I thought I was done... (a reflection)

Began this post a week ago, and never finished it: (warning...it's long.)

I've been nesting. Reorganizing...and if you know me at all, you know that is always a bigger mess than it was to begin with :). I set out to reorganize my craft stuff this weekend. I have an armoir in my dining area, neat and tidy little plastic bins...and oodles of craft stuff.

In my closet that I emptied, was a bunch of memorabilia from "THE AUCTION" that our friends hosted for us in May 2009 to support our adoption. Memorablilia I've been hanging onto, wanting to put into a scrapbook. The bag is was in was torn, stuff spilling out. I set it on the table to figure out what I needed to save, and what I could "purge". I'm big on purging right now.

So, I began to sift through...a scrapbook to put it in, programs, tickets, table decor...all so nice. I read through the program...it contained little excerpts from this blog from our journey to that point. That got me going, the tears flowing. Then...THEN, I started sifting through a stack of papers. My amazing friend, UH-MA-ZING, Nicole, the one who was the visionary behind the auction, handed everything over to me after the auction. All the donation forms, the lists of everyone who bought tickets and spent loads of money at the auction. It all came flooding back to me in a rush of emotions and tears. Here I am, at my messy table, in my sweats, weeping. I am again, overwhelmed by the generosity of total strangers and friends who are like family. They aren't "like" family, they are family. God met all of our needs financially in ONE night. Our friends generosity of time, talent, and money...accumlated to near $12000 that night. Again, I am overwhelmed by what God has already done to bring our family together through adoption.

Today (2/23/2010)
These past few days have been the hardest stretch of "the wait" thus far. My hubby coaches high school basketball (and he's an english/social studies teacher). Once upon a time, I LOVED basketball. I was passionate about, lived and breathed it. I played for several years in middle school/high school. Currently, however,  it's no secret that basketball season is not my favorite time of year. It means for our family, that mid-November we part ways, and our normal doesn't come back until mid-February. My hubby and I have a good great relationship. We get along, we share our dreams, our hearts, our passions with eachother. We share responsibilities in raising our children. Matt is truly my best friend and deepest love. We truly look forward to spending time together, and also give eachother permission and grace to do things without each other. He gets superbowl sunday with "the guys" no questions asked. I get crafty weekends with the girls no questions asked. We are good for each other, yet we are blessed to live in the reality that our happiness in life does not rest on our spouses shoulders. All that to say, for 3 months, we pretty much live separate lives, and like the old saying goes we "pass like ships in the night".  And, I MISS HIM. I go into survival mode. I fend for myself, make mac and cheese or pancakes for dinner. Laundry piles up and I don't care. We get by.

This year was different. This was our third basketball season. Our first season of basketball/adoption waiting. Without even knowing it, I locked away my emotions about waiting. I knew if I didn't keep it all disconnected, I would crack. I wouldn't be able to keep it together. So...I just haven't really felt much. I just pushed through, and so did Matt. We had to. Basketball officially ended for the Twolves last Wednesday. We had some great company throughout the week, and I had so much fun re-living my Twilight fun with my sister in law, Rachel. It was her first time seeing the movies. (We watched Twilight at home, and saw New Moon in the $3 theatre Saturday night. Twice. LOL!)Sunday they went home, and we headed out for church.

On our way to church, I said outloud, "I'm not really sure why, but I don't really feel like going to church today." No big deal, we went anyway. I sat blankly through the teaching, not really absorbing much. Worship came after that...and I fell apart. I sat there crying, realizing how disconnected I'd become from my feelings over the past two months. Normally, I'm a feeler. I cry over everything. I laugh easily...I feel what those around me feel. It was weird to realize I hadn't been doing that since we got our referral. I realized, I had not let my feelings out, and I that I was afraid I would not be able to keep it together through the rest of our wait if I let it out now. I have been fighting myself, and not allowing the Lord to meet me where I am. I am still afraid of that. Still afraid to let it all out, and let God meet me where I am.

I am tired of waiting for a court date. We've been waiting two months for a court date. I never thought it would take that long, even though I've told myself to not have expectations. I am emotional. I am probably PMSing. I am sure I'm post-basketball season emotional. I'm sure that I'm tired of adoption related waiting. I've cried alot these past 3 days. I'm tired. I want our baby home.

We are really enjoying being back together as a family every night. That is wonderful, and I'm so thankful that I like my husband so much. I came back to this post, because I wanted to remember how wonderfully God loves us, and has already provided. It reminds me that there's no way he'd leave this next phase of our story unwritten. I have so much to be thankful for, and it helps me keep trusting him for the rest.