now) and the gum tugging seem to lead us to the teething conclusion.

Lucy hasn't really had any major "grieving" moments yet. There was a few short times in Ethiopia in the middle of the night, when we thought it could be confusion/grief, but they were pretty short lived. We completely realize this doesn't mean it won't happen down the road. For now, she seems quite happy to be here with us.

She is getting so so busy, which we think is a combo of development of physical skills and her growing confidence in her place in our family. Daily, she is increasing her volume and voice...she is quickly learning that when she shrieks loudly it gets our attention. She seems pretty darned pleased with herself when that happens. Again, I think she's becoming more and more "herself" in our presence...while it seems kind of new behavior to us, I think it's the real Lucy coming out as she feels secure in her place here.

Yesterday I also really tried to get her to make good eye contact with me. She has made eye contact with us all along, but for short little burst of about 3-4 seconds. Feeding is the perfect time to really work on it with her since she's laying in my arms, facing me for a good 15 minutes. So, I've been really talking to her, getting her to look me in the eye. I stroke her cheek and speak sweetly and softly to her...and the length of time she'll look me in the eye has really increased over the course of the day. Love those snuggly moments.

She seems to prefer us to anyone. Now that she's been with us for one whole month (today!) I'm feeling better about branching out a tiny bit. (She's hardly been out of the house!) I still am way protective about others holding her, my mom being about the only exception. She is always delighted to see her grammy! Even that, we keep it fairly short. While I'm so glad she's feeling comfortable, I would still like to see more of her checking in with us for "permission" by making eye contact with us. There's no doubt when someone new comes around she turns herself into me or Matt for security. She did alot more of the eye contact "permission" in the first two-three weeks, but is seeming alot more comfortable in the past week. I'm not really sure how long that is supposed to last (I'm open for input here from you more experienced adoptive moms). Really it's only with my mom that she really goes for it without checking with me or matt, which is maybe totally fine. She still will turn back to me after a few minutes and want back in my arms. My mom stayed with us for a week after we came home, and we knew after consulting with our social worker/counselor that since my mom is such a regular and close part of our life, it was ok for her to be here with us and be a part of Lucy's "inner circle" of trusted people. With others, she doesn't really want anyone else to hold her and is happy to stay in my arms or close to me. It's a little tricky because she's so mobile and busy...hard to know sometimes what is personality and what is "adoption" stuff. I think she's doing so good. So much change in her life, and she's adapted incredibly well.

Bed time is interesting, right now our routine is to rock her in her room for about 20 minutes before she dozes off. We've gotten into a pretty firm routine, we walk in her room, grab her blanket out of her crib, give her a little swaddle (which she protests, but then instantly settles down when I pick her up) and then we sit in the chair with the big soft snuggly blanket, which we tuck under her face on my chest (or Matt's). The girl LIKES her softy stuff on her face to go to sleep. We realized in ET that the beds at the care center had these really plush blankets on the mattresses, tucked in around the edges. So did the bed at the guest house. So, she is used to going to sleep against some really soft texture. As soon as we sit and get settled in the chair, her eyes get heavy and droopy, but it still takes her a bit to fall asleep. We've tried putting her in bed before she's all the way asleep, but she always gets more awake and gets herself all playful and takes forever to fall asleep, and usally gets worked up and needs us to come rock her to sleep. We've decided for now, we'll just rock her to sleep. It seems so against all the "sleep experts" advice to do so, but we are feeling fine about. I think for her, and a child in her circumstances, it's healthy that she's showing dependance on us to comfort her and help her fall asleep. We'll deal with her going to sleep on her own down the road. For now, when I rock her, I can't help but think of all the months she's fallen asleep on her own in a crib, without a mama to rock her. At first it was really frusterating that she wouldn't settle down and go to sleep. We fussed around trying to figure out what works and finally settled on just doing a very predictable routine and sticking with it, until she learned the cues that this means "TIME TO SLEEP!".

I have learned to relax, be ok with my boys watching 30 minutes of video or cartoon if that's what it takes for us to have 30 quiet minutes to get her to sleep. Those are 30 precious minutes of snuggling and talking sweetly...which 3 times a day, is an hour and a half of really sweet time with our girl. And, some days, it's really nice to have a forced 30 minutes of quiet relaxing time, in a dark, quiet room. I'm learning to find joy in the menial tasks and being home all the time, which is a challenge for this mom. The Lord is teaching me so much about just BEing. Not waiting. I have to untrain myself from waiting. It's been two years of waiting. Waiting for our homestudy to be done, paperwork to be finished, getting on the waitlist. Waiting for the time to go by on a waitlist. Waiting for court. Waiting for travel. Waiting to get home. Wait. Wait. Wait. Our nature is to be always looking foward to the next thing. For babies to be out of diapers. For kids to be in school. For the next bigger house with a better yard. For life to be easier....and those things will all likely come. But, I'm learning that the Lord is HERE. NOW.TODAY. Life isn't going to get normal like the normal we knew 2 months ago. Even though at times we really wish it could just feel normal, I know that in that normal, we were dying for our third child to be here. My normal needs to be leaning on Jesus for my strength, every day. Easy or hard. My day needs to be centered on his love and joy. The rest, we just have to let go of. Before we know it, we'll be into the next "season" of life, missing the 30 minutes of rocking my baby girl to sleep. My dependance needs to be on the Lord. Not on myself to keep it all under control. No matter what I can do...it's just NOT under my control. I am learning to just keep it cool, ask the Lord for patience and grace for the demands of my day. I'm learning that my joy comes when I stop fighting for what I want the day to be about. The things I need to accomplish (or WANT to accomplish). That my day needs to be about loving and guiding my children through their day peacefully and joyfully. I have definitely not perfected that, but every day it's getting easier to let go of my expectations and just BE. I thought I already had learned that, but I guess we're never done learning what the Lord has for us :) A friend shared this blog post with me that says it so well! (Thanks Trish!)

My List

2010-06-21T15:06:00.000-07:00

Got this from my friend Trish...she rocks.

Here's my version:
I am…. enjoying reading the Mission of Motherhood by Sally Clarkson
I think….I am done with 3 kids :)
I should….be folding laundry.
I dream…. about going to a photography workshop/mentoring session.
I want…. to be the greatest influence in my kids lives for Christ.
I know….I married the perfect man for me.
I don’t like….seeing moms smoke in a minivan full of children.
I smell….fabric softener.
I hear….my sweet girl gurgling and laundry tumbling in the dryer.
I fear….losing my role of influence in Hayden's life when he starts kindergarten.
I usually….forget what I came in here for.
I search….for my journal from Ethiopia, currently. I am scatterbrained. I lose things alot.
I miss…my friends. Adopting a baby means we are home. alot.
I always….get going on a project, and get distracted before I finish.
I regret….not going to college right after high school, and finishing.
I wonder….could homeschooling work for us?
I crave….living on some property where my kids can run around outside and explore daily.
I remember…. family vacations to the beach.
I need…. Jesus.
I forget…. that I need Jesus most of all.
I feel…. at peace. Humbled at where God has brought us.
I can….be crafty.
I can’t….do math.
I am happy…. when our family is enjoying eachothers company.
I lose…. my mind when my kids say, "mom. mom. mom. mom. mom....."
I sing….songs from Glee.
I listen…. to worship music. Matt Maher is my current fave.
I shop…. at the goodwill. alot.
I eat…. too many cookies.
I love….Twilight. Don't mock me.
I wish…. I could go on a photography equipment shopping spree.

My summer reading list:
Yes, I have already read Eclipse twice, but, I want to have it fresh in my mind when I see the movie next week! The Mission of Motherhood is so so good. Exactly what I need to be reading right now. Parenting Your Internationally Adopted Child, is so good. Very helpful. The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner: An Eclipse Novella was a great quick read. Loved it!

Day 3- Lucy Day!

2010-06-19T16:27:00.000-07:00

We headed to the airport in Gondar to catch our flight to Addis at 9am, supposedly an hour before our flight. The funny thing was, there was no one there to check us in. So, we waited. We had expected that our flight could be delayed. Our flight was supposed to take off at 10am. About 10:30, an Ethiopian guy made his way to the desk. We got in line, and observed him hand writing tags for checked luggage. We chuckled to ourselves and say, "hey! it's Gondar! Of course they are handwriting the luggage tags!" Then we got to the front of the line...he said "no body contact you??" Apparently, the 10 am flight was cancelled and they had wanted us to arrive at 8am, which we would have been very happy to do since we wanted to get to Addis and back to our guest house before Travis brought our girl. BUT...of course, no one had contacted us. So...we sat there and waited for our flight that would depart "about" 12:30. And since every single clock (no lie) in the Gondar airport looks like this, it makes perfect sense.

I love that disclaimer....basically, when the plane gets here, you'll leave. So, he handed us our boarding passes, that looked like this: a blank peice of paper. We just smiled...and waited for the sound of a landing plane, and then we headed for the line. Go with the flow is the key to Gondar :)
We arrived in Addis (it's a short 1 hour flight) and met our driver. He took us straight to the Bjoe, where we got the word that Travis was about 10 minutes away with the babies! I instantly started to shake. I was SO nervous and excited. Travis pulled in, and told us that Melat (Lucy) was sleeping, and he'd bring up Travis and Lisa's baby first since she was awake. Then, he went back and got the carseat with our sweet little sleeping princess.
Apparently, she was not a big fan of the carseat/car, she had cried herself to sleep. Travis told me to go ahead and take her out. I knew that it was a recipe for disaster, her waking up to a stranger taking her out, but it was what it was. So, I went for it. As soon as I first touched her, my shaking stopped, and my nervousness disappeared. She was so warm and soft...and I picked her up and held her close. She was not at all sure what to think, but she was very cautious. She clung to me and was afraid at the same time (if you can't tell by the wrinkled brow). I held her and kissed her and smelled her for a minute. Then I handed her to Matt, and she FREAKED out.
That set her off and she cried for about a half hour, until she fell into a trauma induced looooong nap.
We were afraid that she'd wake up terrified, but eventually she woke up, and was all smiles and coos. Like we were exactly what she'd planned to wake up to. We fed her, and gave her a bath and she was ready for bed again. She slept well, waking up just once. A bottle soothed her quickly and she went right back to sleep. Sweet sweet girl, and we felt right at home with her right away. It was a great first day together! (she happened to be wearing a shirt that we sent her, but paired with some pants that looked like they'd fit a newborn in length! But...she is really little around, so the pants we sent would probably fall right off that cute little hiney) So, there it is. Day 1 with Lucy.

Blessings

2010-06-18T00:12:00.000-07:00

Today Lucy and I got to go to a fun playdate. These are some of the fantastic women I've met along the adoption journey through blogging. Most are local (except two who were visiting)...but most are local gals who have been an encouragement and inspiration to me along the way. It was SO fun to see all the beautiful blessings in the their mama's arms today.

I'm sure I was breaking all the rules by taking her "out" in a crowd today, but I couldn't resist THIS crowd. So fun to see all of you ladies today!

Everyone is asking how we are adjusting. I'm not gonna lie...it's wonderful and hard. We are so thrilled to have her HERE with us. It feels so right. BUT...the big BUT, is that three kids is just hard. The boys love her to bits...and it makes her and us a little crazy at times. Hayden melts down when she has to go down for a nap because, and I quote (in a screaming melting down voice), "I just love her SO SO MUCH. I just want to PLAY with her ALL. THE. TIME!" Pretty sure they think she's a new fantastic toy. We've got a lot of baby talk happening around here, and most of it's not coming from the baby. Emotions are high right now in all of us. We are sleeping really really well, and that makes everything seem more manageable. Lucy girl is napping about 4-5 hours a day average and sleeping about 12 hours a night. So, even if she's a pill the rest of the day, we can't complain! She is a happy smiley girl the majority of the time, even though she's teething like a madwoman and drooling like it's going out of style. Our neice Abby says "Auntie, Woocy is drippin". Our worst moments seem to be getting everyone to bed...all of us are just a mess by that point of the day. Energy is low for mom and day, and emotions are boiling over for all of us. But...the sweetest snuggles happen while tucking all the little nuggets into bed, and that never gets old. Lucy is a busy busy bee...she is crawling like crazy, pulling up on everything, including tackling our stairs (thankfully a short set of 3 steps). I'm pretty sure she'll be walking by her birthday. She is eating us out of house and home...powering down three "meals" a day along with 4 bottles a day. The girl likes to eat, which you would not know by looking at her skinny tall self. Well, a babe is calling....that's it for tonight!

gondar part 2

2010-06-17T23:56:00.001-07:00

We had a volunteer tour guide for the day, "Dave" was his name. He made sure we got every where we needed to go. (that's him in the photo with me below)...He was a young Gonder University Student studying to be a tourism guide :) He wanted to practice on us. He took us to the local Mercato (market) which was mostly closed, but we still go to see a few things, and a I bought a traditional head covering scarf. We also bought a $10 mini basket, which now seems ridiculous that we payed that much for a tiny handmade basket. But...oh well. Rookie mistake!

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we loved the spices at the Mercato!

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Me and Dave

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baby goat

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little beauties who live in the shantys near the mercato

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matt buying our ten dollar basket!

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gondar part 1

2010-06-16T21:35:00.000-07:00

How about in Gondar. Oh wait, back up. We thought it was really funny that when we had time to kill in Addis on our first day, we asked our driver to show us around the town, and he took us to the Sheraton. Ethiopians are quite proud of the sheraton...we just thought it was kind of funny to go straight to such an american place.

THEN, the next day, we went to Gonder. It was...hard. beautiful. Something I'll never forget. I can't locate my journal from our trip (UGH. REALLY want to find that!) so for now, pics will have to do. Many of these first ones are the view from our hotel, The Quara. It was "the nicest hotel in town" told to us by locals. It was relatively new, i think, and it cost us about $29 for the night we were there.

We spent the day visiting some places that were mentioned to us in Lucy's referral paperwork. We knew that she was born at the Gondar University Hospital. It was...honestly, horrible. I'm so glad we went to see it, but it broke my heart to picture Lucy's birthmother laboring there. It was built in 1955 and has never been updated. We really just wanted to see the outside and expected to find a waiting room or something inside. Not so...family (sisters and husbands, etc) waited outside the building, and the laboring women were all in one "room" laboring on these old beat up gurneys. There appeared to be one staff woman (possibly a Dr?) in the room, with 4 women in active labor. We really didn't even want to see that, but they insisted on showing us right into the birth room! It was incredibly awkward, and these poor women looked at us like "who are the crazy white people??" We were to stunned to take any photos inside, and it felt incredibly disrespectul and intrusive to do so.

Highlight

2010-06-06T17:05:00.000-07:00

I am still digesting all that was Ethiopia. I CAN tell you that THIS
was one of the highlights of the trip for me...meeting and hugging
wonderful Heidi in person, and her two BEAUTIFUL boys. Miss you,
friends! Eryn

Home.

2010-06-03T05:26:00.000-07:00

(thank you to Lindsay Christ for the fab photos of our arrival home!)
Wow. What a stinking long trip home! Addis to Dubai=4 hours. Slept for 3 hours, departed Dubai at 8:30am. Dubai to LAX=16 hours (UGH-longest 16 hours of my life!). Hung out for a few hours in LAX. We were flying standby to portland and expected to wait til late at night to catch a flight, but we miraculously made it onto an oversold flight with about 6 standby passengers listed ahead of us! Only God!! LAX to Portland=2 hours. Arrived home to a happy crowd of loved ones cheering and hugging us! It was amazing. God is so good.

And now, we're trying to settle in, and since I can't sleep (up since 3:15--what is it about 3am that is the magic wake up time when you're jet lagged???) and since I'm still processing Ethiopia, I will give some of you future traveling families a few suggestions.

It was recommended to me to take 2 pepto caplets before each meal, and at least one bottle of Coke a day to avoid gettting sick. We did this religiously and we made it all week without touching our Cipro or getting sick. Seemed to work like a charm! We also avoided meat on most occasions, unless we felt really good about where we were eating. And...if we didn't feel great about where we were eating but had to eat something to not offend, we took an extra dose of pepto after the meal also. Seemed to work great...however, this much pepto will turn your poop black. Just sayin'! It was worth it.

Another family mentioned that they took some of those Tuna Salad lunch kits, and I thought it was a good idea. I took 4 packs (2 cans of tuna/crackers each pack) and I wish I'd taken double that! It came with a little personal size can of tuna, crackers, and a light mayo and relish back and a little plastic tub to mix it in. Tuna is not my go-to food at home, but it tasted heavenly to us in Ethiopia. We also took some Trader Joe's Easy Mac and it also tasted really good to us! We stayed at BJoe Guest House, which was fantastic. They provided a tasty breakfast every day, which was our favorite meal of the day. We bought bottled water from the BJoe by the 6 pack for about $5 each. We went through one about every day and a half. We used them for drinking and baby bottles. (they are liter bottles). You can buy them at the supermarket nearby for about $3 a 6 pack, but it was easier to get a BJoe. We also bought some dry pasta mixes at the store (Knorr brand) but later realized that you needed milk to make it. We wished we'd brought some powdered milk from home because we just didn't really feel comfortable with our options there.We also wished we'd brought some chocolate from home. We really craved it while there, but every kind we tried was kind of strange. Lisa saved the day at the end of the week and shared some of her stash with us!

There are lots of restaurants close by on Bole Road, but honestly, we just didn't really dig the food there. There is lots of italian food, pasta, pizza, lasagna available, but you get tired of those quickly. there is also burgers and fries pretty available, but we were avoiding meat most of the time. A few of our fave restaurants were Rico's (VERY close to BJoe with really great soups and bread), a place called Pizzeria had good pizzas. Island Breeze was a place we ate at on our last day, and it was SO good! I think my favorite meal while we were there. It is sort of hawaiian ish. I had a great chicken burger that was soooo good. We also ate at a very american place that our driver took us to, called Rodeo Addis. It felt like we time warped to Texas! Good cheeseburgers and it felt very safe and "american". Also close to BJoe on Bole Rd. La Pariesienne had THE BEST macchiatos and chocolate croissants. BEST. I am wishing for a nice Ethiopian macchiato right now.....mmm. Also very close to BJoe. Tamoca was another great coffee shop, but kind of far away from the guest house. We bought all of our beans to bring home from there.

There was a great church bazaar on the weekend we were there (last weekend of the month) where we did almost all of our souvenir shopping. Tons of great handmade Ethiopian goods made by local NGO's. Great causes and great items! If you ask your drive about the Evangelical Church Bazaar, they will likely know what you're talking about.

Did I mention bring some tuna salad kits? Oh, I did. Well, it's worth mentioning again. Bring them.

It was muggy and pretty hot in Addis. I wished everyday I'd brought more lightweight cotton tops. Knits just felt clingy and hot.

There was a hairdryer in the room at BJoe, so that was nice.

I got eaten alive by mosquitos in Addis (thank goodness there isn't malaria there!) One of the drivers said, "oh yah, it's mosquito season here". I wished I would've brought insect repellant. I have a weird reaction to mosquitos though, the bites get HUGE on me and very itchy. So...30+bites later, I really wished for repellant in the evening/bed time.

We stayed in a downstairs room at BJoe, which I think was a little cooler than upstairs, but it felt pretty dark. We were in our room quite a bit, and it started to feel like a cave after awhile. After getting so many mosquito bites, I wished we'd brought a little fan for night time when we kept our windows closed to keep us cool and the air moving around a bit. It was stuffy with the windows closed, but it was the only way to keep the mosquitos out.

That's all I can think of for now. BJoe's is about 5 minutes from the Airport right off Bole Rd. It was very conveniently located to most food places and sightseeing. The Gladney care center was about 30-40 minutes away depending on traffic. You only have one scheduled visit there, so I wouldn't necessarily pick somewhere to stay based on being close to Gladney.

:) It was an amazing and hard week. I will write more about that later...

Re: Life with Lucy Melat

2010-05-26T06:11:00.000-07:00

We are doing so great. We had a very low key day yesterday, just hanging around the guesthouse. We are loving every minute with our girl. She seems to be attaching well to us both...Matt is enjoying her saying Da-Da, and she enjoys fun time with him, when she wants to be comforted, she seems to prefer mama, which I, of course, LOVE. She is such a happy smiley girl, we are eating it up. She is just a little ray of sunshine!

This morning we visited the Gladney Care Center. What an amazing place! The babies are so incredibly loved...moms and dads who are waiting, OH MY. Your babes are precious!! We so enjoyed loving on them. We totally spaced it and left the care packages at our guest house...but don't worry, our driver kindly went back to get them. I delivered them to your sweet sweet babies. Prepare your hearts to be totally melted, those babies are just amazing.

We were kind of nervous about how hard the day would be for miss Lucy Melat. I mean, really, how confusing! For months she's with these women, then she's delivered to us, we have some wonderful days together, and then we take her back?What in the world must she be thinking? She was very happy to see her caregiver, but kept turning back to look for us. I assured her that we would not leave with out her. She grinned and reached for me, and I kissed her and patted her hands and she seemed ok. Her caregiver was so so sweet and obviously loved her so much. She wrote her a really precious letter telling her how much she loved her and how they would see each other again when they meet God. Really, how sweet! She loved her so much. She kept for awhile, and then brought her back,and she was so happy to see us. She immediately reached for me and melted into me. I was so releived and felt like she is getting it, we are her mommy and daddy. She snuggled down and sort of was skittish the rest of the day, like she thought we might leave without her. It was great to hang out with the Gladney staff we've heard so much about. They are really incredible people, who are working hard for all of us and our kiddos. Amazing people!

We had lunch at Top View, which felt like a place we could eat whatever we wanted without worrying. It was a very nice place, felt very "western" and like something we were used to . And...incredible view of Addis. We took the little Miss back the care center to visit the Gladney Dr. Poor girly has a case of diahreah (i never know how to spell that!). She's on some medication, and he wanted us to check in today. She is happy as can be, but every time she eats, seriously like clockwork, a little explosion follows. We haven't had any blowouts yet, thank goodness! She is doing great though. As we drove home today, I was emotional. I felt like today, she chose us. We have wanted her for so long, but today, she WANTED US. It was wonderful. It feels so right. I can't really describe it. We knew we already loved her, but didn't know her. But, she feels easy to know, and already we've learned so much about her. It feels just perfect. She is busy but so happy. She is trying her best to crawl around, which really feels like is new since we got here. I think she's been on the verge for a few weeks, but she's gotten alot more confident in the two days we've been together. It's so amazing what the undivided attention of a mom and dad does for a little one. We so take it for granted.

Today did remind us though, (and even around those here at the guest house) how important it will be for us to lay low for awhile. It's as if every new face makes her wonder "are you going to give me to them?" She has changed hands so many times in her little life, and I think it's a genuine feeling she's having. She wants us. She's comfortable with us, and she fears that she won't stay with us. It's horrible to watch your child wonder that. But, it's an honor to reassure her, we're not going anywhere with out her. We are here to stay. She is ours and we are hers. I can honestly say that we love her everybit as if I gave birth to her myself. (I hope that doesn't sound weird to say...I genuinely hoped and prayed it would be that way, but honestly, I wondered if it would be the same). We are completely in love with our daughter and can't imagine life without her already!

Life with Lucy Melat

2010-05-25T01:20:00.001-07:00

Life with Lucy Melat is so right. That's the best way I can describe it, it just feels RIGHT. Like it's always been.

We arrived from Gondar late (which as we have learned, is the Ethiopian norm). Apparently our flight from Gondar to Addis was rescheduled, and when we arrived to the airport in Gondar, they asked if we had been contacted, because that flight was rescheduled. They wanted us to come at 8am instead. So, for 3.5 hours, we waited in Gondar for the next flight. We made it back to the Bejoe about 20 minutes before Travis arrived with the babies. I was nervous/excited/anxious. My hands were shaking…then we heard the horn as we waited in the yard. The gate opened, and Travis pulled in. Melat was asleep, and Travis carried her up in the carseat and told me to go ahead and take her out. She'd cried herself to sleep on the way over, but had already had her nap.

I took her out, and she seemed overwhelmed, but my nervousness disappeared the minute she was in my arms. She started to cry a little, but Genet, the lovely gal who runs Bejoe, spoke some Amharic words that calmed her down. She snuggled into me, but was still very wary of us. I handed her to Matt and she freaked out. We could see on her face that she was thinking, "I don't think so, Big White Guy!" I took her back, and she snuggled into my shoulder and continued to fuss off and on, and 30 minutes later she fell asleep. We think she was in a stress induced coma/nap (said jokingly, but kinda true!) She woke up two hours later all smiles, and it's been great ever since. She is more beautiful that we could have imagined. She is now pretty fond of Matt, and she even says Da-Da. It was a fluke at first, but we caught it right away, and kind of made a big deal about it. Now she says Da-Da and then looks right a Matt for a reaction. It's just perfect. She is pretty snuggly with me and touches my face a lot. She is making great eye contact with us both, which is so sweet, and a credit to the sweet caregivers at Gladney. She sleeps fantastic, has two little bity teeth coming in. She sucks her two fingers when she's going to sleep. She is just amazing!

Gondar was intense. So much to say, but I'm still processing so much I can't even begin to think what to write about it.

Pictures take forever to upload...I'm sorry, but I can't seem to get them to go! I will keep trying! Eryn

Day 1- Hello from Addis!

2010-05-22T10:00:00.001-07:00

We made it to Ethiopia! Addis is reminding us alot of our trip to Nepal and Kathmandu...lots of people, lots of crazy traffic, but seems more modern that Kathmandu. Our driver,Abiey is terrific (pronounced Abby) (Gayla, he was so excited about your package!!)...he has helped us get everything we need. Our first Ethiopian meal was pizza and then we had some yummy carribean style bbq for dinner (we decided to brave it and go for meat!). So far so good. We are really tired, and will be heading to bed soon. We are leaving the guest house at 5am for our flight to Gondar. I am excited and trying to prepare my heart for seeing Melat's hometown and all that is there. I've heard the hospital is pretty hard to see, but I still want to see it. WE want to capture as many peices of her life story as we can. I am trying to prepare for what could be an emotional day. I got all teary just hitting the ground in Ethiopia...I think the flood gates have cracked open. It's hard to believe we are finally HERE. The people are so beautiful and friendly. We are trying to take it all in.

Dubai was something else. HOT. It was about 100 late into the night, and still hot at 6am! The airport is very....shiny. Shiny floors, walls ceilings. There are huge sparkly pillars everywhere, i joked that I think it might be made of diamonds. Seriously, the clocks on the walls are Rolex. Cell phones for sale were gold. ACTUAL GOLD. Crazy. But, we had great coffee there this morning, and it was cushy place to land for a few hours of sleep (the hotel, not the airport). Emirates is FANTASTIC. We really liked flying that airline. They are very friendly, great "entertainment" features, the long 15 hour flight actually went by pretty quickly. A few movies, a few naps, and we were in Dubai. I would recommend them.

Only two more days we have our hands on our sweet girl! It was surreal to be standing in Ethiopia, talking with Travis about plans for him to bring her to us. Can't wait!!

Leaving on a Jet Plane....

2010-05-19T08:09:00.000-07:00

I can't believe the day has finally come! We are sitting here at the airport right now. Some friends of my mom's graciously donated guest passes to us to fly on Alaska for our domestic legs of the journey. It's looking good for us to get on the flight we wanted, we're the only standby passengers listed, and there's supposedly 9 open seats.

I had planned to take creative pictures of our luggage, us with our boys at the airport...but my brains turned to mush about 2pm yesterday, and I spaced it. Today we will arrive in Ontario,CA, spend some time with my sweet Uncle Bob and family and stay the night at his place. Then hopefully tomorrow, we'll get to take Matt's grandma, Nano, out to breakfast in Santa Monica, before heading to LAX. We are flying on Emirates for those of you adoptive fams who are wondering. We've heard great things, and for us on the West coast, it was our least expensive option (especially since we had use of guest passes to get to LA). We'll fly thursday from LA to Dubai, spend a night in Dubai, and then off to Addis Ababa, Ethiopia on Saturday morning. (That sounds weird, I know....we lose several hours and a night flying to Dubai). We'll arrive in Dubai on Friday night).

We'll spend one night in Addis, then we fly to Gondar (Where Lucy was born and spent the first 3 months of her life) on Sunday morning. We'll spend a day seeing the hospital she was born at, the orphanage where she spent a few weeks, and some cultural sights and spend the night and return to Addis to meet our beautiful girl on Monday morning.

Love to you all, thanks for your sweet comments, voicemails, and emails over the past few days. We are feeling the love (and sorry if we didn't get back to you!) and prayers. We know that we would not be here without all of you, and the Lord using you in our lives and Lucy's. Much love to you all! I will try to update from Ethiopia!

Family Update...if you love us--please read :)

2010-05-16T22:35:00.001-07:00

Dear Family & Friends--this is long, but we so appreciate you reading about where we're at.

After almost two years of waiting, we are finally on our way to bring Lucy Melat home! We begin our journey to meet Lucy on May 19th. We know that each of you receiving this letter has, in some way, supported, loved and prayed for us. Because we know your love for Lucy and our family, we want to share with you some information that we hope will best equip everyone around hwe to assist us in laying the strongest and healthiest foundation - emotionally, physically and spiritually.

In many ways, Lucy will be like the boys who entered our family through birth; we will parent like other families as we bring all of our children up in the love of the Lord and family. But, there will be a few differences in the beginning. For many months now, we have been learning about bonding and attachment in children, especially those coming home through adoption from an international orphanage/ foster care setting.

While there is a lot we have yet to learn, we are confident of this: God's design is perfect! His plan for parents and children is a beautiful and meaningful picture of His love for us. Attachment between a parent and child occurs over time when a baby has a physical or emotional need and communicates that need. The primary caretaker (usually mommy) meets the need and soothes the child. This repeats between a parent and child over and over to create trust within the child for that parent; the baby is hungry, cries in distress, mom nurses & calms the baby - which teaches her that this person is safe and can be trusted. By God's very design, an emotional foundation is laid in the tiniest of babies, which will affect their learning, conscience, growth and future relationships. The security provided by parents will, ultimately, give children a trust for and empathy towards others.

Children who come home through international adoption have experienced interruptions in this typical attachment process. The loss of a biological mother at an early age can be a major trauma on their little hearts. The good news is that we can now, as Lucy's parents and forever family, rebuild attachment and help her heal from these emotional wounds. When Lucy comes home, she will be overwhelmed. Everything around her will be new and she will need to learn not just about her new environment, but also about love and family. She has not experienced God's design for a family in an orphanage/foster care center setting. The best way for us to form a parent/child bond is to be the ones to hold, snuggle, instruct, soothe, feed and change her. As this pattern repeats between us, she will be able to learn that Matt and I as her parents are safe to trust and to love deeply. We are, essentially, recreating the newborn/parent connection. Once Lucy starts to establish this important bond, she will then be able to branch out to other, healthy relationships.

Lucy will have, what may seem like, a lot of structure, boundaries and close proximity to us. Please know that these decisions are prayerfully and thoughtfully made choices based on loads of reading, research, prayer, and instruction from trusted adoption mentors. We will be doing what we believe is best to help her heal from those interruptions in attachment as effectively as possible. Why are we telling you all of this? Because you will actually play an awesome and vital role in helping our Lucy settle in, heal, and lay a foundation for the future. There are a few areas in which you can help us:

The first is to set physical boundaries. It will help us immensely if adults limit what is typically considered normal, physical contact with Lucy. This will (for a while) include things like holding, excessive hugging and kissing. Children from orphanage settings are prone to attach too easily to anyone and everyone - which can slow down the development of important, primary relationship with parents. Waving, blowing kisses or high fives are perfectly appropriate and welcomed! Lucy should know that the people with whom he interacts are our trusted friends.

Another area is redirecting Lucy's desire to have her physical and emotional needs met by anyone (including strangers) to having us meet them. Orphans often have so many caretakers that they, as a survival mechanism, become overly charming toward all adults. A child struggling to learn to attach may exhibit indiscriminate affection with people outside of their family unit. It may appear harmless and as if they are "very friendly" but this actually could be dangerous for Lucy. This is a tough one to share, because it was so different when Hayden and Jack were born, as well as when many of your kiddos were born, and we shared in the joy of that with you! Please understand that we want nothing more than to have Lucy be hugged, cuddled and cherished by ALL of you (we are sure she’ll be irresistible and huggable). But until she has a firm understanding of family and primary attachments, we would be so grateful if you direct her to us if you see that she is seeking out food, affection or comfort.

We are incredibly blessed to have so many loved ones around us. We couldn't ask for a better extended family & circle of friends for our sweet girl. Thank you so much for your love and support during our long journey to Lucy.

We think we’ll be arriving in Portland in the late evening on June 1st. (We are flying standby from LA, so we’re not exactly sure). We would love to see friendly faces at the airport when we arrive home. My mom will be updating my facebook and sending an email when we confirm that we got on a flight. I will most likely be carrying Lucy in a carrier and we won’t be passing her around. We are so excited for Hayden and Jack to finally meet their sister for the first time!

We will be limiting our visitors and outings for the first few weeks/months at home so Lucy can adjust and attach to us first, and then we’ll be introducing her to our many loving friends who are dying to greet her! If you have any questions please feel free to ask at any time.

We plan to update our blog occasionally as we have internet access during our trip. If you want to follow us, visit www.5byfaith.blogspot.com

Much love to you all…Matt and Eryn Kesler

Bags are packed...

2010-05-16T21:53:00.000-07:00

It's hard to believe on Wednesday, we're heading to the airport!

Our bags are packed, the baby seat is in the car, we are ready to go...

After so many months, it's finally really real. REALLY real. I'm a mix of emotions right now, excited, nervous to leave my boys for 2 weeks (although I know they'll be so happy with Grammy and Grandpa), and hoping that Lucy Melat will like us :).

I am excited to visit Gondar and see where our little girl's journey of life began. I keep thinking back to the many months of anticipation and waiting, feeling like we were never getting on a plane. Like the wait just might be for nothing real. And now, here we are. Packing sweet little baby things into a suitcase. I can see that lawn at the Bejoe House. I can picture my sweet girl. I can't wait to feel her 16.7 lbs in my arms!

really REALLY great post

2010-05-09T01:39:00.001-07:00

Not by me :) But HERE. If you are adopting, have adopted, or think you may have the slightest teeniest bit of intrest, read it. DO it!!

tears and hope

2010-05-07T01:24:00.000-07:00

Today was a hard day. My long time friends, Steve and Vikki Jensen said goodbye to their 9 year old son, Luke, today. Steve and Vikki were youth leaders when Matt and I were in high school, and I've been blessed to call Vikki a friend as I entered adulthood.

Luke has battled AML Leukemia for the 2 and half years, and today, he went to be with Jesus. I am sitting here tonight and I think the weight of what it means to say goodbye to your child really means has finally surfaced. Steve and Vikki have honored the Lord every step of this journey with Luke. Luke LOVED the Lord and was so brave and fought hard. His siblings gave their bone marrow. Families and community have rallied. And today, Luke was healed. Thanking the Lord we have the Hope of meeting this brave boy again in Heaven. Joyful he is in pain no longer. Deeply grieving what my friends are going through.

Tonight, I squeezed my boys tighter, and had more patience than usual for thier nightly antics. I was thankful. I missed my daughter, hating that any number of days of her life have gone by without us kissing her goodnight. It seems so odd, that as they say goodbye to their precious boy, we are welcoming a new life into our family. Can't help but say to the Lord, "WHY??" Why do children have to get cancer? Why didn't the treatments work? Why, Why, Why did my friends have to say goodbye to their sweet boy? I don't understand. Through my tears, I do trust God. That he sees more than we do. I do believe we have precious hope of eternity with those we love who believe. I am so thankful that Jesus came, so we could have eternity with our Creator. So we can experience heaven with those we have loved on earth.

That hope gives me peace about the future. It doesn't take away the pain of the loss of this precious boy who impacted so many lives. Here's a snippet of the Jensen's story today in the local paper.

Baby Photos/Care Packages? I deliver!

2010-05-02T21:49:00.000-07:00

I know there are several of you out there who'd like some baby pictures of your little sweetie pies who are waiting for you in Ethiopia and/or a care package delivered. We feel INCREDIBLY blessed to have so many wonderful pictures of our girl, thanks to recently traveling families. We would be SO honored to pay it forward by taking some pics of your sweet babies. Email a photo and your childs info, in this format please, and I'll do my best to get some great photos and I'll be sure to deliver your little bundles of love to your babies!

Child's Name
Gladney Foster Care Home #___
Your name/email

email me at erynkesler@gmail.com, I can't wait to meet all of your little sweet things!

Introducing Lucy Melat!

2010-04-30T08:18:00.000-07:00

I posted this yesterday, but for some weird reason it only shows up through facebook, so I'm reposting it here now!

Here is the beautiful girl we can officially call our daughter! Lucy Melat Kesler!

No News today...

2010-04-28T12:52:00.000-07:00

Apparently the phones/internet have been down in Ethiopia yesterday and today, so the staff at Gladney was not able to get any court updates. Hoping things are back up and running tomorrow so we can get our update on wether or not we passed court.

Thoughts of the day, Court Count Down-1!

2010-04-27T17:01:00.000-07:00

Today, I am filled with peace.

Yesterday, I was kind of a ball of anxiety (ask my husband, I was "on edge", as he nicely described it as I barked orders at my kids in Costco).

I have a new favorite. Matt Maher...a worship/musician. I LOVE his music right now, and today, I found this song, Shout of the King. It is perfect for today. We wait, we trust. We believe in God's plan for ours and Lucy's lives.

Here's the Lyrics:
Verse 1
You're not like man
That you should lie
You do not falter
Or change your mind

All that you say
Is what you do
All that you promise
You're seeing through

Pre-Chorus 1
So we wait on you, lord
And we rise to your voice

Chorus
The shout of the king, the son of god
Your presence now here with us
The sound of praise all in a name
Jesus Christ, the one who saves
All you people rise to the shout of the king

Verse 2
There is no power
No scheme of man
That separates
Us from your hand

We will not move
Far from your gaze
Here in your presence
We will remain

Pre-Chorus 2
So we stand on you word
And we run to your voice

Bridge
It's the sound that breaks down strongholds
It's the sound that makes a sinner whole
The sound of freedom falling on the earth
The sound of victory

Also, this devotional/meditation from Streams in the Desert spoke truth to me this morning, too. God is good, and for now, I've been able to let go of my worry and anxiety about tomorrow's news. ( I have been looking for this book and haven't found it for myself, but I subscribe to it on email...by LB Cowman)

April 27
His Billows

"All thy waves and thy billows are gone over me" (Ps. 42:7).

They are HIS billows, whether they go o'er us,
Hiding His face in smothering spray and foam;
Or smooth and sparkling, spread a path before us,
And to our haven bear us safely home.

They are HIS billows, whether for our succor
He walks across them, stilling all our fear;
Or to our cry there comes no aid nor answer,
And in the lonely silence none is near.
They are HIS billows, whether we are toiling
Through tempest-driven waves that never cease,
While deep to deep with clamor loud is calling;
Or at His word they hush themselves in peace.

They are HIS billows, whether He divides them,
Making us walk dryshod where seas had flowed;
Or lets tumultuous breakers surge about us,
Rushing unchecked across our only road.
They are HIS billows, and He brings us through them;
So He has promised, so His love will do.
Keeping and leading, guiding and upholding,
To His sure harbor, He will bring us through.
--Annie Johnson Flint

Stand up in the place where the dear Lord has put you, and there do your best. God gives us trial tests. He puts life before us as an antagonist face to face. Out of the buffeting of a serious conflict we are expected to grow strong. The tree that grows where tempests toss its boughs and bend its trunk often almost to breaking, is often more firmly rooted than the tree which grows in the sequestered valley where no storm ever brings stress or strain. The same is true of life. The grandest character is grown in hardship. --Selected

No, Really.

2010-04-26T09:21:00.000-07:00

No, Really. I have the best mom (emphasis on I...me. I do.)

She is really. the. best. When I need someone to listen to me endlessly rattle on about every puny detail of adoption...she listens. When I need to cry, she lets me. When I need to get out of the house, she goes with me. She plans to be here when she knows big days are coming. She was here bright and early on Friday with Starbucks so she could be here when we got the court call, and I was so glad she was. We cried, made the calls we needed to make, and then we hopped in the car. We spent a few hours shopping for baby socks and jammies, (and really, cute little pink sockies and jammies...they DO help lift the spirits.) We spent some time at their house in the afternoon..there is just something about being HOME to me. Not mine and Matt's house, my parents home. It's still home. They even left, and I stayed. It just makes me feel better to be there sometimes (thankfully, my hubby is cool with that). My parents are so supportive of our adoption...anticipation and love exactly like with our two homemade babies. Probably more so, since they have had loads of time with this one. I couldn't ask for a better family. ( She is already talking about taking some time off on Weds, so she can be here for this weeks court call).

Since we left the house in a hurry on Saturday, dying to GET OUT, we left a mess. When we got home last night, the cleaning fairy had come! I knew instantly that my mom had done it. She had planned to come over and pick up her vacuum I'd borrowed, and my kitchen and my boys pig sty, were all straigtened up and tidy. What a sweet surprise! and THEN...Matt spotted THIS in Lucy's room:

I knew exactly who had put it there, she'd been threatening for 2 weeks to buy it. When I called her to say thanks for all the sweet surprises, she said "it's your fault, you left me here alone! I had to do something :)" Lucy's babies are quite happy in there, we hope she'll like it too!

Really. MY mom is the best of all moms. REALLY.

New Count Down- 3 days til court!

2010-04-25T22:33:00.000-07:00

I'm not gonna lie. Friday was lousy. I tried my best to be prepared for the reality that it just might not happen the first time. Somehow, I still talked myself into thinking that since we'd waited SO long for a court date, somehow, it would even out and we'd get by the first time. I was so bummed. I was thankful my mom was here to get me out of the house and help me pick my heart up off the floor.

Saturday morning was great. We have some dear friends who are going through something way harder. Thier sweet 9 year old boy is fighting Leukemia for the 3rd time in the last two and a half years. Their faith is astounding. Their journey has been so hard, yet gives the Lord so much glory. Luke needs a miracle. There really is no medical treatment that can save him at this point. It's all been done. You can see more of their story here. www.caringbridge.org/lukejensen Anyhow, on Saturday morning a special snow storm was arranged for the Jensen's. Over 100 people, and 3 huge imported loads of snow from Mt Hood arrived in their front yard. Friends, family, neighbors, all poured out their love and shoveled this special snowstorm all around their yard for Luke. It was so amazing. So much love, so much joy, and lots of happy tears. I am so blessed to be a part of this family of Christ...it was amazing and beautiful to witness. Luke was pleased and his family was really blessed. It was AWESOME!

Then, we escaped. We threw some clean undies and toothbrushes and some food in the car and we zipped off to Cannon Beach, OR for a peaceful and relaxing overnighter. We laughed, Hayden lost his first tooth, and we played and played on the beach. The ocean, particularly that beach, is always perfect medicine to my soul. Somehow, my stress just melts away when that sea air hits my face. I really really LOVE the ocean and the beach. Matt and I have had so many relaxing getaways at that beach, I think the sight of Haystack Rock just triggers "relax" in my brain now. It was perfect. I feel refreshed, and calm, ready for the new count down to our "new" court date.

Delay....

2010-04-23T09:31:00.000-07:00

I am so bummed. Our court date was rescheduled for next weds. MOWA was missing a document the need to see. Not sure how it became missing, it was an attachment to a document. The original orphanage has the document needed, and it will be provided to MOWA on Monday or Tuesday. Please pray there are no further delays.

Lucy Melat. - we passed!!

2010-04-23T00:51:00.001-07:00

Introducing Lucy Melat Kesler! She is officially a Kesler and our girl forever!

Court Count Down- TWO! 2! ONLY TWO days!

2010-04-21T10:14:00.000-07:00

Oh. My. Goodness.

I can't believe we are this close to our court date! We waited almost 14 weeks from referral to finding out what our court date was. 3 more til the actual date. It seems a little unreal that it has been 4 months since we first saw that sweet face. She has gained 4.6 lbs and grown 3.4 inches! She is creeping up on 9 months old. By american growth charts, she falls into 50-75% for height, and under 5% for weight and head circumferance. She's a bean pole. Which, will fit in nicely with my hubby and boys who are all off the charts for "average" height!

I am dying to get my hands on her, and share some of her milestones with her. I'm glad she doesn't yet crawl or have teeth, because I really want to be there for those big firsts.

We feel so blessed that a group of our friends have been praying and fasting on our behalf, praying for our court date and all the details that go with it. I am getting asked alot what exactly is happening, or what to pray for, specifically, so I'll give a recap here. I am pretty much begging the Lord to allow all the details to come together without a hitch, so we can get on a plane ASAP! I really REALLY want to be in Ethiopia for Mother's Day.

The process actually begins on Thursday in Ethiopia (roughly 12 hours ahead of Pacific Standard Time)...so I'm guessing sometime tonight between 9pm and 5am tomorrow, our time, our file and baby girl’s file will be reviewed by MOWA (ministry of women's affairs) on Thursday. Please pray that they issue a positive opinion and recommendation for our adoption to the judge without any hang-ups. This must happen for the court on Friday to hear our case.

A representative from the orphanage in Gondar (the original orphanage Lucy was at) is required to be t the court appointment, and will be traveling and bringing Lucy's family member to the court appointment on Friday. Please pray for safe travel and that they are able to bring all necessary documentation that the court will need to complete the relinquishment process. (I am not exactly sure when they are traveling, I would imagine it to be between 9pm Weds our time and 9 am Thursday our time). My heart is kind of heavy for this family member today. I am praying that she has peace about her decision and somehow that she will know how much we already love her.

Please pray that the judge would have no delays to keep her from court that day (there is only ONE judge in all of Ethiopian Federal court who processes adoption cases-if she's not there, no cases are heard, from what I understand). Please pray that all the needed documentation would be there so we can have our case finalized and officially and legally be Lucy's parents!! (This will be happening between 9pm Thursday night and 5am Friday morning our time.)

Lastly, we are praying that we will be able to travel in the first group of May. It may be pushing it for us to squeak into that group, I have been praying that for awhile now. Lucy will be 9 months old on May 7th. We also just found an AMAZING deal on airfare that would only be around $2000 for both of us round trip! But, we would have to begin travel no later than May 6th to get the deal. We would love to be able to take advantage of that amazing fare.

So, that's where we're at. Waiting for one of the biggest decisions of our lives. Butterflies have officially set in. I'm trying to distract myself with projects so I don't just sit around feeling nervous and nauseated :) Instead I'm washing little pink and purple things, doing a little packing and organizing, and praying my face off.

Here's a few pics of yesterday's project....high chair makeover. Some friends of my brother and sister in laws, handed down this nice high chair to us. I was so happy to get a wooden high chair! I've been wanting one, but NOT wanting to spend big $$ on one. This one had been used with two sweet kiddos and needed a little TLC, which I was happy to give! A little black paint, distressing, and new zebra print cover for the pad, and Voila'! good as new and fit a for an Ethiopian princess!

BEFORE:

AFTER

Counting Down to Court- 5 days!

2010-04-18T20:32:00.000-07:00

In honor of the countdown, here's 5 pictures from the fun family shower for Lucy and I this weekend. I have the two BEST sister-in-laws who through a very nice party for us! I am so blessed to have such a wonderful support for this journey. And let's just say my mom, aka Grammy, is out of control, in a good way :) It will be good for her pocket book when this little lady is home to keep grammy's arms to busy to shop anymore :)

L-R Nana (matt's mom), Kate and Rachel (neice and sister in law #1), Gramma Jackie, Grammy Denise (my mom), Elena (Sister in law's sister), Christy (my best blogger buddy), Me, Aunt Cheryl, Stephanie (sister in law #2), Cousin Anna, Cousin Emily, Cousin Mandy (with baby cousin in her tummy)...we missed a few in the picture, Aunt Shari, Cousin Jessica and Kennedy, who had to leave before we snapped a pic :)

We were given wonderful, adorable gifts by all!

Single Digits! Count Down-9 days til court!

2010-04-14T20:10:00.000-07:00

It feels so odd to say we're finally in a single digit of DAYS to our court date! It's been a loong time coming. We are trying to prepare that it COULD go perfectly and we'd pass through on the first time, and trying to prepare our hearts for the reality that lots of times it doesn't go perfectly on the first court day :).

We are anxious and ready to bring home our sweet baby girl. I was told by a friend in Ethiopia this week, that our little missy was trying to get up on all 4's...I of course told her, "knock her down and tell her to wait for her mama!" I don't want to miss one thing, especially not a biggie like a first crawl! I would be ready to get on a plane at a moment's notice if they told us we could. It's been a long 4.5 months since we first saw that sweet little face. She has grown and changed so much. I try my best to celebrate her health and the fact she's doing so well physically in Gladney's care, but the mama in me wants to shout "STOP! Just WAIT for me to get there!"

We are pray pray praying that we can hop on a plane on May 5th to begin our final leg of the journey to meet our sweet thing!

Lull

2010-04-10T22:30:00.000-07:00

It sort of feels like I dont' have anything new to blog about these days. We are happily waiting for our court date in 13 days! We are anxious, and calm, at the same time if that's possible! We are so ready to hop on a plane, but we are at peace with God's perfect timing. The weeks leading up to finding out what our court date is feel like the hardest wait yet. It was such a roller coaster for a bit there! We are thankful to finally know we are moving forward. I can't believe we are creeping up on 4 months since our referral! Our girl is growing and developing fast, and I can't help but feel some sadness about missing her new milestones.

We were blessed with new photos and 2 new videos of her this weekend! We learned that she can blow a mean razzberry and she eats/spits out oatmeal very well :) I have been wondering about solid foods, so that was really nice to see. We also learned that she is spending some time on the floor working on her strength...and she's trying to get up on all 4's. I told a friend in Ethiopia to quickly knock her down before she tries to crawl, I want to be there for that one!

We have two local familes who are in various stages of the process with Gladney's Ethiopia program. One who is SO close to getting on the wait list...and another in the paperchase stage. Catching up on both journeys has reminded me how far we really have come and all that the Lord has taught us. This journey has been one to meet our daughter, but God has given US so much. We have been blessed beyond measure, and our hearts have changed in some big ways.

A friend was asking me a bit about our daughters story, and through sharing a bit of it, again it's hit me, how much she has lost in her short 8 months. This friend asked why she was being relinquished. Now, there are some people who ask these questions with no hesitation or idea of appropriate questions. And there are those who ask with a spirit of genuine sensitivity and caring. This was the latter. I really don't mind those...when I shared a bit of her story that we know, what her family has gone through and why they can't keep her...she was taken aback. The words "to save her life" are in our paperwork. We just don't often see or experience this kind of poverty in our country. If a parent is totally in poverty, yet wishes to raise their own child, there ARE resources to help you do so. Systems to help you. It's just different in Ethiopia. It really is a whole different thing than we experience here in the US of A. (No offense to anyone here in the US, or who's adopted a child in the US...I am a big fan of that too!)

Well, this is starting to ramble on so I'll stop :) Goodnight!

Fun Giveaway!

2010-04-07T17:41:00.000-07:00

Check it out at Amy Bottomly's Blog!

sweetness

2010-04-01T00:00:00.000-07:00

This family was so much fun and adorable to shoot on one of our beautiful sunny days last week! Two beautiful and happy boys who are loved to peices...These are a few of my faves:

Breaking News!

2010-03-31T13:28:00.000-07:00

We got a call from Natalie, our Gladney caseworker, this morning! WE HAVE A COURT DATE PEOPLE! Nearly 14 weeks of waiting to hear the words "I have your court date!" Matt and I exchanged hi-5's after Natalie told us April 23rd would be our court date in Ethiopia.

We also found out that my blogger buddy, Heidi ALSO got the SAME court date! We've been wishing and hoping for MONTHS that we'd be traveling together to get our kiddos, and we were so excited to share this happy news today! We're one step closer to those sweet little people in Ethiopia!
We are absolutely are hoping and praying that things go smoothly on the initial court date. We are also preparing ourselves for the reality/possiblity that there are often delays. Sometimes related to the case, sometimes completely unrelated to us our our case. Delays don't always occur, but they are not uncommon. We expect to get a call sometime on April 23rd with results of our court appointment.

We are praying for:
-Favorable opinion from MOWA on April 22nd.
-Safe and smooth travel for the staff member from the original orphanage in Gondar who is also bringing a needed family member to our court appt along with all needed documentation
- A quick and easy FINAL decision from the judge ON April 23rd!
-Travel as soon as possible following our finalization in court! We are hoping for mid-May.

Play...

2010-03-30T23:24:00.000-07:00

Today was a very low key day at the Kesler house. It's a very rainy spring break here in the PNW...Yard Work was on the menu for the week, but it just didn't happen today.

I did get some laundry done, my hubby worked on our budget spreadsheet, and I got my grocery shopping done.

They boys played really well together today, and for hours this afternoon, they played "Adoption". It was too cute. They gathered up all kinds of animals, and baby dolls of all colors. Hayden was the "daddy" and Jack was the "mommy". Jack found my date night purse (the fanciest thing I own...a Coach purse that my friend gave me) for his diaper bag :) They propped up their babies all over the living room and took care of them for a few hours...it was really funny.

Hopefully tomorrow, we'll be able to get back to our yard work...it's really REALLY soggy right now. :)

i am in love...

2010-03-29T22:13:00.000-07:00

with these precious fingers. can't get enough! thanks so much, gail!

Good News!

2010-03-27T21:13:00.000-07:00

My previous post was This is shaping up to be a good week. Scratch good. It was great!

Monday-Christy got her referral! SO happy for her, it was almost as good for me as getting our referral!
Tuesday (like I posted) - our needed document was received by Gladney staff in Addis Ababa, ET. Mom asked us to lunch to celebrate the good news! Hayden celebrated by puking all over the floor of Taco Time, so that was fun:(
Wednesday-Hayden was still a sickie, but I enjoyed another day of snuggles and laying low with my boys.
Thursday-more good news! Our file was submitted to the courts in ET! That means we'll only be traveling ONCE to ET. I'm relieved that we will only have one round of travel expenses, and will be able to bring the little lady home the first time we meet her :) And, my boy was finally feeling better.
Friday-Mom and I hit up Kohl's and Starbucks. Scored some good deals on some comfy travel clothes :) Thanks Mom, for sharing your extra 30% off with me! I LOVE my friday morning routine...Send the boys off with Nana for some fun time at the local library and fun with Nana, while my mom and I make our friday morning rounds to Starbucks and Kohl's in search of great deals. I also got to see my sweet friend Jen, who moved to Michigan this fall (boo-miss her so much!) BUT the happy news is they are coming back the Couve in a few months! Yay!
Saturday-The President and CEO of Kesler Enterprises (my hubbster) declared Spring Break yard renovation week! Yard work is very near the bottom of my life priorities. BUT, he's been wanting to give our kids a nice space to play ever since we moved in here, almost 3 years ago! As a family, we shoveled a truck load of dirt into our truck, and Matt and the fellas worked outside, while I ran errands. I forgot that I LOATHE that part of home improvement projects. The 10,000 trips to the store for this or that that you forgot you needed. BUT I DO prefer shopping to shoveling, so I'll take it! :) We take tomorrow off from yard work, and hang with the fam and do the church thing...then Monday, we're back into yard work.

NEXT step, you ask? We are waiting for that magic date in Ethiopian Court. We expect to hear in the next few weeks what our court date is, which will likely be a few weeks out from that point. (so-3-6 weeks out from now, likely)...then, a few more weeks, hopefully before we travel. We are doing okay with this now, although we still can't believe it's now been a full 3 months since seeing our little gals face for the first time, and there's till no finish line in front of us. We know we're in the homestretch though...

It's shaping up to be a good week

2010-03-23T23:09:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I started my day with my wonderful friend, Christy, calling me to tell me that after 10 months on the waiting list with her agency, SHE GOT A REFERRAL!!

Christy and I met via blogland, and get the priveledge of living near enough each other, that we actually get to spend time together occasionally. We went on our waitlists within 2 weeks of eachother, and both of us fully expected that she'd get her referral first, since she was waiting for a toddler boy, which typically come much quicker than infant girl referrals. So, when we got ours, we were both shocked that she had not gotten hers yet.

Christy and I have leaned on eachother alot during these past months for encouragment and support. It's gotten to the point where we've talked on the phone, or texted, or emailed, several times a week, if not daily :) It's been such a blessing to have a Godly woman to walk this journey with. When I'm down, she encourages me, and vice-versa. I am SO SO happy that they finally have seen little baby "B"'s sweet little face!

Also, go HERE to congratulate the Bottomly's on their wonderful news of a referral!!

In other good news (not as fantastic as a referral), we got word today that "the missing document" has been recieved by Gladney's in country staff! HOORAY!! Our little file should be arriving for submission in the Ethiopian courts sometime this week. What does that mean? It means within the next few weeks, we should finally hear what our courtdate is, AND that since our file will be submitted by April 9th, we should only be traveling ONCE. I'm very thankful for that...although it would have been fantastic to see little Miss Lucy's face sooner, I'm thankful to save the load of cash, and that the first time we travel, we'll be bringing her HOME.

I'm hoping that all of my other friends waiting for important news too (like file submissions, court dates, and of course REFERRALS!) will hear too this week. Let the GOOD NEWS START FLOODING IN!

I'm thinking...

2010-03-19T22:43:00.000-07:00

About our daughter's story and how to document it for her.
About traveling to Gondar, Ethiopia (after the past few days of thinking, I think we've decided it's
REALLY important to do so.) (newsflash...sorry, Mom if you're reading it here first, it's too late to call!)(that's alot of parenthesis)
Enjoying this book from the Library (thanks, Lori Rooney!)

"If you can't say somethin' nice..."

2010-03-17T22:01:00.000-07:00

"Don't say nothin' at all"- Thumper (from Bambi)

I feel like I should stop blogging until this blows over, so I don't scare away any newbies to adoption :)

But...it's real. It's the journey. It's life.

Right now, I feel like I'm working to manage my disappointment. Period. It's how I'm getting through. I'm trying to be real, taking it to the Lord, and letting Him carry it. But, honestly, sometimes I even have a hard time with that. Encouragement from friends who get it has meant SO much. Thanks for your kind words.

We did get a sliver of good news today...the "missing document" from our file is en route to Addis from Gondar...via express shipping. I wonder what that is in Ethiopia? I'm guessing it's not FedEx Overnight.

The news that was hard to hear, and honestly, very disappointing, was that once Gladney receives it and submits our file to the Federal Court, it will likely be 3 weeks before a court date is assigned to us. Currently the actual court dates are occuring 2-3 weeks out from that point. So...it will likely be another 5-6 weeks before the court date happens...and then 2-6 weeks after that for travel (assuming we pass the first time). That likely puts us into May for travel. It has nothing to do with Gladney...they are waiting just like us. I truly believe they work hard for us, and are very proactive on our behalf. But it is what it is. MORE WAITING. My friend, Heidi, is in the exact same boat. (only, she preceeded this current wait, with a long near 13 month wait on the wait list for a referral!)

It really felt like someone punched me in the gut...for the second week in a row. Knocked the wind out of me, punched in the gut feeling. U.G.H

Please pray for both Heidi and I, and our wonderful husbands, that doors would be opened, papers expedited, and ASAP courtdates to open up before the eyes of our Gladney staff as they work on our behalf to unite us with our children.

It's not all rainbows and sunshine in adoption land

2010-03-17T10:13:00.000-07:00

I had a big long pity party post typed up, but I never posted it. Yesterday was a hard day....I am so super happy for all the families getting good news of court dates and travel dates, REALLY, I am. Please don't be offended if you are one of them :) I am usually a glass half full, positive kind of gal. So, sadness and disappointment catch me off guard sometimes. Like this past week. It was a roller coaster last week, thinking we are super close to a court date, then a new Ethiopian policy sending us twice to Ethiopia leading to us looking into our court date more (we hit 12 weeks waiting on Friday), finding out we have not yet been submitted to the court, meaning we'd for sure have to travel twice. Then, that was all postponed, and finding out our file is still waiting for one more document before submission to court. Blah, Blah, Blah. We still wait, that's it in a nutshell. We weren't as close to finding out our court date as we thought we should be after 3 months, BUT...we were reassured that our agency believes we'll make the cutoff of April 9th for only having to travel once.

Several families have gotten great news this week. While I'm thrilled for them ALL, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't hugely disappointed to not be one of them. Being the positive thinker I usually am, I really didn't prepare for this kind of disappointment. The kind that hits me in the gut, makes me want to cry and vomit and go to bed and pull covers over my head and hide. I never imagined we'd cross the threshold of 3 months of waiting after our referral, just to hear WHAT the court date is. I had it in my head that we'd be travelling with all the others who got referrals around the time we did. Adoption lesson #542- don't have expectations of timelines :).

Today, is a new day. I'm focusing on the blessings I have...my healthy kids, a warm toasty home with plenty of food to eat and a job for my husband that meets our needs. Lots of friends and family who LOVE us. Today, I'm telling the pit in my gut to go away, and seeking the Lord to fill the hole with hope and peace.

I'am starting to feel like I need to get prepared to travel. I also know me, and I could have it all done in a few days, and then have nothing to keep me occupied while we WAIT. So, I've been thinking of some other projects that could be done around here to keep me busy. Here's my list:

Paint the Laundry Room
Paint my desk

Sew this cute top
Clean the kids closet out and get rid of too small items
Get some bins for Humanitarian Aid items
Get some bins for hand me downs for Lucy (thanks Marie and Michelle!)
start a box for travel items for Matt and I
Make my cousins baby gift

Those are a few to start...should keep me busy, right?

If you are still in the pre-waiting phase of adoption waiting, or waitlist waiting, or paperwork waiting, I promise, it's not all grey and rainy days in adoption. There are many joys along the way, and We have seen God's faithfulness and provision over and over. We expect to see it again here. It's really easy to be discouraged and disappointed and feel like it's never ever going to end. But...we know it will. We know He is faithful.

The Twist Part 2

2010-03-14T20:35:00.000-07:00

e just got home from a great weekend away at the coast with good friends. It was soooo nice to relax and NOT think about adoption all weekend!

We did receive some good news on Friday, and I wanted to thank you all for praying and supporting us.

On Friday another email update came from our agency, telling us that the Ethiopian Federal Court had decided to postpone the new policy going into effect until April 9th. As long as we get our court date by then, we will only have to travel ONCE.

Later that afternoon, our caseworker called to give me an update on our case (She is AMAZING, and has this ability to be on top of quesitons I have, just before I ask them). Since we are creeping up on the 3 month mark, she wanted to find out what is taking so long with our case (the current months average was 2-3 month wait for a court date last month--we are now on the LONG side of average). She spoke with the Ethiopia Program Director in Ethiopia who said they are waiting on one document from the original orphanage our girl came from to complete her file. He expects that to take about a week and a half to receive, and feels confident we should make that April 9th cutoff date. It was a little disappointing to hear that it could be another week or two to receive our court date, but also really nice to know where we stand. As long as our court date is on the books before April 9th, we'll be good with one trip to Ethiopia (the court date does not have to BE before April 9th, just scheduled before then).

Would you please join us in praying for these specifics?

that the final documentation needed can be completed sooner than anticipated,
that we can be surprised with news of a court date before the time expected
that we could pass court on the very first attempt
We could be booked into the very first travel dates following our court date
pray for peace and patience while we wait for these important milestones

adoption twist. oh my.

2010-03-10T23:43:00.000-08:00

We were informed today of an interesting twist in our adoption .

Effective today, the Ethiopian Government is requiring that adoptive parents be present for the court date (or at least the initial court date). This means we will have to travel twice to Ethiopia to finalize our adoption. The first time (probably in a few weeks) we will go for 5 days. Then we'll come home (without Lucy) and then once things are all finalized, we'll return for our embassy appointment for a 7 day trip and at that point we'll bring her home (3-6 weeks after the final court date).

Please pray for us! It was a shocking piece of news. Obviously, this adds quite a difference financially. Last time we checked airline tickets are around $1300 per ticket. That could go up if we have to buy tickets on short notice...plus the expense of hotel, driver, food, visas, etc (we expect costs to be somewhere in the neighborhood of $4-5000 per trip). We were not prepared for that twice, needless to say. We are excited that we'll get to meet our girl sooner, but not at all excited about meeting her, spending a week with her and then coming home without her.

We are confident in God's provision. He has provided with everything we've needed thus far.

Here's our list of prayer requests:

A quick court date. (we've been waiting almost 11 weeks already!)
Inexpensive airfare when the time comes to travel
That we'd pass court at the first attempt (in can often not happen on the first try)
That God would prepare our hearts to meet, love, and bond with our girl, and then say good bye temporarily.
That everything will fall into place for Matt to be gone from work twice in a short amount of time
That God will provide our needed finances, one way or another.

Thanks Friends! Eryn and Matt

Baby Makes the Belly Go Round

2010-03-08T21:49:00.000-08:00

I have been blessed with the privelege of shooting some fun photos this month! Here's a peek at one of my latest, my sweet cousin and her baby boy's first birthday. Her little neice (my other cousin's little one) came along to play too, it was so fun! Mandy is going to be a busy mama in a few weeks with another one coming soon! Here are some of my faves: (you can view more of my photos at my website www.erynkesler.com)

A Good blog post about talking to your kids about racism

2010-03-04T08:49:00.000-08:00

There's this blog I love. Rage Against the Minivan.

Kristen has 4 kids- two biological daughters and two adopted sons. One was foster adopt, and one recently home from Haiti (amazing story in and of itself!).

Anyhoo, Kristen just wrote a great blog post about dealing with kids/ parents on subjects of race. She is talking from a personal experience, but also gives some really good tips on how to talk to kids about race in a normal, healthy every day experience. How NOT talking about it, does not equal "all skin colors are equal". I'm guilty of not talking about skin colors. Some think pointing out the differences to our kids is not politically correct. We learned that whatever we were doing wasn't working, when Hayden recently said to us "How are we going to paint Lucy's skin to look like ours when she gets here?" UM. WE AREN'T. We have talked about her skin being a different color than ours, we thought we'd given them time to get used to the idea. It never crossed our minds that they would think she needed to match us.

Anyhow, any and all parents of white kids, asian kids, native american kids, black kids, could benefit from reading THIS.

"I don't want my kids to be happy"- Edited

2010-03-01T16:08:00.000-08:00

While doing my daily blog ~~stalking~~ reading, I came across my pal Gayla's post. She copied it and pasted it from another blog. I. AM. IN. LOVE. with this post. Let's just say, "my sentiments, exactly!"

While we have had nothing but support from our loved ones, aside from that point in this snippet of another mama's blog, I agree with all of it. ALL OF IT.

At this point I'm not sure who to give credit to, but anonymous blog mama...beautifully said.

TITLE: I don't want my children to be happy. (This came from It's Almost Naptime's blog)
Dear Shepherd, Sissy, Maggie and Ikey,

Recently we were told by people whom we love and respect why they oppose our plans to adopt. One of the reasons given was that we would not be able to pay for your college education.

It's true.

You all have college funds - college funds which recently took a terrible hit - but "they" say that by the time you're 18, college will cost anywhere between $200,000 to half a million dollars each. You might as well know now, we won't be covering that. I'm telling you now, babies.

The people said that the day would come when you would look at us with resentment because you had to apply for school loans while many of your friends got a free ride from their parents.

Maybe you will. Maybe you'll resent us. I really hope not. But maybe I should tell y'all now why your dad and I have decided to do what we are doing.

I know you're going to think I am going off topic (I do that a lot) but several years I saw a story on a TV show about how the latest trend was for parents to give their daughters boob jobs for high school graduation (I don't know what they gave their sons.) When interviewing one of the moms, she said, "I just want my daughter to be happy." And as I tossed a throw pillow at the television, this really huge thought occurred to me: I don't want my children to be happy.

My goal as your mom is not your happiness, sugars. In fact, I spend at least half my day making you unhappy. If I had a nickle for every tear that falls in this home on a daily basis, we wouldn't need to worry about college tuition at all.

Happiness is fleeting, sweet babies. That means it doesn't last. It's a quick feeling that comes from a funny movie or a heart shaped lollipop or a really good birthday present. It's great. I love to be happy. But happiness is a reaction that is based on our surroundings. And our surroundings are so very rarely under our control. Even when - especially when - we think they are. So no, I absolutely don't want you to spend your life chasing something that has so little to do with your own abilities. You'll just be constantly frustrated.

There are two things I desire for you, precious loves. There are two things that I spend most of my time as a mother trying cultivate in you. Happiness ain't one of them. (This means, sorry, no boob jobs for you.)

The first is, I want you to be content. Being content is so much different from being happy. Being content is not based on your surroundings. Being content comes from within. Contentment is a spirit of gratitude. It's the choice you make to either be thankful for the things you do have, or to whine about the things you don't have.

As you know, because I've told you lots of times, Paul talked about being content. Paul said that he had "learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want." And Paul was in some rotten situations, kiddos, really rotten.

How could Paul be content whether he was in prison or if his life was literally a shipwreck? Because Paul was constantly seeking to be in the will of God instead of his own, was constantly sacrificing his own comfort for the sake of the gospel, and was constantly being confirmed, strengthened, and blessed by God because of his obedience. He was given a supernatural power - that means something kind of like magic, God magic - to do things that most other humans could not do. And guess what? The bible tells us (in Ephesians 1) that God will give you the exact same power! If you want it!

Which leads me to my second desire for y'all.

I don't want you to be happy. I want you to be holy. That means, I want you to seek that God-power to make you content. I want you to want the Kingdom of God more than your own kingdom. And that's hard, babies, that is so hard. And that usually means passing up a lot of what the world considers happiness. But it means that you will achieve blessings directly from God that most of the world never dreams of because they are too occupied with the achieving the perfect birthday present!

This means you may be poor, 'in want' as Paul said, and that's okay. It will never, ever be okay with the world for you to be poor. So you'll be up against the world. But not your dad and me, loves, because it was never our goal for you to be wealthy - at least not in the way that the world considers wealthy.

Darlings, we love you so much. You will never even grasp how much we love you until you have children of your own, and then you'll get it, and then you'll apologize for the ways you treated us ;) But our goal is not to please you. Our goal is to please our Heavenly Father. And nowhere in the bible does the Lord command that we save our money to send our kids to college.

But the Lord does command us to care for the orphan around fifty times. He does tell us to care for the poor around 300 times. He does tell us that when we care for the neediest, we are caring for Jesus Himself. And in chapter six of the book of Matthew, He tells us to seek His kingdom first, and let Him worry about the rest, like college tuition. Because it's all His anyway.

They said that one day y'all would resent us for using 'your' college money to go and get your sister out of an orphanage in Ethiopia and bring her home to you.

But I know my babies. Even at your tender ages, I know your hearts, and I have already seen you weep for the least of these. I know the prayers I offer up to God that He and not the world would shape the desires of your hearts. I am trusting Him to answer those prayers.

So, sugarbears - I just don't believe those people.

Love,
Mommy

I thought I was done... (a reflection)

2010-02-23T20:27:00.000-08:00

Began this post a week ago, and never finished it: (warning...it's long.)

I've been nesting. Reorganizing...and if you know me at all, you know that is always a bigger mess than it was to begin with :). I set out to reorganize my craft stuff this weekend. I have an armoir in my dining area, neat and tidy little plastic bins...and oodles of craft stuff.

In my closet that I emptied, was a bunch of memorabilia from "THE AUCTION" that our friends hosted for us in May 2009 to support our adoption. Memorablilia I've been hanging onto, wanting to put into a scrapbook. The bag is was in was torn, stuff spilling out. I set it on the table to figure out what I needed to save, and what I could "purge". I'm big on purging right now.

So, I began to sift through...a scrapbook to put it in, programs, tickets, table decor...all so nice. I read through the program...it contained little excerpts from this blog from our journey to that point. That got me going, the tears flowing. Then...THEN, I started sifting through a stack of papers. My amazing friend, UH-MA-ZING, Nicole, the one who was the visionary behind the auction, handed everything over to me after the auction. All the donation forms, the lists of everyone who bought tickets and spent loads of money at the auction. It all came flooding back to me in a rush of emotions and tears. Here I am, at my messy table, in my sweats, weeping. I am again, overwhelmed by the generosity of total strangers and friends who are like family. They aren't "like" family, they are family. God met all of our needs financially in ONE night. Our friends generosity of time, talent, and money...accumlated to near $12000 that night. Again, I am overwhelmed by what God has already done to bring our family together through adoption.

Today (2/23/2010)
These past few days have been the hardest stretch of "the wait" thus far. My hubby coaches high school basketball (and he's an english/social studies teacher). Once upon a time, I LOVED basketball. I was passionate about, lived and breathed it. I played for several years in middle school/high school. Currently, however, it's no secret that basketball season is not my favorite time of year. It means for our family, that mid-November we part ways, and our normal doesn't come back until mid-February. My hubby and I have a ~~good~~ great relationship. We get along, we share our dreams, our hearts, our passions with eachother. We share responsibilities in raising our children. Matt is truly my best friend and deepest love. We truly look forward to spending time together, and also give eachother permission and grace to do things without each other. He gets superbowl sunday with "the guys" no questions asked. I get crafty weekends with the girls no questions asked. We are good for each other, yet we are blessed to live in the reality that our happiness in life does not rest on our spouses shoulders. All that to say, for 3 months, we pretty much live separate lives, and like the old saying goes we "pass like ships in the night". And, I MISS HIM. I go into survival mode. I fend for myself, make mac and cheese or pancakes for dinner. Laundry piles up and I don't care. We get by.

This year was different. This was our third basketball season. Our first season of basketball/adoption waiting. Without even knowing it, I locked away my emotions about waiting. I knew if I didn't keep it all disconnected, I would crack. I wouldn't be able to keep it together. So...I just haven't really felt much. I just pushed through, and so did Matt. We had to. Basketball officially ended for the Twolves last Wednesday. We had some great company throughout the week, and I had so much fun re-living my Twilight fun with my sister in law, Rachel. It was her first time seeing the movies. (We watched Twilight at home, and saw New Moon in the $3 theatre Saturday night. Twice. LOL!)Sunday they went home, and we headed out for church.

On our way to church, I said outloud, "I'm not really sure why, but I don't really feel like going to church today." No big deal, we went anyway. I sat blankly through the teaching, not really absorbing much. Worship came after that...and I fell apart. I sat there crying, realizing how disconnected I'd become from my feelings over the past two months. Normally, I'm a feeler. I cry over everything. I laugh easily...I feel what those around me feel. It was weird to realize I hadn't been doing that since we got our referral. I realized, I had not let my feelings out, and I that I was afraid I would not be able to keep it together through the rest of our wait if I let it out now. I have been fighting myself, and not allowing the Lord to meet me where I am. I am still afraid of that. Still afraid to let it all out, and let God meet me where I am.

I am tired of waiting for a court date. We've been waiting two months for a court date. I never thought it would take that long, even though I've told myself to not have expectations. I am emotional. I am probably PMSing. I am sure I'm post-basketball season emotional. I'm sure that I'm tired of adoption related waiting. I've cried alot these past 3 days. I'm tired. I want our baby home.

We are really enjoying being back together as a family every night. That is wonderful, and I'm so thankful that I like my husband so much. I came back to this post, because I wanted to remember how wonderfully God loves us, and has already provided. It reminds me that there's no way he'd leave this next phase of our story unwritten. I have so much to be thankful for, and it helps me keep trusting him for the rest.

Weird Dreams....

2010-02-16T00:47:00.000-08:00

I have a gnarly cold right now. My boys had it and kindly shared. I had the wackiest dream last night, and I'm sorry to say it involved most of you other gals waiting for court dates! I think it was induced by my cold meds and foggy brain, and court date anxiety.

It was short, but in my dream i was calling Christy (adoptive mom with another agency...patiently waiting for little boy referral any day!). Christy and I are the friend you can call and rant and rave about how long and ridiculous the adoption process is. We met by blogging but live near enough to each other to hang out now and then (not enough!).

Anyhow, I was really bummed in my dream, and I called Christy to tell her that mine and everyone else who was waiting for a court date...our referrals fell through. In one day, gladney called all of us to say, "we're so sorry, but it fell through". It was weird. Not a happy dream, and needless to say, I woke up today really wanting a reassuring call with a court date...but it didn't happen. I am praying praying praying it comes this week. I want to go get my girl! I am really not stressed about it, but we are inching closer and closer to missing out on the March travel dates, rolling us over into the first week of April...which happens to be Matt's spring break. You would think that would excite us, but it doesn't. His school district has some wack-a-doodle policies, and for him to get the most time off, we actually would want to go NOT on spring break. Some thing about emergency family leave...if we're required to be in ET by the embassy, then he gets some extra emergency leave. If he already has the time off...he doesn't get it. So...if we go mid-march, he would get to have close to 3 paid weeks off work. If we don't...well, we'll still have a great spring break. We just won't get to have him home much after travel. We know God has it covered...we are getting antsy. We just want her HOME.

Ups and Downs

2010-02-04T17:40:00.000-08:00

This adoption journey is just full of emotions. Ups, downs, in betweens...sometimes both in one day!

Today is one of those days. Actually, this is one of those weeks. (Coincidence that my "monthly visitor" is here? I think not.)

I was hoping for two things today...An update on the little Miss and an Ethiopian court date. I did get one...an update, and a super sweet one at that.

From an in-country staff member-"This little lady has one of the sweetest dispositions I’ve come across in an infant. Her sweet, wide smile spreads easily across her face when you interact with her. As I was leaving her today, she rolled over on her side, ready for her nap, and her eyes closed. She was all set for sweet dreams. When I patted her on the back to say goodbye, she turned her head slightly my way and smiled her wide gummy smile. Even when she’s nodding off, she still has the grace to be kind!"
Love to hear that!

She is creeping up on her 6 month birthday in a few days. I am so happy that she is happy and healthy and being loved well. But her little monthly birthdays are honestly, REALLY hard for me. I absolutely hate the idea of her getting any older without me (sort of the kind of emotional torment Bella experienced when facing her 18th birthday, realizing she was aging while beautiful perfect Edward, remained 17 forever...ah, Twilight. I digress...) ANYWAY...her birthdays are so hard for me. I want to be with her. I want to be the one she smiles at and generously gives her toothless grins too. I know those grins won't be toothless forever and I want to be there when she gets that first tooth! I want to be there when she sits for the first time. I want to be the receiver of the last smile before she goes to sleep. I am not trying to be Debbie Downer...but I kind of am.

Honestly, I have done really well, so far, with this wait. I was a freak right before our referral. Anxious...phone on at all times. Then,we saw her. We fell in love. And I've been great since. Patient, and peaceful. Trusting God. I still trust Him, completely. But...today, I am weepy and just absolutely missing her. I read the update, and already her personality is coming out. She's growing, changing, and here we sit, with a diapers, clothes, nursery...all waiting for her. I just want her here. I keep hearing this song float around from Steven Curtis Chapman (which, to warn you, in regards to adoption/waiting all of his songs make me weep).

Lyrics-When Love Takes You In
I know you’ve heard the stories
But they all sound too good to be true
You’ve heard about a place called home
But there doesn’t seem to be one for you
So one more night you cry yourself to sleep
And drift off to a distant dream
Where love takes you in and everything changes
A miracle starts with the beat of a heart
When love takes you home and says you belong here
The loneliness ends and a new life begins
When love takes you in
And somewhere while you’re sleeping
Someone else is dreaming too
Counting down the days until
They hold you close and say I love you
And like the rain that falls into the sea
In a moment what has been is lost in what will be
When love takes you in everything changes
A miracle starts with the beat of a heart
And this love will never let you go
There is nothing that could ever
cause this love to lose its hold
When love takes you in everything changes
A miracle starts with the beat of a heart
When love takes you home and says you belong here
The loneliness ends and a new life begins
When love takes you in it takes you in for good
When love takes you in
for the youtube video click here

It just makes me ache...because we do already love her. We dream daily about her. God has given us a place for her here. We are changed already. We want her.

I'm a teary mess.

Lord, please, open a court date for us. Pave the way for our sweet girl to be here with us, every day, for years and years to come. I believe that you are bigger than all the full court schedules, needed paperwork and embassy appointments.