Thursday, February 4, 2010

Ups and Downs

This adoption journey is just full of emotions. Ups, downs, in betweens...sometimes both in one day!

Today is one of those days. Actually, this is one of those weeks. (Coincidence that my "monthly visitor" is here? I think not.)

I was hoping for two things today...An update on the little Miss and an Ethiopian court date. I did get one...an update, and a super sweet one at that.

From an in-country staff member-"This little lady has one of the sweetest dispositions I’ve come across in an infant. Her sweet, wide smile spreads easily across her face when you interact with her. As I was leaving her today, she rolled over on her side, ready for her nap, and her eyes closed. She was all set for sweet dreams. When I patted her on the back to say goodbye, she turned her head slightly my way and smiled her wide gummy smile. Even when she’s nodding off, she still has the grace to be kind!"
Love to hear that!

She is creeping up on her 6 month birthday in a few days. I am so happy that she is happy and healthy and being loved well. But her little monthly birthdays are honestly, REALLY hard for me. I absolutely hate the idea of her getting any older without me (sort of the kind of emotional torment Bella experienced when facing her 18th birthday, realizing she was aging while beautiful perfect Edward, remained 17 forever...ah, Twilight. I digress...) ANYWAY...her birthdays are so hard for me. I want to be with her. I want to be the one she smiles at and generously gives her toothless grins too. I know those grins won't be toothless forever and I want to be there when she gets that first tooth! I want to be there when she sits for the first time. I want to be the receiver of the last smile before she goes to sleep. I am not trying to be Debbie Downer...but I kind of am.

Honestly, I have done really well, so far,  with this wait. I was a freak right before our referral. Anxious...phone on at all times. Then,we saw her. We fell in love. And I've been great since. Patient, and peaceful. Trusting God. I still trust Him, completely. But...today, I am weepy and just absolutely missing her. I read the update, and already her personality is coming out. She's growing, changing, and here we sit, with a diapers, clothes, nursery...all waiting for her. I just want her here. I keep hearing this song float around from Steven Curtis Chapman (which, to warn you, in regards to adoption/waiting all of his songs make me weep).

Lyrics-When Love Takes You In
I know you’ve heard the stories
But they all sound too good to be true
You’ve heard about a place called home
But there doesn’t seem to be one for you
So one more night you cry yourself to sleep
And drift off to a distant dream

Where love takes you in and everything changes
A miracle starts with the beat of a heart
When love takes you home and says you belong here
The loneliness ends and a new life begins
When love takes you in

And somewhere while you’re sleeping
Someone else is dreaming too
Counting down the days until
They hold you close and say I love you
And like the rain that falls into the sea
In a moment what has been is lost in what will be

When love takes you in everything changes
A miracle starts with the beat of a heart

And this love will never let you go
There is nothing that could ever
cause this love to lose its hold

When love takes you in everything changes
A miracle starts with the beat of a heart
When love takes you home and says you belong here
The loneliness ends and a new life begins
When love takes you in it takes you in for good
When love takes you in

for the youtube video click here

It just makes me ache...because we do already love her. We dream daily about her. God has given us a place for her here. We are changed already. We want her.


I'm a teary mess. 

Lord, please, open a court date for us. Pave the way for our sweet girl to be here with us, every day, for years and years to come. I believe that you are bigger than all the full court schedules, needed paperwork and embassy appointments. 


16 comments:

Christy. said...

I am so sorry this week has been so hard! Waiting... it's TOUGH!!

Praying good news will come soon!!!

Belleme said...

In sorry Eryn! I've had a hard week waiting for my referral, too! Praying for our daughters to come home SOON!!!

missy said...

i'm sure some days are harder than others and it makes sense that these milestones you have to spend apart would be hard days. i am so sorry that you aren't the one who gets to see that toothless grin right now. that update is beyond precious and i can't wait for you to KNOW this charming little being. i am praying for a court date for you SOON so you can be with her for that first tooth. that ache in your heart shows the love you have for you. even in your sadness, you managed to make me smile with the bella illustration and debbie downer. hang in there!

Jana said...

All I can say, is...been there and it stinks. But equally, it just all washes away once you get that cutie in your arms. I kind of regret not enjoying the "simplicity" of having just two. I know that sounds lame but it's true.

The Mathews Family said...

Sorry...it's been a tough week here too. Waiting is hard. Praying for good news soon!

Lisa said...

I couldn't agree with you more. This waiting stuff really stinks! I really felt that this week while my baby was so sick. Hang in there! I'm praying that lots of court dates will come very soon!

What a sweet update to make your day brighter :)

Katie said...

Oh Eryn, you know that I know exactly how you feel. I think the waiting is giving us time to grow more and more in love with our daughter. It still is excruciating sometimes…well, a lot of times. I hope we all hear something very soon. Your update was precious. What a sweet girl you have! The scripture on Bible Gateway today was Psalm 33:4-5, “For the word of the LORD is right and true; he is faithful in all he does. The LORD loves righteousness and justice; the earth is full of his unfailing love.”

titushome said...

Eryn, I'm praying that you get that court date SOON. The waiting is so, so hard at this point - knowing your little one is over there and growing and changing without you. Been there!

You probably already have this verse in your arsenal, but it was one I just kept reading over and over and over during the after-referral wait time.

"But these things I plan won't happen right away. Slowly, steadily, surely, the time approaches when the vision will be fulfilled. If it seems slow, be patient! For it will surely take place. It will not be late by a single day." Habakkuk 2:3

I know - doesn't help much. But it does a little! :)

Praying you hear tomorrow.

Sarah

Robyn said...

Hoping your court date comes very soon! I understand how difficult it is to wait.

AprilM said...

Eryn, I think were all a teary mess...We love these babies that God has hand picked for us so much and it hurts....I want to hold my little girl so bad, I sit and cry...I understand so much, I think we all feel this way...I pray that we all get our court dates speedily!!! I Love You Sister!!!

Trish said...

Oh Eryn, I am sorry that the waiting is so long and hard.
Remember thought that God's timing is perfect. She will be in your arms before you know it and your lives will be knit together forever....

Love you my amazing friend!

Leslie said...

Court dates. Referrals... seems like they've all been a bit slow lately. I am praying you get your court date soon. We don't have our referral yet but I know once we do we will feel like you do and want to not miss a single moment.

Julie said...

i've been thinking so much about you after you sent me those pics of her. she is so, so precious. You said its like you are two weeks over-due...I think its worse than being overdue. I don't know if I could do it, although, obviously there is no choice. Try to remember that once she is in your arms, she is in your arms forever...no more waiting. praying for it to be soon!!

~*Beth Butler*~ said...

*sigh* Waiting SUCKS. :(
You are amazing.
xoxo

Mark and Heidi said...

I missed this post last week. So sorry you had a rough time - the waiting is tough, no doubt. The good news is that you are getting so close! i hope this is the week, my friend, and wasn't it great to see someone pass court on the first try today?? COME ON COURT DATE!!!!!!

Gail said...

eryn-

So praying for your court date!

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