Yesterday, she turned 5 months old.
Two weeks ago, we saw her for the first time.
Today, I am feeling like I WANT HER HERE.
I have been afraid to really WANT HER HERE since I saw her pictures the first time.
It's weird. Not much like I had expected, really. I expected that I'd be consumed with her once I saw her picture. That I'd be desperate to hear the words "court date" and "travel dates". But, honestly, I haven't been. I've been afraid to let my heart go there. I don't want to think about the fact that she's 5 months old. 5 month olds get thier first teeth. 5 month olds roll over for the first time. I hate thinking about missing any of her "firsts". HATE it.
Ever since Christmas Day, when we got THE CALL, We've been crazy about her. Peace has filled us. We've been humbled to tears about the journey she's already been on. How in her little short life, so much has happened to bring her to us. We've also been thankful for some bits of her story (which is a whole other weird thing..to be thankful when pain is involved. )
But, I feel like I've kept my expectations distanced away from my heart, so I don't feel disappointed. I have been afraid to ask God...our big HUGE God, for more. I honestly haven't prayed about getting her home soon, because I've been afraid of being disappointed. One of the crazy adoption things, is that you just never know what will happen. People have lost referrals, babies have lost thier lives before they ever met their new families, and families have waited months to pass court and travel. I have been afraid to let myself hope. (oh no, my tears have started as I type). I have been planning and expecting the averages. My mom keeps repeating to me, we don't serve an "average" God. I let her repeat it, and I lean on her faith to believe it. I know it in my head, but I haven't been able to let my heart hope for more than average.
Finally, late last night, after re-reading our referral packet for the 10th time, memorizing every detail mentioned about her, I opened my journal. I hadn't journaled since our referral day. I spilled my guts to Jesus. I confessed that I was afraid to ask him for those desires. To get a miraculously fast courtdate. To get super quick travel dates. To pass court the first time through. I flipped back through my journal though, and quickly realized that NOTHING on this adoption journey has been short of shocking. Amazing. Only explained by a big HUGE God who loves us, and chose us for this journey almost 9 years ago. We knew the minute we responded to God telling us to begin the journey in July of 2008, that in the end it would only be able to be explained by a BIG God, because we didn't know how it would all come together. We didn't have all the anwers, but we wanted to respond to His invitation to let us be a part of the love story He wants to tell. We wanted for Him to get all the credit and for our journey to be a testimony to His grace, power, and undeniable love.
I reread about our garage sale last summer. Friends gave and gave to us. Gave us money, gave us donations, and gave thier time, and we raised a shocking $2400 in 2 days.
We were shocked again by anonymous gifts of money. We were blown away by financial gifts from family and friends, and more love and support than we ever could have imagined. Only God.
I read about our surprise auction that nearly covered all the remaining expenses of our adoption this spring. the ONLY explanation was God's provision.
I read about our referral call. CHRISTMAS DAY for crying out loud. We were the only ones who got a call that day, that we know of. We had not yet hit our 7 month mark, we were not truly expecting to hear for another 6 weeks. We were not at the top of the list. But, God, gave us a gift...and we saw her face at a time we never imagined we would.
How in the world, can I not trust this God, who has demonstrated over and over, that it is NOT ABOUT US. It's not about what we have, what is average, what we don't have. He is bigger. When he wants to move, HE MOVES. He can move hundreds of people to support us when we need the help. He can move past average wait times to bring the right child into our family when he sees fit. He can certainly use our lives to proclaim again, that it's HIS story of love and grace being told. Not our story. We have wanted all along for the Lord to get all the credit for this one. I guess I had forgotten momentarily that this was the reason we entered this journey in the first place. To honor HIM. To bring HIM fame and glory. I remembered, and I asked Him last night to do it again. To do the unexplainable for His glory. To cause someone who doesn't have a relationship with Jesus, to stop and say...I want to know THAT God. So, here it is. I'm putting it out there. I have hope. I believe that God can again do what we don't expect. I remembered one of my favorite scriptures... Psalm 5:3-"In the morning, O LORD, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation."
I'm waiting in expectation that He's not done blowing our socks off. Lord...bring it!