Tuesday, February 23, 2010

I thought I was done... (a reflection)

Began this post a week ago, and never finished it: (warning...it's long.)

I've been nesting. Reorganizing...and if you know me at all, you know that is always a bigger mess than it was to begin with :). I set out to reorganize my craft stuff this weekend. I have an armoir in my dining area, neat and tidy little plastic bins...and oodles of craft stuff.

In my closet that I emptied, was a bunch of memorabilia from "THE AUCTION" that our friends hosted for us in May 2009 to support our adoption. Memorablilia I've been hanging onto, wanting to put into a scrapbook. The bag is was in was torn, stuff spilling out. I set it on the table to figure out what I needed to save, and what I could "purge". I'm big on purging right now.

So, I began to sift through...a scrapbook to put it in, programs, tickets, table decor...all so nice. I read through the program...it contained little excerpts from this blog from our journey to that point. That got me going, the tears flowing. Then...THEN, I started sifting through a stack of papers. My amazing friend, UH-MA-ZING, Nicole, the one who was the visionary behind the auction, handed everything over to me after the auction. All the donation forms, the lists of everyone who bought tickets and spent loads of money at the auction. It all came flooding back to me in a rush of emotions and tears. Here I am, at my messy table, in my sweats, weeping. I am again, overwhelmed by the generosity of total strangers and friends who are like family. They aren't "like" family, they are family. God met all of our needs financially in ONE night. Our friends generosity of time, talent, and money...accumlated to near $12000 that night. Again, I am overwhelmed by what God has already done to bring our family together through adoption.

Today (2/23/2010)
These past few days have been the hardest stretch of "the wait" thus far. My hubby coaches high school basketball (and he's an english/social studies teacher). Once upon a time, I LOVED basketball. I was passionate about, lived and breathed it. I played for several years in middle school/high school. Currently, however,  it's no secret that basketball season is not my favorite time of year. It means for our family, that mid-November we part ways, and our normal doesn't come back until mid-February. My hubby and I have a good great relationship. We get along, we share our dreams, our hearts, our passions with eachother. We share responsibilities in raising our children. Matt is truly my best friend and deepest love. We truly look forward to spending time together, and also give eachother permission and grace to do things without each other. He gets superbowl sunday with "the guys" no questions asked. I get crafty weekends with the girls no questions asked. We are good for each other, yet we are blessed to live in the reality that our happiness in life does not rest on our spouses shoulders. All that to say, for 3 months, we pretty much live separate lives, and like the old saying goes we "pass like ships in the night".  And, I MISS HIM. I go into survival mode. I fend for myself, make mac and cheese or pancakes for dinner. Laundry piles up and I don't care. We get by.

This year was different. This was our third basketball season. Our first season of basketball/adoption waiting. Without even knowing it, I locked away my emotions about waiting. I knew if I didn't keep it all disconnected, I would crack. I wouldn't be able to keep it together. So...I just haven't really felt much. I just pushed through, and so did Matt. We had to. Basketball officially ended for the Twolves last Wednesday. We had some great company throughout the week, and I had so much fun re-living my Twilight fun with my sister in law, Rachel. It was her first time seeing the movies. (We watched Twilight at home, and saw New Moon in the $3 theatre Saturday night. Twice. LOL!)Sunday they went home, and we headed out for church.

On our way to church, I said outloud, "I'm not really sure why, but I don't really feel like going to church today." No big deal, we went anyway. I sat blankly through the teaching, not really absorbing much. Worship came after that...and I fell apart. I sat there crying, realizing how disconnected I'd become from my feelings over the past two months. Normally, I'm a feeler. I cry over everything. I laugh easily...I feel what those around me feel. It was weird to realize I hadn't been doing that since we got our referral. I realized, I had not let my feelings out, and I that I was afraid I would not be able to keep it together through the rest of our wait if I let it out now. I have been fighting myself, and not allowing the Lord to meet me where I am. I am still afraid of that. Still afraid to let it all out, and let God meet me where I am.

I am tired of waiting for a court date. We've been waiting two months for a court date. I never thought it would take that long, even though I've told myself to not have expectations. I am emotional. I am probably PMSing. I am sure I'm post-basketball season emotional. I'm sure that I'm tired of adoption related waiting. I've cried alot these past 3 days. I'm tired. I want our baby home.

We are really enjoying being back together as a family every night. That is wonderful, and I'm so thankful that I like my husband so much. I came back to this post, because I wanted to remember how wonderfully God loves us, and has already provided. It reminds me that there's no way he'd leave this next phase of our story unwritten. I have so much to be thankful for, and it helps me keep trusting him for the rest.

17 comments:

Christy. said...

I am SO emotional for you!! So hard!!

Praying for peace and a phonecall...

Amy Jo said...

Praying with you, Eryn, for news on your court date and the rest of the remaining steps. I know the wait is unbearable. Looking forward to seeing you on the other side. Until then, it sounds like God is teaching you a lot - and He will reward you for your perseverence and for pressing into Him. I know your heart must feel so raw right now. May He grant you His peace which passes all understanding as you rest in the center of His good will for you. With love, Amy in OR

Gail said...

Praying for you Erin.

Lindsey said...

Hang in there girl! I KNOW how hard it is. Waiting for a court date was the HARDEST part and I either cried or screamed at least once a day until we finally were set. We were over 2 months for a date, but I am praying that it comes this week! Be sure to send me a pic of your little one and the house where they are staying so I can take some pics for you! We leave in 2 weeks! you can email me at andrews dot africabound at gmail dot com

Tamara said...

Eryn, you did such a great job of capturing where you are at... in the grand scope of life you feel like you shouldn't be crying when you are so blessed, but there are definitely times when we have emotions and tears and frustrations that can't be held back any longer... they spill out when we least expect them to and when we are at a moment of vulnerable honesty -- sometimes we can't even put a finger on what it is exactly or why we feel so completely not-in-control of our emotions... they just come. It feels strange to be unable to "be in control" - to "let go" - vulnerable and spent and then you feel like you need to put some thought and meaning to the intensity of your emotions so you write... you pour everything out into words... then a day goes by and you feel a bit "empty" - you have emptied yourself of those emotions and you sit and wait and wonder where all the feelings went that were so intense and you can feel a sense of nothingness... and then the sun shines one day and you can't explain it but you are at peace again and you really can't figure out what changed from one day to the next, but life gets better and you gain a new sense of strength and "control" and you move on. I love that you emptied yourself and allowed for that vulnerability and authenticity to pour out - that you will soon be in a better place. You are loved and we just all wait with anxious anticipation for the arrival of your sweet and precious gift.

Mark and Heidi said...

What a beautiful post, Eryn. I wish I had some words of comfort for you, but I am right here with you. I am also a feeler but have been keeping it all at bay since we got our referral. I was hoping that if I threw myself into checking things off my lists that the court date would just come and soon we'd be on our way. No such luck, but it is all going to happen as and when it is supposed to, I know that too. Sure would be nice if that perfect timing was TODAY for both of us. Hoping I get to hug you in Ethiopia in the very near future...

XOXO,
Heidi

Belleme said...

So sorry Eryn! I'm praying for you too! ANd also for my referral. It has been a hard last month- thinking we were RIGHT there, and then finding out daily that we were not... I'm proud of you for blogging about it. I haven't wanted to update my blog because I "STILL don't have good news", and "I don't want to complain", etc. But I have been appreciative of others willing to take that risk and share their feelings on the blogs. All we can do is be patient, and remember how much God loves us and our babies, and support each other! Hang in there! It has to be SOON!

AprilM said...

Eryn, Praying so hard for us all...I believe God hears our cries and he will deliver us...Us ladies waiting for court must PMS together!! LOL!!! I'm right there with you sister!!! I pray for comfort and peace for us all...I love ya!!!

Maribeth said...

Eryn,

I would be happy to take a picture of your daughter, but I don't have her info. We leave in 3 hours, so send it to me ASAP @ doctor.mom.mb@gmail.com. I'll try to check in in Ethiopia if I can get access as well.

Lisa said...

Thinking of you and praying for some court dates!

Michael and Katie said...

Eryn, what wonderful friends you have and what a blessing to have so much of the financial burden taken care of in such a short amount of time. I think one of the most amazing parts of this journey has been the involvement of our family, friends and complete strangers. We have been so encouraged by the prayers and financial support of others. We are so close to holding our daughters. I can’t believe it has only been two months since receiving our referrals. It seems like a lifetime. I am praying that we will be able to get a court date, pass and travel very SOON!!!!

Gayla said...

Oh Eryn! I can hear your heart in this and I know it is aching... I'm so very sorry for that. (and if it helps at all, please know that I cannot believe you haven't gotten a court date yet!!!!! ridiculous!!!) But I also really love your heart and know that it makes you the wonderful person that you are. AND that it will make you your little girl's wonderful mommy. Here's to that all coming to fruition SOON.

The Stagers said...

Eryn, it was so good to meet you the other night too! Thank you for your genuine post - I am praying with you! I remember that I felt so emotionally paralyzed during the wait after we received our referral. It was a long season and yet God worked good things in it in my heart. I am praying you will be touched this week by His love for you and your baby! This waiting part is such a hard part of the journey. I am praying with you and know He is holding you and each member of your family.

~*Beth Butler*~ said...

Mmmmm...Eryn, this post made me cry! You are such an amazing woman/friend/sister/mom/wife...I am praying with you and standing with you during this hard time of waiting, hoping, longing, restlessness, sadness, joy, and really faith-testing. I see God in you, and in you and Matt together. Yours is a marriage that I look up to and feel so blessed to get to stand in the warmth of. Many blessings and peace to you my dear friend.
See you soon.

xoxox
love love
Beth

annaliese said...

praying for you! oh, the wait--you brought it all back for me with this post. so emotional. what a treasure you have there with all the stuff from the auction--that was such an awesome night! --oh, and I have to say I loved that you went to New Moon TWICE in one night---lol!

花花美麗 said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Julie said...

Eryn, I cannot say I completely understand where you are at like so many of your 'adoption friends' but I can say that imagining where you are at, makes me ache for you. I couldn't do it. Honestly, I don't think I could. Your baby is beyond your physical reach right now... Very little could be that hard. I know that when you finally do have her in your arms the wait won't be half as painful. Kinda like the pain of childbirth... i wonder if the pain of waiting won't seem quite as intense after you have her in your arms??? I hope so. Forever in your arms soon...

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...