Tuesday, February 23, 2010

I thought I was done... (a reflection)

Began this post a week ago, and never finished it: (warning...it's long.)

I've been nesting. Reorganizing...and if you know me at all, you know that is always a bigger mess than it was to begin with :). I set out to reorganize my craft stuff this weekend. I have an armoir in my dining area, neat and tidy little plastic bins...and oodles of craft stuff.

In my closet that I emptied, was a bunch of memorabilia from "THE AUCTION" that our friends hosted for us in May 2009 to support our adoption. Memorablilia I've been hanging onto, wanting to put into a scrapbook. The bag is was in was torn, stuff spilling out. I set it on the table to figure out what I needed to save, and what I could "purge". I'm big on purging right now.

So, I began to sift through...a scrapbook to put it in, programs, tickets, table decor...all so nice. I read through the program...it contained little excerpts from this blog from our journey to that point. That got me going, the tears flowing. Then...THEN, I started sifting through a stack of papers. My amazing friend, UH-MA-ZING, Nicole, the one who was the visionary behind the auction, handed everything over to me after the auction. All the donation forms, the lists of everyone who bought tickets and spent loads of money at the auction. It all came flooding back to me in a rush of emotions and tears. Here I am, at my messy table, in my sweats, weeping. I am again, overwhelmed by the generosity of total strangers and friends who are like family. They aren't "like" family, they are family. God met all of our needs financially in ONE night. Our friends generosity of time, talent, and money...accumlated to near $12000 that night. Again, I am overwhelmed by what God has already done to bring our family together through adoption.

Today (2/23/2010)
These past few days have been the hardest stretch of "the wait" thus far. My hubby coaches high school basketball (and he's an english/social studies teacher). Once upon a time, I LOVED basketball. I was passionate about, lived and breathed it. I played for several years in middle school/high school. Currently, however,  it's no secret that basketball season is not my favorite time of year. It means for our family, that mid-November we part ways, and our normal doesn't come back until mid-February. My hubby and I have a good great relationship. We get along, we share our dreams, our hearts, our passions with eachother. We share responsibilities in raising our children. Matt is truly my best friend and deepest love. We truly look forward to spending time together, and also give eachother permission and grace to do things without each other. He gets superbowl sunday with "the guys" no questions asked. I get crafty weekends with the girls no questions asked. We are good for each other, yet we are blessed to live in the reality that our happiness in life does not rest on our spouses shoulders. All that to say, for 3 months, we pretty much live separate lives, and like the old saying goes we "pass like ships in the night".  And, I MISS HIM. I go into survival mode. I fend for myself, make mac and cheese or pancakes for dinner. Laundry piles up and I don't care. We get by.

This year was different. This was our third basketball season. Our first season of basketball/adoption waiting. Without even knowing it, I locked away my emotions about waiting. I knew if I didn't keep it all disconnected, I would crack. I wouldn't be able to keep it together. So...I just haven't really felt much. I just pushed through, and so did Matt. We had to. Basketball officially ended for the Twolves last Wednesday. We had some great company throughout the week, and I had so much fun re-living my Twilight fun with my sister in law, Rachel. It was her first time seeing the movies. (We watched Twilight at home, and saw New Moon in the $3 theatre Saturday night. Twice. LOL!)Sunday they went home, and we headed out for church.

On our way to church, I said outloud, "I'm not really sure why, but I don't really feel like going to church today." No big deal, we went anyway. I sat blankly through the teaching, not really absorbing much. Worship came after that...and I fell apart. I sat there crying, realizing how disconnected I'd become from my feelings over the past two months. Normally, I'm a feeler. I cry over everything. I laugh easily...I feel what those around me feel. It was weird to realize I hadn't been doing that since we got our referral. I realized, I had not let my feelings out, and I that I was afraid I would not be able to keep it together through the rest of our wait if I let it out now. I have been fighting myself, and not allowing the Lord to meet me where I am. I am still afraid of that. Still afraid to let it all out, and let God meet me where I am.

I am tired of waiting for a court date. We've been waiting two months for a court date. I never thought it would take that long, even though I've told myself to not have expectations. I am emotional. I am probably PMSing. I am sure I'm post-basketball season emotional. I'm sure that I'm tired of adoption related waiting. I've cried alot these past 3 days. I'm tired. I want our baby home.

We are really enjoying being back together as a family every night. That is wonderful, and I'm so thankful that I like my husband so much. I came back to this post, because I wanted to remember how wonderfully God loves us, and has already provided. It reminds me that there's no way he'd leave this next phase of our story unwritten. I have so much to be thankful for, and it helps me keep trusting him for the rest.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Weird Dreams....

I have a gnarly cold right now. My boys had it and kindly shared. I had the wackiest dream last night, and I'm sorry to say it involved most of you other gals waiting for court dates! I think it was induced by my cold meds and foggy brain, and court date anxiety.

It was short, but in my dream i was calling Christy (adoptive mom with another agency...patiently waiting for little boy referral any day!). Christy and I are the friend you can call and rant and rave about how long and ridiculous the adoption process is. We met by blogging  but live near enough to each other to hang out now and then (not enough!).

Anyhow, I was really bummed in my dream, and I called Christy to tell her that mine and everyone else who was waiting for a court date...our referrals fell through. In one day, gladney called all of us to say, "we're so sorry, but it fell through". It was weird. Not a happy dream, and needless to say, I woke up today really wanting a reassuring call with a court date...but it didn't happen. I am praying praying praying it comes this week. I want to go get my girl! I am really not stressed about it, but we are inching closer and closer to missing out on the March travel dates, rolling us over into the first week of April...which happens to be Matt's spring break. You would think that would excite us, but it doesn't. His school district has some wack-a-doodle policies, and for him to get the most time off, we actually would want to go NOT on spring break. Some thing about emergency family leave...if we're required to be in ET by the embassy, then he gets some extra emergency leave.  If he already has the time off...he doesn't get it. So...if we go mid-march, he would get to have close to 3 paid weeks off work. If we don't...well, we'll still have a great spring break. We just won't get to have him home much after travel. We know God has it covered...we are getting antsy. We just want her HOME.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Ups and Downs

This adoption journey is just full of emotions. Ups, downs, in betweens...sometimes both in one day!

Today is one of those days. Actually, this is one of those weeks. (Coincidence that my "monthly visitor" is here? I think not.)

I was hoping for two things today...An update on the little Miss and an Ethiopian court date. I did get one...an update, and a super sweet one at that.

From an in-country staff member-"This little lady has one of the sweetest dispositions I’ve come across in an infant. Her sweet, wide smile spreads easily across her face when you interact with her. As I was leaving her today, she rolled over on her side, ready for her nap, and her eyes closed. She was all set for sweet dreams. When I patted her on the back to say goodbye, she turned her head slightly my way and smiled her wide gummy smile. Even when she’s nodding off, she still has the grace to be kind!"
Love to hear that!

She is creeping up on her 6 month birthday in a few days. I am so happy that she is happy and healthy and being loved well. But her little monthly birthdays are honestly, REALLY hard for me. I absolutely hate the idea of her getting any older without me (sort of the kind of emotional torment Bella experienced when facing her 18th birthday, realizing she was aging while beautiful perfect Edward, remained 17 forever...ah, Twilight. I digress...) ANYWAY...her birthdays are so hard for me. I want to be with her. I want to be the one she smiles at and generously gives her toothless grins too. I know those grins won't be toothless forever and I want to be there when she gets that first tooth! I want to be there when she sits for the first time. I want to be the receiver of the last smile before she goes to sleep. I am not trying to be Debbie Downer...but I kind of am.

Honestly, I have done really well, so far,  with this wait. I was a freak right before our referral. Anxious...phone on at all times. Then,we saw her. We fell in love. And I've been great since. Patient, and peaceful. Trusting God. I still trust Him, completely. But...today, I am weepy and just absolutely missing her. I read the update, and already her personality is coming out. She's growing, changing, and here we sit, with a diapers, clothes, nursery...all waiting for her. I just want her here. I keep hearing this song float around from Steven Curtis Chapman (which, to warn you, in regards to adoption/waiting all of his songs make me weep).

Lyrics-When Love Takes You In
I know you’ve heard the stories
But they all sound too good to be true
You’ve heard about a place called home
But there doesn’t seem to be one for you
So one more night you cry yourself to sleep
And drift off to a distant dream

Where love takes you in and everything changes
A miracle starts with the beat of a heart
When love takes you home and says you belong here
The loneliness ends and a new life begins
When love takes you in

And somewhere while you’re sleeping
Someone else is dreaming too
Counting down the days until
They hold you close and say I love you
And like the rain that falls into the sea
In a moment what has been is lost in what will be

When love takes you in everything changes
A miracle starts with the beat of a heart

And this love will never let you go
There is nothing that could ever
cause this love to lose its hold

When love takes you in everything changes
A miracle starts with the beat of a heart
When love takes you home and says you belong here
The loneliness ends and a new life begins
When love takes you in it takes you in for good
When love takes you in

for the youtube video click here

It just makes me ache...because we do already love her. We dream daily about her. God has given us a place for her here. We are changed already. We want her.

I'm a teary mess. 

Lord, please, open a court date for us. Pave the way for our sweet girl to be here with us, every day, for years and years to come. I believe that you are bigger than all the full court schedules, needed paperwork and embassy appointments. 

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Keepin' It Real...

It has been a really crazy 2 weeks around here. Some special friends going through hard times, the homestretch of hubby's basketball season, 2 preschool age kids...add it all up and you get one tired mommy. With all of life happening around, I've totally slacked on the homefront duties.

I posted a vent on facebook about my dishes and laundry taking over the house, and my amazing friend Julie emailed me and offered to take my boys for the whole day today, so I could get caught up. I almost cried and took her up on it before she had time to change her mind :). JULIE- You are amazing! Thank you!


I am so blessed...thank you, Julie!
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